Hello and welcome back to my channel so a few months ago I had a comment asking me
to do a video about our views on marrige because I mentioned in one of my facts
about me videos that I didn't want to get married and I had a little look on
YouTube and saw that no one was really talking about it or people were
but not couples - I couldn't find any couples so we're talking about not
wanting to get married - and so I thought that, you know, whether or not you agree
with marriage, this could just be a resource for people who are maybe
thinking about it or, you know, who might be at that stage in their lives.
This is Charles. "Helloo." I think he's a bit awkward on camera.
How are you feeling? Are you doing okay?
"I'm okay. We'll get this done."
Good, good.
Thank you for being here.
"You're welcome. My pleasure."
So I just want to start off by saying that, you know, how we feel about
marriage is absolutely no judgement on people who do want to get
married or who are married. This is just completely how we feel about it. This is
this is sort of the conclusion that we came to you have to do quite a lot of
thought. "Well it's our current conclusion." Yeah, I mean, yeah. We could change our
minds one day. I think it's very important to always be open to the fact
that new information will change how you think and maybe we'll
get that new information. "We are willing and able to change our opinion
but this is just where we currently stand I think, isn't it?" Yeah. So what was
your attitude to marriage growing up Charles? "Well I've never quite understood
marriage but I think for me I felt that it was
just the done thing so I - the social norm - yeah and so I did I did occasionally think
about and it would have just been sort of box-ticking for other people's
expectations of what I should do rather than actually ever thinking oh actually
that's something I would really like to do I really want from we all would be
right for me for me I was very much looking forward to it and I was thinking
about what I would want and my favorite show always don't tell the bride I mean
it still is a fantastic show quality but just I I was very active in
the protest I was even thinking about where would happen or the flowers I'd
have a dress would they like all this kind of thing I was very I was thinking
about it quite a lot it's the last year my stepfather passed away and that meant
that my mom had some money to offer us for for a wedding and before that it
never really been a possibility for us we'd never considered it just for
financial reasons it's just it can be really really expensive but when we were
actually offered the money for a wedding that's when it became something that was
realistic and then that's when I actually started thinking about whether
or not I actually wanted to get married so obviously I'd gone through the whole
like veganism minimalism thing and that's very much about questioning
social norms and about trying to work out what it is you think and trying to
separate what is you from what is everything you've been told so we're
just gonna talk a little bit about why we decided that marriage wasn't for us
so we had many many of conversation me many articles read and we came up with
these reasons well I think one of the most important ones which you slightly
touched upon already is the social expectation when we started to try and
adopt slightly less traditional lifestyle choices we sort of applied
that same I suppose filter to the idea of marriage and weddings and I suppose a
good way to put it would be if if marriage didn't exist I don't think we
would invent it for us to do it would we it's just something that does exist and
therefore it is done you're expected to do lots of things in life and when you
actually start to free yourself from those expectations and live the way you
want to live as long as of course it's in there it's a pleasant way yeah anyway
then I think you used to start to care a little bit less about those sort of
pressures and I think we're always of the opinion this and you only does feel
that way that's more their problem than it is our problem we you can't make
everybody happy a lot of our relationship now so we've
we've been together since we were like 16 and it's me
a long long time but we Paris we've gotten especially close and better word
for close especially closer connected yeah it was better connected through
things like challenging social them so I think a lot of what our relationship is
is established on a foundation of not just even things because it's the done
thing so for us to do the done thing and celebrate our relationship in that way
would kind of be a little bit like a little bit counterintuitive I think it
wouldn't make a whole lot of sense possibly unless we wanted to do and
that'll be fine oh yeah so two of the main things when I was
trying to figure out whether or not wanted to get mode that I sort of landed
on as being quite important to me the first one was that obviously marriage is
a contract and you know you have to deliberately sign a piece of paper to
make certain promises and I was kind of thing and I really liked the idea that
for the rest of my life because you know we fully intend to be together for the
rest of our lives at this point and as something unless something changes I
want Charles to you know every morning to choose to be there I don't want him
to be contractually obliged to be with me I want him to choose to be with me
and I feel like you know if you if we got married I would lose that so another
reason for us would be that just like the cost of the thing now if we did have
any money to be splashing about we'd rather use it to sort of invest into our
future so some people that might be a wedding but for us it wouldn't be we
would want to be you know maybe put the money aside for a holiday or put any
money into an investment account or something like that just making our
relationship more secure financially and because we I think we both already feel
very secure in our relationship and we're very honest and open wedding
symbolized security yeah but I think there are more secure things than
symbols hmm I think for us as a couple we've got better things we could do if
we did have that much money and we certainly wouldn't be willing to go into
debt for that luxury would we would again lots of people do when the money
was offered to me to get married I basically started planning it and I
was looking into doing things really really cheaply immediately budget but
then like I completely get the appeal of having like a massive party and getting
all your friends and family around and just having a good old needs that like I
like I understand that so when I was trained do everything cheaply and I
removed the party what was left for me wasn't really worth it it wasn't worth
that expense because it's still you know it's not completely cheap to get married
even if you do it on a budget even if you just have a registry office and then
you know you go to the pub and put on a buffet that it's still more than I would
like to spend on something that is purely symbolic the party I mean we like
we like a party just as much the next cut with only Carlin we don't like
parties no I think we are then we would enjoy that sort of thing yes we probably
we may enjoy doing that but when I started thinking about it like I've got
family members who don't get on with other family members and then I see web
with vegan so there's gonna be people there who are not enjoying the food
choices or there's just like an even propose nothing happened and I was
already stressing out about the wedding it's like Oh God but then you know this
