I love you
Steve
Up this is not a place to die
I am Groot
No, no, no, Groot
Sam
Stark
You're fine, I do not know what's going on
I am sorry
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So um... [laughs]
It's a new school year, and it's that time of year where all of the Bible thumpers and people
are on campus, and if you remember last year,
I made out with someone in front of them, and that was fun.
But this year has been even more fun with the appearance of a person called The Wizard.
I got some good footage of The Wizard harassing some people.
If you can't hear it, please turn on the closed captions, um, and check it out.
[whimsical wizard music]
Hi, Quinn! - QUINN: Hello!
MORGAN: What are you up to?
QUINN: Just gonna harass the Bible thumpers on campus.
- MORGAN: Nice! - QUINN: They come here every year,
so I come out dressed like a wizard, and I say dumb shit until they leave.
QUINN: [shouting] Hail and well met, Bowling Green!
[inaudible]
QUINN: Actually no, I'm cursed. It's not possible.
Would you like a selfie with The Wizard, sir?
PREACHER: I don't believe in selfies.
QUINN: [shouting] Homosexuality is cooler than you'll ever be!
Y'know, you'd do pretty well on Grindr.
I hear they like men with beards.
You think this comes from the earth?
I am devil spawn at best!
PREACHER: I don't wanna tell you where I think it comes from.
QUINN: All right. No, tell me where it comes from, please.
PREACHER: Men do not marry men!
QUINN: Men marry men all they want!
Women can marry any women. I would actually advise that women stop marrying men...
QUINN: Hey, guess what? Guess what?
You're just mad that your wife's probably a lesbian.
[crowd gasping and laughing]
PREACHER: You curse the name of your God!
QUINN: No, I just curse the name of you!
[laughter]
PREACHER: I want him to be saved!
QUINN: I'm not a him, I'm a wizard!
How dare you assume my magical prowess?
Yes, I'm a wizard!
[preacher starts singing "Amazing Grace"]
QUINN: [obnoxiously] ...GRACE, HOW SWEET THE SOUND.
Blessings upon your household.
MORGAN: Quinn's got like, an army of gays right now.
They're leading like, a small battalion.
I was just about to message Quinn, but they are already here.
QUINN: Hail and well met!
- MORGAN: Hi, Quinn. - QUINN: How are you today?
- MORGAN: I'm all right.
[whimsical music]
- QUINN: Hello. - DAVID: Hey, Quinn!
- QUINN: How's it goin? - DAVID: It's really hot in here,
sorry about all the sweat. I mean, I mean, sorry, it's not hot in here; I'm a dinosaur.
QUINN: [to Created Equal] I'm making fun of you, yeah.
Howdy! I'm The Wizard, it's a pleasure.
- GABRIEL: Hi, I'm Gabriel. - QUINN: Gabriel. Like the angel.
GABRIEL: Do you think that innocent human beings being discriminated against because of arbitrary differences
is something to laugh about?
QUINN: Depends, do you? What do you think of the bombings on Syria,
'cos I'm pretty sure the folks in your party support those.
Let me tell you what I'm here for. I'll leave debating to more sensible people,
but I'm going to tell you right now, my name is The Wizard.
I'm here to transform all your metaphysical nonsense into physical form.
GABRIEL: ...using actual science and reasoning and facts, I would love to do that with you...
QUINN: Do you think I look like a person of science?
I'm a wizard!
- Hi again! Can I take a picture with you?
- QUINN: Yes, you may. This guy's just blabbering on.
MORGAN: I just got back from class, and it's 3 o'clock. Well, 2 o'clock.
Hello again.
QUINN: This guy thinks that if you take a seed out of the ground, you've cut down a tree.
- So, if a woman is pregnant, say she wants this baby, she loves this baby, she's very excited;
however, she is in danger of dying because of health problems involving her pregnancy.
- What kind of health problems? - Health problems that could be potentially fatal.
- Name one. - Name one?
MORGAN: Septic shock.
- QUINN: Also an interesting point-- - Are you telling me you don't believe
that women die during pregnancy? That's what I'm getting from this.
- I'm not saying that they don't. - You're asking me for proof that women
die during pregnancy... - [condescendingly] Okay. - ...when that is a fact.
We are one of the highest countries in the world in death rates during childbirth.
QUINN: Wait, I have a question, just a quick follow-up, so,
you say that you are against abortion. What about education for safer sex?
To prevent pregnancies that might result in abortion?
Or are you one of the abstinence-is-the-only-way types?
- I'm one of the abstinence-is-the-only-way types.
MORGAN: So this dude is basically completely surrounded by a bunch of cool nerds.
QUINN: If you straight-up vored me, and I was just like, wrecking shop...
- If I what you? Vored? If I what you? [laughter]
QUINN: If you just swallowed me whole. If you ingested me.
- So you shrunk yourself really small and jumped in against my will.
QUINN: Would you be wrong in trying to remove me by any means necessary?
- No.
- QUINN: You wouldn't? - No.
QUINN: Really.
[crowd laughing]
DAVID: You're so close!
You're so close to understanding our point! - That is a completely unnatural situation.
Pregnancy is not unnatural. - DAVID: You're almost there!
