- I think my dad did the best that he could
with what he had,
because of what he was experiencing
as coming out as a gay man in his 40s.
I can put that into perspective,
and I can even put into perspective
how broken my mother was.
Like, the man who she intended to be with
the rest of her life,
turned out to be gay.
Like, I can't imagine what that would be like for her.
I think it was um,
for lack of a better term, more traumatic
whenever she um,
the day that she didn't come home from work.
And we were already moved into a new house,
it was me and my sister,
I think I was 15 at the time,
may have been in my sophomore year.
And uh, she had met somebody at work.
The day that they met and decided to start dating,
she didn't come home from work that day.
And that experience was,
where is my mom, why isn't she here?
And that's when I feel like my addiction really took off.
I mean, I don't blame her for my addiction,
but I know I felt abandoned.
So I started with weed and alcohol about 13, 14.
It was like right around the time that my dad came out.
And my family split at that point and um,
I was like, I was really afraid of everything else
at that point.
And it was just what everybody was doing.
And then eventually I ended up trying Adderall, and um,
but I continued to smoke weed and drink and then,
I don't think I ever tried coke before
I found out I that I was pregnant,
but I know after I had him, like whenever I had him,
was when I was introduced to opiates.
I'll never forget it,
that feeling of Demerol for the first time
in labor pains, and coming out of that hospital
on pain pills for the first time,
not knowing what they could or would do to me.
So eventually it progressed to Oxys,
from like Tylenol-3s, or Percs,
and I had tried heroin, but I only snorted it for a while.
And then I wanna say, I didn't start using the needle
until like March-ish of '08.
And like I had done some other things too,
I tried ecstasy in there somewhere like,
but nothing was like opiates by that point.
I knew I need to detox,
I'd been in treatment several times,
I really didn't wanna go but I knew,
everybody else was done with me.
So that's what took me to treatment.
So I sat there in Neil Kennedy,
like in that center area, like the pavilion place,
by myself for like the very first time,
realizing like everybody had given up on me,
because I had given up on me.
And that was the day that I,
I was just done, I was tired.
I couldn't fight anymore.
And I ended up staying there for two months.
And I was referred by Doctor Rose to you actually, ya.
And that's kinda like really where my recovery took off
in therapy, like honest therapy,
for the first time in my life.
- [Therapist] Let's start by just bringing up that idea
of the fourth step.
What seems to be bothering you the most
about doing the fourth step?
- Having to focus on me, just me.
- [Therapist] Okay.
Is there an image that goes along with that at all?
- Just being all alone, by myself.
- [Therapist] When you think about having to focus on me,
being alone by yourself,
is there a negative belief about self that's popping up?
- Yes, in a kind, some kind of way like,
as if I'm not good enough to be around other people.
Like, I'm damaged, it's almost like
I'm not alone because I'm choosing to be alone,
but more or less because nobody wants,
nobody else wants we around.
- [Therapist] What would you like to believe
instead of that?
- That I'm needed and wanted in other people's lives.
- [Therapist] When you think about that image
of you being alone,
how true does that statement feel right now?
That I'm needed and wanted in other people's lives.
One is false, seven's true.
- Right in the middle, about four or five.
- [Therapist] Cool, any emotions coming up?
Can you think about having to focus on me being alone?
- Very uncomfortable, very uneasy, just.
- [Therapist] What is the intensity of that right now,
zero to 10?
- Like everywhere but mostly like, in my chest.
- [Therapist] So it's in your body, in your chest?
Um, at what intensity?
Zero is no intensity, 10's the worst you can imagine.
- Five. - Okay.
Right, we're gonna get rollin'.
Again, this is regarding your fourth step block,
and having to focus on me.
Notice your chest,
notice the image of yourself alone,
and the negative belief that I'm not good enough
to be around others.
Just notice what happens.
Nice deep breath.
(sighs)
What's coming up Julie?
(sighs)
- I don't know why, but just that,
I'm sponsoring someone right now, and
sometimes I feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do.
- [Therapist] Just go with that.
Nice deep breath.
- (yawns) Sorry.
- [Therapist] What's coming up?
- Just that this is something I've,
that I've never done before,
building into this stuff and it's like,
I don't know it just seems so foreign
compared to the first three steps.
And it's like,
not that I knew what to expect in the first three,
but seriously like this is like totally brand new like,
it's just scaring me.
- [Therapist] Notice that.
Nice deep breath.
What's coming up?
- Just that (sighs) sometimes I think with,
whenever I feel like I wanna write,
but one of the biggest reasons that I don't wanna write,
is because I feel like my life is too complicated
to put on paper.
Like everything from my past,
everything all the way up until today,
is like there's just,
there's so much, like I'm just too complicated.