person's gonna have to sit over there and no peasants is that present even
gonna turn up and and it's not worth it it's not worth it for something I don't
really believe in for myself it's well in particular me I really hate being the
center of attention so that sort of thing standing in front of lots of
people and having a fuss made over you I'd be really putting I'd have to put on
a face all day I don't think I've really yeah so I just I can't handle that sort
of situation and another thing with minimalism is this whole concept of I'll
be happy with so it's a moment I've kind of had to learn a lot about because I
didn't realise I thought this way but I have been thinking this way for quite a
lot of my life but you know this idea I'll be happy when I own that dress I'll
be happy when I have an outfit I feel confident I'll be happy when and other
ducks and I think a lot of it for me was kind of I'll be or will be happy when
we're married there's this idea of it being you know the final step towards
you know being a grown-up and being being the success
a couple that you should be but I found that since I decided not to get married
I have just been so much happier because I've realized that I am not waiting for
something to make me happy I am allowed to just be completely happy in my
relationship is it is it as it is is it it's just removing that final that like
destination that's what it is it's like I am just living my life to get to this
point and that kind of that way you're thinking doesn't make me happy
where now it's kind of like day-to-day wake up with him it's great job done for
some people they will they'll get mind and they'll just be joy for the rest of
their life that and for other people they'll be expecting that and that
doesn't end up Oh serializing so you you've pinned your hopes on something
you get married and it's not necessarily about marriage or anything like that but
it's just you don't then feel feel that fulfillment you expect it you don't
change that you still the same two people you just don't just sign your
name on a piece of paper we are we have a not to boast or anything but we have a
very strong relationship and so I feel like there's nothing nothing needs to
change well I think that one of the reasons that we've ended up growing a
lot closer because of the whole veganism in emisn thing is just that we well
certainly I'm not so sure if it's a Casey but for me I was always looking
for external sources of happiness so it'd be case of you know shopping oh oh
ticking boxes you know that kind of like getting married or having children that
kind of thing there's no the case of looking for
something to happen or something to own in order to make me happy whereas I
think we're we both now understand that it's a case of it's it's internal it's
looking within I'm trying to benefit about like how to fix the little things
and it's a lot more introspective another factor is just that I think it's
completely completely fine to be happy and single and to live your life as a
single person living life to the fullest like that is a completely valid way of
living your life so I feel like the idea of celebrating your relationship and you
know getting everyone together to show that you're in a happy relationship it
almost sort of devalues that in some way I feel like I'm supporting I'm
supporting the notion that you can't be happy on your own when I think you can I
think it's just you know I happen to have found someone who I quite like well
that's what you're celebrating that you send written it that two people have
found each other yeah that two have become one and the problem with that is
that it suggests that there wasn't a hole in the fact yeah you can be whole
on your own I don't want to imply to anyone that you have to have someone
else to behold so that's what marriage does so the last point for me which was
one of the biggest ones is an issue of equality and the tradition of marriage
without getting to political or sociological that's the right word it's
commonly agreed amongst feminist scholars that the tradition of marriage
is not equal and it's the idea of giving a woman away that the dad gives the
daughter his possession to the husband now his possession although it's it
slightly different now that is the foundation on which modern modern
weddings are built on yeah and they they hail back to that now of course that
isn't our societal most for most of us that isn't the society nowadays however
it's still an integral part of that it just things like making an honest woman
of a white dress all the symbolisms it just makes me a little bit uncomfortable
and I wouldn't be able to be 100% behind that and I'd be feeling uncomfortable
anyway just the pressure of the situation but on top of all that I don't
think I'd be able to enjoy the day because of all that sort of stuff
and of course here we are talking about more sort of traditional Christian
wedding because that's what that would would be our background that is what we
would be expected to do however I know a valid counter-argument movie you can
really make your marriage if making a wedding whatever you want it to be but
of course at the end of the day you still need a an institution to marry you
and they have certain expectations of of the way you will act on that day and the
way the way the day runs and again family and
maybe the old generation will expect a certain thing so I just felt that so for
me there was just too much pressure to I don't know I felt pressured into certain
things I felt completely comfortable with and I think if you can't feel
comfortable on the day when you're saying I do then you can't really expect
that that that bond is true or it's it's really pathetic
yeah authentic that's the right word yeah but just to repeat ourselves as
well like this is completely this is not a commentary on how we think people
should live their lives or decisions that we think you know it's not what we
think is right it's just what's right for our relationship yeah these are our
this is how how these thoughts resonate with us if you feel really strongly
about one of these points in a certain direction and your partner feels really
strongly in an opposite direction then you might start to maybe be pressuring
one another into into something you're not completely comfortable with and that
really needs to be talked about also I suppose there's loads of things we
haven't talked about these were just the ones that really stuck out with us
so ask each other ask how you feel about these things because it's such a huge
deal really isn't it oh yeah and it's such a huge topic as well so some of the
things we feel really uncomfortable with you might think are really important and
you you you really value those things that's fine so conversation is the most
important thing so please don't feel that this was a personal attack on on
you if you are married or you're getting married and if you think some of the
things we've said about these topics or completely nonsense cuz they probably
were to tell us they would take say in the comments that I don't agree with you
and that because of this that we'd love it we're just like opening a dialogue
well quote you on our wedding day and say you changed our mind oh there you go
well thank you very much for watching and thank you very much Charles them for
being here piece of meat check out my Instagram and also my blog I was putting
run away though so I don't know I think it's that way
Instagram my blog and I will see you in my next video thank you very much
watching
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