Hey guys, so a week from today I will be
done with my first year of college, which
is wild. Throughout this past semester
specifically I've been thinking a lot
about how I've changed
in the past year, and I thought it was
worth talking about because before I
went to college I was really really
scared. I just didn't feel ready to get
on with that part of my life yet, but
obviously I got thrown into the college
life anyway and I really think it
benefited me a lot and in ways that I
didn't really expect it to. So the thing
that got me thinking about this in the
first place was the way that I noticed
myself developing in my queer poetry
class. So the first day I got into that
class I was so fucking scared because we
were going to be reading poetry and
talking about it in class and I was
pretty insecure about my ability to read
poetry and especially like sophisticated
poetry. And the more terrifying thing was
that we were going to write poetry and
workshop it in the class, which meant
people were going to look at my poems
that I wrote and talk about how they
were bad. I signed up for the seminar
because I like poetry, I like to read it
and I have tried writing it and it's fun,
but I never felt confident in it. And the
first time I workshopped a poem, it was
not a good poem. I was not super good at
writing poetry, I didn't really get what
I needed to do and pretty much the whole
class was like "I don't get it" and it was
really scary and embarrassing, and I did
not feel good after the first time I
workshopped it. But throughout the class
we kept learning about poetry and
reading all different types of poetry
and talking about the ways to make your
poetry sophisticated and just better. And
by the second time I got to workshop a
poem, which was probably like a month- ish
later, people really liked it. So the
third and last time I workshopped a poem
in this class, I was not nervous about it
and I felt good about it and I was
excited to hear what people had to say,
and I was excited to get feedback on how
to improve it, and I just I wasn't scared
anymore of doing that. That's when I
started to realize that not only had I
developed skills in something that I
thought I was just like destined to be
bad at forever,
but I also developed confidence in it and
I'm so like not used to developing
confidence in particular fields and
especially about things that I was once
insecure about. I feel like I either go
into something confident or I just never
become confident in it ever. But I genuinely
did get better at this thing that I was
insecure about and I became more secure in it. This got me thinking about other
ways that college helped me develop as a
person, and while I was thinking about
that I realized that I'm not as shy as I
used to be. In high school, you would not
see me raising my hand for any class. And
even in my first semester of college I
really did not participate in class
discussions, but this semester at some
point I decided: screw that, I'm going to
raise my head of toughen up even if I
don't know if it's right. And as a
naturally shy and anxious person, I
pretty much accepted that whenever I do
raise my hand to talk in a group of
people I am always going to have that
feeling in my heart where I'm just
freaking out and feel like I need to
leave the room because it's too much, but
that has not gotten in the way of me
talking in class this semester. Along the
same lines
probably the biggest thing I was worried
about going into college was making
friends and being able to talk to
strangers, and I'm going to be honest,
that one has been a little difficult. But
somehow still even though I am shy and
introverted and I do not go out of my way
to talk to people, I have still made a
few friends. Somehow I did that even
though I am myself, an anxious child.
But yeah, that's a scenario where I still need to
work on things and improve and develop
myself as a person more, but that's the
thing: I feel like I can do that now. I
don't really know how yet and it is kind
of scary to think about how I'm going to
move forward in the future, but in the
past eight months, these parts of my life
that I wasn't entirely secure in and
that I was worried about, and these parts of
my personalities that held me back from
being my best self, those things
developed beyond my control. I'm going to
have to put in some effort to change
things in the future and to keep working
on becoming a full adult, but this isn't
a one step process, and I am naturally
going to learn
more. I'm going to grow as a person just
as a result of time passing by and of me
being in college. And it's nice to be
reassured by what's happened in the past
eight months that I can continue growing
throughout college and that I can work
through things that are hard for me and
that I'm just gonna get better because
of college, and that's really cool. It
makes it a little less scary knowing
that I've already started doing that. So
yeah, if you're scared of not just
college but just any new situation that
you're being thrown into, you'll be okay
you'll figure it out, and it'll make you
better in ways that you might not even
have expected. So yeah that's pretty much
everything, thanks for watching and I'll see
you guys next time I make a video. y'all I'm so
ready to be done, I'm just I'm so ready
so ready. Just wanna be home with my dog.
that's all I want.
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