- [Therapist] Go with that.
Nice deep breath.
(sighs)
What's coming up?
(sighs)
- That what I just need to do is just do it, just write,
no matter what comes out.
(sighs)
The only solution is to just write,
and people have been telling me this for the past month,
and I've been hearing them but never listening,
never just doing it and and fighting it,
or not fighting but just doing it.
- [Therapist] That's not a bad idea,
just doing it, no matter what comes out.
(sniffs)
- (yawns) Sorry.
- [Therapist] What's coming up?
- Just the word fear because like,
I'm starting to see that the only thing that's gonna,
ease the discomfort and give me,
peace of mind, is to do this and,
I'm not necessarily gonna be facing my fears but,
because they're always gonna be there,
I'm still gonna have my fears about doing this,
because it's change, it's different, it's new but
(sighs) for me just being fearless is to just
walk through it anyway,
just do it anyway.
- [Therapist] Deep breath.
(yawns)
- Sorry.
- It's okay, reach again.
(sighs)
- (laughing) I'm laughing, oh my god, you're right.
- Yes! - (laughing) I'm serious.
- [Therapist] Woo hoo!
- I like it but that's just what's going on.
(laughing) That's how I feel.
- [Therapist] Notice that feeling, just embrace that Julie.
(laughing)
- Even though my eyes were shut, I see your excitement.
(both laughing)
- [Therapist] Deep breath.
(yawns)
What's coming up?
(sighs)
- I don't know.
I got nothing.
- [Therapist] Other than you wanna go home and write.
- That's where I'm at.
I looked forward to coming in and doing it,
because I knew that healing was gonna be involved somehow.
Whether we were going to tackle a core belief,
or whether we were going to tackle
whatever happened over the last month,
or whatever happened over the last week.
I knew that there was gonna be some healing
on the other side of that,
somehow, that day.
And I didn't know what kind of result I would get to,
I didn't know what it would be,
but I knew it was gonna be better than whenever I came in.
At first though like I didn't know what to think of it,
because like these things are just in my head,
you know what I mean,
but it turned into like a meditation, I still use it.
Like even, even though I don't have those things,
like the tapping back and forth,
it helped me get through meetings that I was anxious in.
Whenever I had um,
whenever I felt like,
whenever I felt like I had social anxiety,
it helped me bring back the focus to me, and grounding,
like just going through that.
So I could kinda take myself back to that safe place
at any moment.
Even if I couldn't like mentally picture my safe place,
I could physically like, feel better.
- [Therapist] And what is your memory of how it helped you
through the fourth step?
- Oh my goodness, like, because of the things that
come up in a fourth step,
I mean resentment, strong resentments,
towards my mom, towards my dad, towards my family,
towards Evan's father.
From not even knowing I had anger issues, it came up.
You know from, to my fears, to my sex life,
to my insecurities,
all the things that come up in a fourth step,
I was able to manage those emotions.
I could start to deal with them and heal from them,
through EMDR sessions.
And by the time I had to sit down and go over it
with my sponsor and do a fifth step,
it's not that I had already worked through all of it,
because there was still a lot of stuff,
a lot of awareness that I needed to have,
from working on that with a sponsor.
But just the regular feelings that come up,
that surface from exposure,
from um erf, yeah, exposure um,
writing about it.
I didn't know it was gonna come up,
it was like the first time I ever really looked at me,
and that was scary and traumatic.
So of course it was gonna come up in,
like in our EMDR sessions um.
And it helped me survive emotion.
- [Therapist] So tell me what you mean by
EMDR helped you survive emotion.
- Oh, because emotions would come up during a session.
Like, as things came up,
I never knew what was gonna come up,
I don't know if you knew that.
I never knew what was gonna come up.
I don't know if you knew what was gonna come up,
but when it did, so did the emotions,
so did the feelings and I didn't know what to do with those,
because I had been emotionally numb for so long,
I had no idea what was gonna come up.
And I knew I was in a place where,
regardless of what came up,
it was gonna be worked through.
And I wasn't gonna feel it,
and that impending doom of just a feeling,
just a feeling.
I didn't have that impending doom over a feeling anymore.
- [Therapist] How has that served you
as a woman in long-term recovery?
That ability to not be scared of emotion?
- Oh gosh.
Wow.
Because I'm more familiar and with the feelings,
with the emotions,
not only am I able to express them,
I have a lot of other women to express them to me,
in the recovery process.
Um, it's,
it's allowed me to be a better friend,
it's allowed me to be a better mother,
because I can express and not,
gosh I don't even know how to explain it,
I just know that I,
it's not control, that's for sure,
I still don't have control over my emotions,
but um, I just have a different kind of balance now.
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