Ever read that book 1001 Movies to Watch Before You Die?
Well, this is… not that.
The following action titles all share a dubious distinction: They each currently hold a zero
percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
Let's take a look at some of the genre's biggest-ever bombs… before they blow!
Ecks vs Sever: Yikes
This is probably what happens if you ask actress Lucy Liu about the disastrous 2002 film Ballistic:
Ecks vs. Sever.
If you've ever heard of this stinker, it's probably because an astonishing 116 critics
have branded it "rotten."
In fact, it currently holds the record for the most negative Rotten Tomatoes reviews
of all time… and it's easy to see why.
Lucy Liu plays Sever, a vengeful ex-DIA agent.
Antonio Banderas portrays Jeremiah Ecks, a former FBI tracker with amazing facial hair.
Together, they wear form-fitting black outfits, blow things up, and perform martial arts.
That's pretty much it.
We'll leave you with the film's best line of dialogue:
Derailed is a disaster
"We're taking the 681 to Munich."
"Let's get a few things straight Jack.
I don't need you, nor do I want you."
It's time to talk about Derailed.
Not the 2005 film Derailed starring Jennifer Aniston and Clive Owen.
Nor the Korean Derailed from 2016.
Nor the Canadian Derailed from 2017.
We're talking about the real Derailed.
The Jean-Claude Van Damme Derailed.
This spine-tingling 2002 opus features trains, Van Damme kicking people, and Van Damme kicking
people on trains.
If disposable action movies had a face, it would undoubtedly be Van Damme's.
The actor has a startling 20-year streak of rotten films that started in 1988 and wasn't
broken until he poked fun at his own public image with the meta-action satire JCVD in
2008.
Derailed is probably the cake topper here, but it's worth noting that the 1999 adventure
Desert Heat and the 2001 head-scratcher The Order also have zero percent scores.
What a shame
There was a time when the public trusted the comedic stylings of the Wayans family.
In Living Color was fantastic… and we hadn't been burned by White Chicks or Little Man
yet.
"Goo goo, gaa gaa?"
Released in 1994, Keenan Ivory Wayans' A Low Down Dirty Shame was the sketch star's attempt
at an action comedy which he wrote, starred in, and directed.
The title alone invited plenty of criticals jabs.
And the contrived writing and clichéd fight scenes resulted in universal critical failure.
Oh, and can we talk about the offensive gay stereotypes?
"The Bernard?"
"Yes!
It's me."
"Homewrecker!
He's with me!"
"What?"
"I can't believe you just did that!"
Dark Tide is deadly
As a general rule of thumb, sharks just don't work on-screen unless there's a tornado, or
an astronaut is using it as a re-entry device.
But apparently the filmmakers behind the 2012 snooze-fest Dark Tide didn't get that memo.
Halle Berry stars as Kate, a professional "shark whisperer" who clearly has a lot of
integrity:
"'Cuz I'm the shark whisperer…
Legend of the deep!
… Stop it, stop it!"
"Stop what?!"
"Stop using me to make money!"
Someone was clearly angling for another Oscar.
Anyway, Kate is intimidatingly knowledgeable about all things shark.
"She's beautiful!"
"She's a he."
"How do you know it's a male?"
"Cuz I can see claspers on his anal fins."
In fact, you can tell she's definitely a shark expert.
"So sharks have really sensitive snouts, so they can actually feel your heart rate, so
they sense nervousness."
Running low on funds, Kate agrees to take a wealthy family on a shark tour through a
dangerous part of the sea called Shark Alley.
You probably know where this is going.
Dark Tide pulled in less than half a million dollars at the box office.
That isn't too shocking, considering you've already seen the best part of the movie.
"'Cuz I'm the shark whisperer…
Legend of the deep!
… Stop it, stop it!"
"Stop what?!"
"Stop using me to make money!"
Precious Cargo: Abort mission
Released in 2016, Precious Cargo is a film that's got it all: Bruce Willis...
Actually, it's just got Bruce Willis.
"Damn straight."
Willis plays the same character he always plays: A dyed-in-wool Bruce Willis type.
"I don't make deals with people who steal from me.
It's not good for business."
The beyond generic thriller was universally panned by critics.
One reviewer aptly called the film "just another VOD craptacular."
"I had him."
You're probably wondering if there's anything we can recommend about Precious Cargo.
"Nope."
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