Hey hey, my friend! Welcome back! This is Parenting A to Z, I'm Kelly Bourne, and
this week we're diving right into lying. Why our kids lie -- we're gonna take a look
at why they lie in the first place, how to deal in the moment, and then some really
proactive steps we can take moving forward to help send our kids up
for success.
So first off the top, I just want to take a bit of a perspective check. A
bit of a reality check. Because isn't it funny how we get
so upset at our kids and so down on our kids for not mastering something that we
ourselves have maybe not yet mastered?! Because we all lie, right?! We all tell
little fibs every now and again -- heck sometimes we tell big lies, don't we! So I
think it's just important to realize that we all do this. Kind of
normalizing it as something that everyone's working on. And also realizing,
like nine times out of ten, your kids aren't headed for the big house,
right?! They're not headed for the big house. They just need some skills
and some options for when the going gets tough. So
they know they don't have to try and sweep their misdeeds under the rug. That
they can face them and that things will be okay. And the other thing -- we need
to understand *why* they lie before we can do anything about it. Before I can
offer any tips or tools we need to understand why they're even doing it in
the first place. And a lot of times, it's no different than the reasons that
we lie. We're afraid of getting punished. We're afraid of being embarrassed. We're
afraid of being found out. It's really fear-based. We're worried about
what will happen if they find out. What will happen if they know... The other thing
to keep in mind, is that sometimes it's not fear-based at all. For little
kids especially -- our little little kids. Sometimes lying is just part of fantasy.
It's part of make-believe. One of our little guys is in this huge fantasy
phase right now where you never know what is gonna come out of his mouth.
He's not being malicious, he's not trying to cover anything up, he's just telling
stories. He's just being a storyteller. And I think that's where lying can get a
little bit tricky, is walking that line of when it's okay to be making up tales
and when it's not. And then as far as how to deal, one of the the biggest things
and the best and most effective ways you can squash lying before it even starts
it's trying to avoid those "gotcha" moments. And this is one of those things
that I think we're all guilty of doing from time to time. I know I still do it!
I teach this, I preach this, and practicing it can be so so so hard in
the moment. When we notice the lamp is broken, and we notice the toilet hasn't
been flushed for the 50,000th time. What can we do? "What happened to the lamp?!"
"How come the toilet's not flushed?", "What's going on here?!", "Where's this
missing book?!", "Where's my earring?!", "How come the toilet..." "Why is everything
clogged?!" We can go into this, like, trying to "catch" them and it kind of it
can turn into a bit of an interrogation, can't it? With us asking questions and
trying to get them to confess. And what does that do for them? It just
puts them on the defensive, right?! It immediately puts them like -- "Oh my god!
I'm in trouble! What can I say to get out of this right now?" And one of
the easiest ways you can avoid that is if you notice there's been a mistake or
you noticed your kids have done something, if you notice they've broken
that mirror, it's instead of saying "Who broke the
mirror?" or "What happened?!" Is just saying "The mirror's broken."
"The toilet's clogged." "My earring's missing." Sticking to the facts of what's going on
and letting them know that you know your earring is missing, or the toilet is
clogged, or the mirror's broken. And then giving them a chance to say what
happened without already feeling like they're on the defensive. And then I'm
sure the next piece for a lot of you, is what if you say that you notice the lamp
is broken or the earring is missing and they're immediately lying
and you know they're lying. What do you do then? Be honest. Just be
honest about it. This is where I think a lot of our knee-jerk
reaction is to punish and come down on them even harder but if you are open and
honest and say, "You know what? That just doesn't sound like the truth. It
doesn't sound like the truth -- is there something that's not making you feel
safe enough with me to tell you the truth? Is there something that you're
worried about that you can't tell me the truth?" It breaks down that wall and it
breaks down that barrier, opening that little crack of light for them to then
fess up. For them to then say, "Yes, this happened..." or whatever
the truth may be. So whenever we can just kind of bring it down and open that door
and allow them to tell us, feeling like they're safe and not feeling like we're
gonna like -- not like for real that -- but come down on them. (coughing) Excuse me, sorry
guys -- the better. And I know that's hard and I'm not sitting here pretending that
that's how it goes down in our family all the time, because it definitely isn't.
I can definitely let those knee-jerk reactions get the best of me.
But I find when I can keep the door open, when I can keep my cool, that's when I'm
more likely to get that truthful response from my kids -- when they feel
safe to tell me the truth and know that I'm not gonna have a hairy fit over it.
