hey guys! i'm j. so for a while i've been trying to kind of nail down my ideas of, specifically
about masculinity versus toxic masculinity, because there is a difference, i do believe there's
a difference.
i'm just bad at articulating things, but i've tried to do so in this video, so here
we go.
the first thing that's important to point out is that masculinity in of itself isn't
inherently toxic.
you can be a masculine man and not ascribe to principles of toxic masculinity.
that's what i think people don't get.
it's not that feminists want men to stop being masculine.
we don't think that masculine men are bad or a problem.
masculinity is only a problem when it's used to justify the hatred of those who aren't
masculine.
so the point is, if you're masculine, that's okay. it means you like doing things that
are traditionally associated with boys and men.
that's not a problem.
but if you think that all men should be masculine and men who aren't are "less" of a man
or aren't "real" men, that's toxic masculinity.
you can like sports, that's masculine and fine.
but calling your friend a girl or a sissy or a pussy or some other gendered insult just
'cause he doesn't? that toxic masculinity.
liking sex?
fine.
shaming guys who don't?
toxic.
paying for the meal, pulling out a chair, holding the door?
masculine and fine (also fine if you don't do that, because men don't have to do those
things).
cat-calling women on the street because you think that they look sexy, even when they
didn't ask for your opinion and now they feel a lot less safe in public?
toxic.
not being particularly interested in face masks and stuff like that?
that's fine.
not even put on moisturizer every day because you think only gay guys do that?
that's a lil toxic.
telling your friends that you care about them?
great.
we need more of that.
being averse to touch and therefore not liking to express physical affection?
that's perfectly fine.
not expressing affection for your guy friends, especially physically, because you think it
might make you look gay?
toxic.
see, toxic masculinity is rooted in these outdated ideas of sexism and homophobia.
toxic masculinity actually hurts women.
not masculinity itself, but toxic masculinity overly sexualizes the male experience and
it forces men to see women as conquests.
think about barney stinson, or ryan gosling's character in crazy stupid love before he met
emma stone's character, vs to steve carrell's character.
toxic masculinity is being afraid that you're less of a man because you've only slept
with one woman in your life, or because you're a virgin.
there's nothing wrong with that, except in the eyes of people who see sex as an accomplishment,
an achievement.
but it's not, necessarily.
i mean, women aren't your prizes for being a real man.
it's this sort of attitude that makes men feel insecure when women are in positions of power,
because if all you've been taught to see women are as objects, then you won't be used
to having a woman as, for example, your boss. and if you're not used to having a woman as
your boss, having to actually respect and listen to a woman?
that's toxic masculinity.
normal masculinity is fine, and even those who are still masculine are able to "feel
like men" when their bosses are women.
but we aren't responsible for how you feel, for how men feel.
women aren't not responsible for making men "feel like men."
if your masculinity is threatened by a woman speaking up for herself or being in power,
it's probably toxic.
but you know what?
toxic masculinity hurts men, too.
toxic masculinity and the aversion to all things feminine has very troubling roots when
we recognize that expressing emotions is seen as feminine.
how many times as a society have we told our men that boys don't cry? because that's
bullshit.
everyone cries. it's not just a "girl" thing.
boys feel sad.
boys get depressed.
fun fact that isn't fun at all: boys kill themselves.
white males accounted for 70% of suicides in 2016.
why? is it because when boys open up the only thing we tell them to just "man up?" or
is that they know that that's the only advice they're gonna get given, so they don't
even open up at all?
that's toxic masculinity at work.
and another thing that i didn't even really think about while i was filming this morning,
um, i'm watching the movie spotlight right now, and you know, boys are never really--
the idea of toxic masculinity reinforces the idea that boys are always supposed to want
sex, and so boys who have been sexually assaulted or harassed or anything like that, they don't
really feel comfortable coming out about it.
they think that, you know, it's not something that's gonna be taken seriously, you know,
a lot of boys are told that they're "lucky" that something like that happened to them
when they were so young, um, when in reality they were assaulted.
they, they- that's illegal, it's immoral, it's a crime that they need to have taken
care of, but they don't feel comfortable coming forward about it because we don't take sexual
assault victims when they're male seriously.
and that comes from toxic masculinity and the overly sexualized experience of males.
and that's the problem, there, in of itself.
in the past few decades we've made tremendous strides for women but not really for men.
we need to catch up on that.
our boys need to live in a world where they know it's safe to be themselves.
tomboy girls are more accepted than feminine boys, because as per socialized toxic masculinity
we've set "masculine" as the norm.
girls can deviate from their femininity back to the norm, but men are already at the "norm,"
and seeing them move away from masculinity towards femininity is considered strange to us.
