You know, if you're like most parents do that have teenagers, one of the things
that you probably struggle with is your son or daughter feeling like they don't
have control over their life. And wanting more control and not liking the
consequences that they're experiencing from their choices. So today, we're going
to talk about how to help your teen learn about consequences. So, if you have
a teenage son or daughter then if you're like most families, you're experiencing
some of that kind of conflict as your son and daughter grows into adulthood of
wanting more control over their life or wanting
more freedom. And we've done another video on freedom that I'd invite you to
look at. But just brief... Briefly, we'll talk about that here. What is freedom? You
know? And what do our sons and daughters mean when they're saying that
they want more freedom? Well typically, what it means is that they want to be able
to do whatever they want to do whenever they want to do it. Without experiencing
any negative consequences. Well, the truth is that's not the way this life works.
This earth experience is set up in such a way that it gives us feedback to tell
us what's working and what's not working in our life. With the ultimate goal of
achieving happiness. And so, we have thoughts and beliefs about our life and
about everything that we experience in our life. And those beliefs drive our
behavior and the behavior gives us our outcomes. So, sometimes we think that we
should be able to do whatever we want to do. And we should be able to avoid the
outcomes of our choices. But we live in a world that is based on principles or
laws. There are laws that govern this world in which we live and when our
beliefs and our behaviors are in alignment with those truths or
principles then we get the outcomes that we want. That's the working consequence.
So, when our thoughts and beliefs are in alignment with truth, thoughts, beliefs,
behavior in alignment with truth we get the outcomes that we want. When our
thoughts, beliefs and behaviors are not in alignment with truth, we get outcomes
that we don't want. For example, if I just want to believe that gravity doesn't
exist, because I want to be able to float. Well, I have the ability to step off a
cliff and try and float. But gravity is a law that operates all at a time whether
I like it, agree with it or understand it. And if I step off the cliff, I'm going to
fall. So, that's a consequence. Is that consequence of bad thing? Well, we get to
choose. We get to choose whether the consequences or good or bad because we
get to assign meaning to everything that happens in our life. But I would argue
that every consequence that we experience in life is a good thing.
Because it's feedback to us that tells us something, if we turn our brain on and
look at it. It tells us something about our thoughts and our beliefs and our
behavior. And if again, our outcome is not working then it tells us our outcome is
not what we want. It tells us that our thoughts, beliefs and behaviors are not
in alignment with truth. So, it allows us the chance to try something new. An
example of this is Thomas Edison and when he was working on creating the
The light bulb. You know, he tried... I've heard different numbers.
From a thousand to ten thousand different things to come up with the
filament that would work and not burn out. And at one point after he had
figured it out, a reporter asked him he says, you know, "How... How did you continue
trying and trying and trying when you failed so many times?" And his response
was, "I didn't fail one time. He said every time I just learned one thing that
didn't work." And so, that's the way life is. Life gives us consequences or
outcomes from the choices that we make. When those outcomes are what we want,
it's telling us that what we're doing is working. When the outcomes are not what
we want, it tells us to what we are doing is not working. So, that's what we need to
try to get our teens to understand is that first of all, there are laws or
principles that govern the world in which we live. And it doesn't matter
whether we know about them or understand them or believe them. They operate all
the time. If we can get them to see that there is that, that cause and effect and
that when we violate those laws, that there are consequences for that
that tend to be more negative. When we follow those laws, the consequences tend
to be more of what we want. And then as parents, if we can do similar things in
how we are raising our children, so if we understand principles ourselves and we
are striving to live by them and parent in accordance with those principles,
we're going to be more consistent and be able to help our our children understand
and see how principles do operate. The ultimate outcome of understanding
principles is it empowers us. It allows us to take control of our lives and to
get the outcomes that we want. When we understand
what principles are and our behavior is in alignment with principles, then what
happens is that the boundaries that those laws create for us actually expand.
It's just like with your your son or daughter. If they follow the boundaries
that you set in your home, they follow the rules in the structure, your trust in
them will generally tend to increase. And as your trust increases, those boundaries
will expand and they will be given more privileges and more opportunity to
govern themselves. That's kind of a replication of life and the way that
life operates for all of us. So, help your kids understand that that consequences,
all consequences are good things. In fact, we have a residential treatment center
for teen girls. And in our program, we have a lot of rules. And we have those rules
for 2 reasons. 1, to keep everybody safe. But 2 to give the students in our
program an opportunity to learn quicker. Because with so many rules, that time
frame between cause and effect is shortened. And when they follow the rules,
they receive the benefit of following the rules. If they don't follow the rules,
they receive the consequence of not following the rules. But in our school, in
an attempt to help our students recognize that consequences are good
things, we have both minor and major consequences but we've renamed that,
renamed them. We call our minor consequences reminders. Because that's
what consequences are. It's a reminder of what's working or not working. And then a
major consequence so a more serious consequence. We call those opportunities.
Because those are learning opportunities to turn our brain on, pay attention,
figure out what's you know, what our beliefs are and whether their alignment
was principal or not. And if not, to go ahead and change those and bring them in
alignment with principle. And again, as we do that, once we understand that
consequences are there to help and to teach us, now every consequence that we
receive can be a positive thing and a useful thing in our life. I hope this has
been helpful to you in dealing with your teen and helping them better understand
the consequences and the purpose of consequences. I'd love to hear some of
your experiences as you've tried to teach and implement this with your son
or daughter. If you'd like to share them with us, please comment below. If there
are other challenges that you're experiencing as a parent, go ahead and
put that down there too. And would be happy to do videos in the future that
would address some of the concerns that you may be experiencing.
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