And then moving on from there, when you've had that conversation and
they fessed up or they've told the truth -- or maybe you're still working through
that phase -- is to focus on solutions. What can we do moving forward to make it
so that the earrings don't go missing and the toilet's not clogged and the lamp
isn't broken? The same goes too for the truth-telling piece. If it was hard for
your kids to fess up, if it was hard for them to tell the truth, sitting down and
talking about what would make that easier next time? What would make you
feel more comfortable coming to me and telling me when these things are
happening? Of course this is gonna be very age dependent -- you're not gonna
be able to do this with your two two-year-olds, but
for your older kids who are more into the lying phase, absolutely you will be
able to have those conversations. And then the last thing I want to touch on
too, just for anyone who's still really struggling with this or their kids are
struggling with this and telling the truth and you've tried other angles, is
just to get curious in the moment. And again, I know it's so hard, it's so
hard -- I know, I'm closing, I feel you guys. I know how hard it can be to maintain a
sense of calm when you're really upset and you feel like your kids are lying or
manipulating you. But getting curious with them and just
asking questions and sticking to "what"
questions is a really big tool. Because as
soon as we start getting into "why" -- "Why did you do this?!" and "Why were you there?!"
"Why weren't you doing what I told you to do?!" It can bring up the defenses. But if you
can really sit back, put on your curiosity hat, and try to look
at it as more of a conversation than an interrogation, that's another way
to kind of open that door even just a crack so your kids can see that you're
on the same team and have them feel safe in in coming to you and sharing when
maybe they they were out of line or they had a little misstep. So that they know
that you're on the same team. Because if we come in guns a-blazing firing the
punishments they are probably not gonna feel so safe coming to us in the future
when they really need help. So that's just something else to keep in mind. And
then really quickly, just a few "big picture" items to always kind of have in
your back pocket, just in your day-to-day life with your kids, for encouraging a
sense of truthfulness, is embracing mistakes as opportunities to learn. And I
know I say it over and over and over again, but this is so so important. I
can't say enough how important this is for our kids to know that they
can fall on their face, that they can make mistakes, that they can have the
biggest screw-ups of screw-ups, and come to us and we'll be there for them. Not to
sweep it under the rug or take care of it for them, but to help them work
through it themselves so they know that they can face the big things with us.
That they're not alone. That they can always come to come
to us. And the way to do that is for them to know that mistakes are okay. And the
other piece with that too, is that if they know that mistakes are okay, they're
gonna be less likely to try and cover them up with lies. Not only are
they going to be more willing to come to us with the truth, they're gonna be less
likely to try and sweep them under the rug. Another really really big one is
acknowledging their courage when they do come forward with the truth. This is huge.
Saying, "Wow! Thanks bud, that took a lot of courage for you to tell the truth." or
"That was really brave of you to come and tell me when I'm sure you were probably
a little bit nervous or a little bit afraid." Thanking them and acknowledging
their courage and coming forward will be one of
the best ways to encourage them to do it again next time. Because they feel
safe. And that doesn't mean that they won't
have to deal with the consequences, but they will feel safe and coming and
facing it with you rather than having you coming down on them. And then the
last thing too, is maybe again depending on the situation and the age of your
kids, is backing off a little bit. Allowing for a little bit more privacy.
Because if you are constantly up in your kid's grill, all up in their business and you
want to know everything they're doing, they'll probably lie just because they
want you off of their back. So again, this won't apply in every situation, but if
you feel like you maybe have been a little bit, I don't even want to say it
but like "helicopter-y" or in your kid's business, just notice.
Because they may be lying just to have some privacy and to have something that
is theirs that they don't have to feel like they have to share with the entire
family. So the bottom line, I guess guys, is that if we want our kids to come to
us, to be truthful with us, to be honest with us, even in the trickiest of
situations, they need to feel safe. So just try your best to be
really really honest with your feelings, be really honest with the facts, avoiding
those those "gotcha" moments, and just and come in peace. And really try to
come in peace. Allow your kids time to explain, acknowledge their courage in
coming forward, and then work together on solutions moving forward so
situations like that are less likely to happen in the future. So I know it's a
big topic, it's a tricky topic, but I hope that helps. Of course if you're
looking for any more in-depth parenting resources or support join us over in the
Parent 'Hood, we'd be so happy to have ya! But yeah, take care guys. I hope
that helps. And I'll see ya in the next vid!
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