we've spent so long telling women that they're smart enough to go into STEM or law school,
that they're strong enough to lift weights and play sports and stand up for what they
believe in, brave enough to face the pressure of being a woman in this man's world.
but we haven't told our men that just because they don't want to go into STEM or law school,
that just be because they can't lift weights or don't like sports; we haven't told
our boys that just because they don't fit the narrow definition of "man" in this
man's world, that they're still enough.
men don't need to change, to give up or hide their interests and their feelings just
to be accepted in this world.
men cry, men feel pain, men have mental disorders, men have physical disorders.
men want to be nurses and bakers and stay-at-home dads. and there's nothing wrong with that.
not all men want to be cops or surgeons or ceos or engineers or football stars, the same
way that not all women want to be housewives or teachers or, i don't know, flight attendants.
a woman working a traditionally masculine job or doing traditionally masculine things
doesn't make her any less of a woman.
it's time now that we tell our boys that working a traditionally feminine job or doing a traditionally
feminine thing doesn't make him any less of a man.
so we don't necessarily live in a patriarchy anymore, at least in america, um, but we do
live in a society that is either highly feminized or heavily masculinized.
boys and girls both are expected to act in a certain way that corresponds with their gender.
i babysit for two little boys, um, once i heard their dad telling the older one that
he threw like a girl.
now what does that statement imply?
1) that being "like a girl" is bad because girls are bad, and 2) a man shouldn't want
to be anything like a girl.
now the feminist movement has worked really hard to disprove the first point.
we've tried to say, hey, stop using female-related words as insults because it implies that females
are in some way worse than males.
but it's time that we need to attack the second point, too -- that implies that males acting
like females is inherently bad.
there's nothing wrong with a man who has traditionally feminine interests, but society's
immediate dismissal of anything feminine in relation to a man reinforces the idea that
men shouldn't be feminine. and that is toxic masculinity, because we shouldn't be denying
men the opportunity to be interested in something even if it's not what we would traditionally
expect.
we've expanded our barriers for women in more ways than i can count in the last few
decades.
but men are still by and large still stuck in this idea that they have to act a certain
way to be "real men." and we need to expand out of this idea.
we've fought against women putting down other women for, you know, wearing too much
makeup or not enough, for having too much sex or none at all, we've fought against
women shaming each other on their level of femininity.
now we need to do the same for men and their masculinity.
guys, don't put down your friends for not liking football or not being good at sports.
don't put down your friends for liking to bake or for anything they like to do.
don't think that women owe you sex just because you think you're a good-looking
man.
don't shy away from a friend's hug because you think it might you look gay.
don't be afraid of that, don't be afraid of anything.
this world is ours. we define it. and if we continue to define men in such a narrow way
that only like three percent of you can actually make it across and the rest of you just fall
into the lava, then what's the point? we live in a world where we define things just
so that we can make fun of the people who don't fit our strict definition.
and it's dumb.
do whatever you want.
it doesn't matter what gender you are.
it doesn't matter if you're straight or gay. it doesn't matter if you're feminine
or masculine, it doesn't matter, nothing matters.
okay, this is getting a little nihilistic, but the point is, you can't let outdated
renditions of what men and women "should" act like define the way that we live our lives,
get in the way of living our lives.
so men, speak up if you're depressed; you're not any less of a man because of it.
tell that woman in the bar that you don't want to go home with her tonight; you're
not any less of a man because of it.
ask to split the bill; you're not any less of a man because of it.
tell your friends you're there for them, that you love them.
call your mom. watch the great british bake-off with your dad. do whatever the hell you want
as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, including yourself.
that's all we're alive for in the first place.
in my opinion.
that could be a whole different video, i'm not gonna get into that right now.
and anyways, all in all, just check yourself.
figure out if you're acting the way you are because you want to or because you've
been told to. and set yourself free.
men, make sure you don't hate other men just for not ascribing to your toxic ideals
of masculinity.
women, make sure you're not reinforcing these ideas as well! because we do it too,
but we shouldn't. we should let our boys feel safe to be themselves.
just because you're a man doesn't mean you have to be tied to things that you hate.
there's nothing wrong with being a masculine guy or a feminine girl.
there's nothing wrong with being a feminine guy or a masculine girl.
your gender is really only a small part of who you are; it's what you do, and what
you love, that makes you you.
don't hide that from the world for fear of rejection.
you don't have to fall back on outdated, toxic ideas in order to prove yourself.
i think this is like the third time i've said "in conclusion," but in conclusion, masculinity?
fine.
toxic masculinity?
not fine.
i hope this made sense.
well, thank you guys for watching and i will see you in another life.
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