Hey hey, my friend! Welcome back to Parenting A to Z! I'm Kelly Bourne and
this week I've got 10 different different tips and tools and things to
keep in mind to help boost the kindness factor in your kids!
Kindness is a really
tricky thing, right?! Because it's something that I
think for a lot of us we can take it for granted in our day to day lives -- until
it's missing. Until our kids do something or say something and we're
just like, "Oh my gosh! Where did I go wrong?! I'm raising a child who's rude and
disrespectful and the world is ending..." I think a lot of us -- I know I can
absolutely fall into that doom and gloom state when my kids say or do something
that's just completely shocking -- but I think it's also important to
realize that we have those moments too. We have those moments and we have
those days where kindness is a little bit hard to come by. So I think that's
one of the things we need to keep in mind, is cutting our kids some slack.
Sometimes recognizing that everybody does have bad days, but of course also
recognizing it's something we can learn. It's something that through the way that
we act and the way that we raise our kids we can absolutely beef up that
sense of kindness in their day to day life. So one of the first things I want
to touch on is one of the really cool things, of all the many things that are
cool about our brains, is that we're set up to catch the emotional responses of
other people and to imitate them. So our kids literally, when they see us being
kind their brain is firing that that's something that they want to copy. So just
notice and be aware that your emotions and your emotional reactional
state, whether you're reacting or responding, that is contagious. And this
is why modelling kindness is so much more important -- I can't even underline this
enough -- but you modelling kindness in your day to day to day life is 1
million and 1 percent more likely to increase kindness behaviors in your kids
than you just simply saying, "Be nicer to your brother!" Because
we catch what we see, we catch the emotional responses of other people.
So us nattering on about them being nicer and being more respectful,
they're just gonna tune us out, right?! "Yeah okay, whatever mom..." But if we
really are walking the talk -- am I getting my reference right?! If
we really are walking the talk, that is the best model for our kids. So just
keeping that in mind, modelling kindness in our day to day life because it is
contagious. It absolutely is contagious. And then the
third thing, it kind of goes along with that, but avoid trash talk and
gossip. Because our kids are listening to everything. If they hear us talking
about Aunt Norma or they hear us talking about our friends or they hear us bad
talking whoever -- they hear all of it! So just be aware of that. Notice if you're
gossiping. Notice if you're trash talking. Something that goes along
with that too, is criticism. Criticism is tough.
And chances are, if you are feeling like criticizing either your kids or
someone else, there's absolutely a more constructive way to do that. To get your
point across with kindness. So again, this is one of those muscles that as we
want to develop it in our kids, it kind of forces us to develop it ourselves. So
just pay attention if you've been gossiping, trash talking,
criticizing, and minimize that as much as possible. Another really big one that
kind of goes along with that, besides having our own awareness,
is enforcing the rules of kindness in the home and not allowing our kids to
constantly be nattering and name-calling at each other and having certain words --
it'll be different for everyone, I don't want to be the the enforcer, the
rule police for your home -- but just have an awareness of that in your
own home. And if you're noticing that your kids are using rude or demeaning
language with each other, work to nip that in the bud. Sitting
down at family meetings, talking about how we how we want to feel in this
family and how we want to engage with each other and talk with one
another. And what is absolutely off limits. And then enforce
those rules so your kids know that this is a safe place. Kindness is king and
there is no room for criticism or shame or blame or any of those
really deflating feelings. And then moving forward proactively,
something that's really really important, that I think a lot of us can overlook
sometimes, is teaching our kids self-regulation skills. Because I don't
know about you, but when I feel hurt or wounded or defeated or deflated,
I am not always responding with kindness. That can be when I can tend to put
up walls and be defensive and want to hurt back or attack back. So teaching our
kids self regulation skills will be so key in allowing them to move
forward, especially in those tough moments, with kindness. So to help you do
that, I've got two great downloads below. There's one on beefing up your kids
emotional vocabulary and another one is practical calm down strategies. Just to
help them when the going gets tough and they're having a hard time finding
that kindness. Especially when they're feeling really hurt themselves. And then
something that is really fun, I know I'm smiling even thinking about it! But
getting in the practice of practicing acknowledgments. Not only within your own
family -- I know, I'm always glancing at my kitchen table when I'm talking about my
family -- but whether it's within the family or even in public at the mall or
at school, having our kids practice giving compliments. Noticing and
acknowledging the good in others. And then the other piece of that too, is
they'll get to learn how good that feels. How good it feels to pay it forward. How
good it feels to do a random act of kindness. And that feeling, that internal
feeling -- rather than us telling them what to do -- that is the motivation they will
have to continue doing it more. It's because it feels good. Not because
they're getting a reward or giving them a sticker or you're gonna buy them an ice
cream. But because it feels good. That is the best motivator right there. And in
addition to practicing acknowledgments and random acts of
kindness, is to get them in the practice of sending kind thoughts and sending
warm wishes. Because our thoughts have energy and our energy has power and
those feelings matter! And I know, I'm thinking of my family -- we're
kind of all spread out. We don't have any family really close to us and
sometimes if somebody's going through something, or even if it's not in your
family you're thinking -- I'm totally dating everything right now,
but just even with the Olympics. I can remember watching the Olympics and
sending all my good power to our Olympic athletes when it
was getting really down to the wire and just hoping that they could feel that.
Just getting your kids into the practice of sending warm thoughts to someone who's
in the hospital or sending warm thoughts to your cousin whose dog is sick. When
you can't be there. Really just practicing the act of kindness even if
it's not face to face. Because I know it can be hard when we're all spread out
all the time like I'm sure I'm not the only person who's kind of spread
out from from close family and friends. But again, what that does is it gets them
to focus on how good it feels. How good it feels to send those kind thoughts and
warm wishes to people even if they're not there right in
front of us. And then lastly, is something I just wanted to discuss really quickly
as well, is the idea of volunteering. Getting your kids in the habit of being
in service and being kind to others. Where there is no expectation of
anything in return. Because again it just it really goes to build that internal
motivation that I am kind and I act with kindness and I act with respect because
it feels good. Not only for me, but also for the other person and I want more of
that in my life. So the more that you can build up that internal motivation and
get them to see how good that feels to deliver kindness out of the goodness of
their heart when they know there's no expectation of return. And that's where
volunteering is a great way to do that. And of course, in order for that to be
successful it has to be there their idea and their choice and what they wanted to
volunteer for. So it may not be the cause that you have in mind, but letting your
kids take the lead when it comes to choosing where they would like to
volunteer is a huge huge huge way to beef up that sense of kindness. So I
really hope that helps, guys! I know it's kind of a big topic, but first and
foremost, if you want to instill a sense of kindness in your kids, you have to be
kind yourself and treat others with respect, because they'll see that.
They'll see that and they'll copy it without even realizing because it really
is how our brain is wired. And just try to avoid gossip and trash talk and
criticism, instead focusing on empowering others with kindness, always
leading with kindness and leading with love. And then some practical proactive
things you can do, of course is practicing acknowledgments, practicing
giving compliments. Is volunteering outside the home, is getting in the
practice of sending warm thoughts to people who aren't right in our immediate
vicinity. And random act of kindness are a really great way to do that too. And it
just it all feels, it just feels good, doesn't it?! So best of luck, guys!
Instilling that sense of kindness in your kids! If you're looking for more
in-depth parenting resources and support, make sure to check us out in the
Parent 'Hood, our members-only parenting community. I'll leave all the links and
everything below. But I think that's all for now, guys! Enjoy, be kind, and I'll see
you in the next video!
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