Hey hey, my friend! Welcome to this week's edition of Parenting A to Z! I'm Kelly
Bourne, and this one goes out to any of the parents out there who have had to deal
with the "who do you love more?" question, "me or my brother?" I know, it's so
hard! It can be a tough one to deal with. So we're gonna look at our kids'
unique needs, we're gonna look at what they are after when they're constantly
comparing, and why trying to keep things equal and keep things fair is a losing
battle, and what you can do instead. So grab your cup of coffee, and we'll get
right to it!
It can be a tough one, and it can really drive you absolutely crazy
trying to keep things equal and fair all the time. Whether it's like the slice of
the watermelon, or who gets to have more play dates, or who you love more. And it's
so tough to handle when our kids are constantly comparing, and we feel that
pull to always be keeping things "equal." But the thing is, we can never
keep things equal. And as much as our kids say they want things to be
equal, I don't believe that. I don't buy that. Because to be equal, and to be the
exact same, and to be treated the exact same as everyone else,
it robs us of being viewed as individuals, and as being unique, and as
being enjoyed and loved and valued for for our differences and what is
different about us, and what sets us apart from everyone else. And I think the
other thing too, with trying to keep things fair, and trying to keep things
equal all the time, is that it can deny our kids the opportunity to "not get." I
don't know, does that make sense?! But I feel like when we're constantly trying
to keep things fair, and constantly keeping score, the more that we keep
score, and the more that we micromanage, whose piece is the same and
if everyone's getting the same thing, they are doing the same thing! They are
learning to constantly compare. They are constantly looking to learn and see, like
am I getting my fair share?! Am I getting what I deserve?!
Am I getting what he's getting?! (Even if I don't need it or don't want it!) It can
kind of create this vicious cycle. So instead of
having gratitude for what they have and being appreciated for who they are, it's
this weird sense of disappointment if they're not getting what someone else is
getting -- even if they don't want it! So what can we do? How can we deal with all
these different situations? And there's like a million-in-one situations
where our kids can compare, or we can feel compelled to keep things equal. And
the first thing I am always constantly trying to remind myself, is to focus on
individual needs over fairness or keeping things the same. One big area I
noticed this is when it comes to food. And "he got that" and "how come his piece
is bigger" and "he's having seconds! I want more!" So one thing I tried to do for
myself, to kind of step off the crazy-making train, is to focus on what
everybody needs. And like, "yeah sure, bud -- if you're so hungry when that's done I
will gladly get you seconds." Because we don't all eat the same amount of
food. We don't all need the same amount of food. Everyone will get exactly what
they need. But micromanaging out the
portions, and keeping everything identical, that doesn't really help meet
anyone's needs! Same with clothes. Is that something you find your kids can
bicker and fight about? If someone gets a new shirt, "how come I didn't get a
new shirt?" Or you're buying new clothes and you feel like you have to buy new
clothes for everyone. When you release yourself from the need and the pull to
keep things fair and instead focus on individual needs, and get someone a shirt
when they need a shirt, and get someone a pair of pants when they need pants, and
get someone a pair of pajamas when they need pajamas, it takes away the need to
constantly compare and constantly be keeping score. And instead everyone
can settle into that that idea and that knowing that if I need something, we
can talk about it, and go from there. But this isn't just like a free-for-all, if
she gets a shirt everybody gets a shirt. And then going on to the heavier
areas where our kids can keep score, we can feel the pull to keep
things equal or fair -- because it's one thing if they're arguing about dessert
size, or they're arguing about clothes, or they're arguing about
spending too much time on a science fair project, and it's quite another when they
start pulling on the heartstrings about "who do you love more?"
I know it's hard take! "I love you both the same!" I feel like that's
generally the first thing that comes out of all of our mouths in that situation,
but one way that I kind of like to pull myself out of that, is again to focus on
my kids' unique needs, and their own individuality. So I will say, like,
"But of course I can't love you the same! That would be impossible!
Because I love you for this, and I love you for this, and I love you for this, and
how could I ever love anyone the same as you?! You're irreplaceable! There's only
one you!" And how special -- you should have seen his face! But I think that it feels
so good to know that you're someone's one and only. If we can free ourselves
from that pull to keep things equal, if we can free ourselves from that pull to
keep things fair -- especially in sibling situations -- we're decreasing the
competition, we're decreasing the comparison, and then each of our kids can
very stand on their own two feet and have that sense of confidence
and security that they are their own person, and that we love them
for unique reasons, and we see them for who they are, and they're
irreplaceable. There only is one them. And lastly, I guess there is just one
little caveat I should put on everything, is to always practice self-awareness.
Because it absolutely can be possible that we fall into situations from time
to time where we are showing favoritism to one child. Where we are maybe being a
little bit nicer to one child. And I'm not saying that to lay guilt or
blame or anything, because heck! I've been there too! Because when you are stressed,
when you are feeling overwhelmed, when you have one child who's going through a
particularly tough phase, it can put a strain on your relationship for sure. So
if this is becoming an issue, if you notice your kids are constantly
competing for your affection and attention, is just kind of push pause and
notice for yourself if you have been showing favoritism in any in any areas.
Because then that's of course your first step to course-correct
and make adjustments when you need to. Because we
all, I feel like we all do it from time to time, we can favour one child over
another. To sit here and say we've never done that, or don't ever do that, I
feel like would be crazy! Because we're human, right?! We're human.
Relationships are a two-way street, and are a constant work in progress. So
just always practice that crucial, crucial piece of self-awareness. So I
hope that helps guys! Of course let me know if you have any questions or
comments below. But to relieve yourself from the stress and the frustration of
the comparison and the competing and feeling like you're just drowning and
always trying to keep things fair -- don't! Don't! Relieve yourself of that burden!
Instead focusing on your kids' individual needs, focusing on whatever they need
as far as time and attention. Focus on their individual qualities, and love them
for being uniquely them! And highlight what makes them hold that special place
in your heart, and it'll go such a long way to reducing sibling rivalry, like
hello! That's the ultimate side benefit, there. With less comparison, less
competition, but also boosting up your relationship and boosting up their sense
of self-confidence, and their sense of self-awareness, and knowing that they
are them and they're irreplaceable, and there'yll never be somebody
quite like them. So best of luck guys! Of course if you're looking for any more
in-depth parenting resources and support, don't forget to check us out in the
Parent 'Hood! I offer regular office hours where we can chat one-on-one and take a
deep dive into what's going on for you and I can give you some tips and tools
to help make it a little bit easier. So until the next vid, good luck and I'll see
you later!
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