- QUINN: But let's suppose it was a natural situation.
- DAVID: You're supposed to understand! - No, it's not.
MORGAN: There they go. Bye.
I feel like we've really bonded as friends.
Quinn, I was just gonna ask you, how do you think that went?
QUINN: I'd say, I've had better success, but
distraction was my main feat. - MORGAN: Yeah.
QUINN: And I'd say that with tyrannosaur here, I'd say that distraction was successful.
MORGAN: They refused to tell Quinn how much the Jumbotron cost,
so I've informed Quinn that because they are a non-profit, they have to disclose all of their expenses,
and Quinn ran out to confront them, and they told Quinn to call the IRS.
QUINN: "Call the IRS."
I'll find out, and then next time they show up, I'll say, "Hey, I know exactly,
right down to the fucking cent, how much you spent." - You could've saved one baby
with the price you spent on this Jumbotron.
MORGAN: So, I have actually managed to
get The Wizard into our home to answer a few questions,
so Wizard, if you would like to come answer some questions...
QUINN: Hello, hail and well met.
MORGAN: It's nice to meet you, Wizard.
- QUINN: How are you today? - MORGAN: I'm swell, how are you?
- QUINN: I'm doing quite well, thank you.
- MORGAN: What would you say inspired you to become The Wizard?
- QUINN: I'd say a lot of things, but I've of course been a
student of magic for a good long while now,
and I figured it was time to bring my talents into the limelight and use them for good.
MORGAN: So, what would you say is The Wizard's mission statement?
See, that's an interesting question, because something that I get asked quite often is,
"What are you doing here?" [laughter]
People passing through campus will often see things that are traumatic or hateful
and directed towards them, especially minority groups or LGBTQ individuals,
and I just want people to have a better day having seen me, so I would say that
my mission statement is to bring cheer wherever I go, however I can, and to ensure that
people feel a little more magic in their hearts.
- MORGAN: What is the most challenging part of being a wizard on campus?
I would argue, perhaps, public recognition.
I'm not always in wizardly garb, you see.
I have regular clothes that I wear to regular places, but of course
being of a psuedo-anonymous identity, people tend to recognize me, so
in the past several weeks alone, I've had more than a few dozen people approach me and ask me,
"Excuse me, are you, by chance, the wizard that I've been hearing so much about?"
And of course, all that's left to do there is to just give a knowing smile and a hushed lip,
and let them go on their way, and that usually makes people very happy.
- MORGAN: What's the most challenging part of dealing with like, the actual Bible thumpers, also?
- QUINN: Well, they tend to try and rile you up, you see, but it's important to try your best to keep a level head.
It's easy to sort of lose track of what you're there for, so, y'know, getting engaged in discourse
of course is generally something I try to avoid, because I'm not there to argue with them.
They're not going to change their minds, they're not going to change mine, so
I would argue that distracting people from a hateful message that's trying to be spread is
what's important, but I just have to often center myself on that.
- MORGAN: Do you consider what you do to be performance art?
- QUINN: I would argue yes, some semblance of performance art.
It's not necessarily scripted. It's simply just going in, and-- audience interaction is
an important aspect of performance art, so when you go in there, you are gauging--
you're sort of reading the proverbial room, as it were, just sort of gauging an audience
and interacting as necessary.
- MORGAN: What about activism, like how much do you think is performance art versus activism?
- QUINN: See... [laugh]
That's a tricky question. A lot of people that I've spoken to
consider my work and my presence to be important and uplifting, and generally like
good activist work, and I'm often compelled to disagree because
I'm not prompting the most change in the world. I'm simply just, y'know, keeping peace and
making people happy and just, generally just spreading positivity, which I suppose is
important to some people, but I wouldn't consider it the most important activist work.
I just say that I'm there to mediate and give people a good time.
- MORGAN: What impact would you like to have on the local community?
You already said you'd like to uplift people, but is there any like,
long-term goal that you have as a wizard?
- QUINN: I would personally prefer if the Bible thumpers and groups like Created Equal that
have come to campus time and time again-- My end goal, I suppose, would be to
take the focus off of them entirely.
Like my ostentatious garb is simply to serve as a temporary distraction,
but I would like, y'know, to add more community engagement to my performance and
to ensure that people stop coming because, "Oh, there's homophobes raging all over campus,
and they've got big signs and they're really mean."
I would like the focus to be more, "Hey, did you hear The Wizard's on campus today?
Let's go see what they're up to."
And eventually I would at least hope and believe that eventually these groups will
come less and less, and eventually stop. Their message really has no place.
It can't continue when it's met with utter nonsense.
- MORGAN: And just one final little question:
What is your full wizarding height?
- QUINN: I believe it's just shy or just over eight feet.
The rollerblades add an extra few inches, and of course my lovely wizard hat.
- MORGAN: All right, well thank you for taking the time to speak to me today, Wizard. - QUINN: Thank you for speaking to me.
- MORGAN: I look forward to seeing more of your magic.
- QUINN: I'll be there as long as they are. And probably long after.
- MORGAN: If you'd like to see more nonsense, please subscribe,
and whatever other, bullshit, people do.
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