*Claps*
Does anybody recognize where we are? Hmmm
So for the record it is Monday the 24th of December at half past 1 in the morning.
Okay, and I'm recording this because I don't know, this is sort of my diary.
So for those of you who don't know, I have a condition called Trichotillomania.
Where I pull my own hair out. 6 months ago I was sat in this exact spot, with blue hair halfway down my head.
And I shaved it all off, because I was having bad Trich.
And it is Christmas Eve, and I don't do well in the winter.
So in the last, about 20 minutes ummmm
Can you see? If it can feel it??...... that's happened.
It's come out so easily. I didn't even notice I was pulling, usually I can feel something.... but nothing.
It's just, I just have to run my hand through, it's just popping out. So....
From experience, that hole will get a lot bigger fast.
And it tends to not to grow back from that area very quickly.
I really don't know what to do....
Because I know if I shave this off, that's gonna be extremely visible.
Whereas now at the moment I could maybe put, like something over it to....to hide it.
Ummmmm
Which would get me through Christmas, which will get me through seeing family.
Cause it's difficult to suddenly turn up with a bald head, and family pictures, and things like that.
But at the same time I know if I keep this, I could pull a bigger section out.
Between now and shaving it, say a week after Christmas.
It's so difficult, because I'm just like..... but what if I get better?
What if tomorrow I wake up and I don't feel the urge to pull? And so I shaved my hair off for nothing?
And it's quite friggin obvious, you've got a big hole on the side of your head.
Then also, What if I don't get better tomorrow? & What if I wake up and pull even more?
I want long hair, I don't think I'm gonna get it.
It's been 6 months since I shaved my head, and I only got it to about.....not much longer than this then.
I'm gonna have to phone my hairdresser again and apologize.
Like 'By the way, I'm not gonna be having haircuts anymore because I've shaved my head again'
And for somebody who is socially awkward, that's a really difficult thing to do.
I feel awkward, I'm just like...
'Can I cancel my appointment? It's not like I don't like you.
It's not they haven't done a great job.....I just don't have any hair left '
It's gonna be so obvious if I shave my head....
You're just gonna see this patch here, but if I don't shave it, the patch will get bigger......
I honestly don't know what to do?
I had it sussed, a minute ago, But then I actually saw the hole, and saw how big it was.
But my hair is doing this constantly... and I just. I mean it stands on its end.
At no point does have actually lie flat,
And so you can't hide the hole anways. Maybe I could put bandanas on?
But this is itching so much, my hair is aghhhh
My skin is crawling from hair. It's driving me crackers.
I'm having to take Claritin, like antihistamines for my own head. Because I can.....
It's making me sneeze, it's making my eyes water.
I don't know how somebody can be allergic to their own hair, but somehow I think I have become that.
Maybe it's my medication, maybe once I'm off my medication. That everything comes down in my life.
.....That's never gonna happen, but maybe it would and I just.....
I want to have hair....But I....
So intolerant to it.
If I went completely bald then you wouldn't notice it.
But if I went completely bald, oh my god! the.....
Whatever of that...
I have enough issues, I have enough things wrong with me.
And so to suddenly be bald.... It's just like WTF.......
I could put a hat on maybe, at Christmas? That would work?
And then I just have really short hair at the front?
It wouldn't be so bad?
No I have to shave it, because I know I will pull the rest of it out.
Especially now I'm agitated already.
I'm in the middle of filming a YouTube series, the continuities gonna be buggered.
But I know I will pull the rest of this out.
For the sheer stress of it.
How did I get Trich? It didn't show up for years and then 5,6 years ago, suddenly poof!
I've been in this shave, grow, shave grow, shave, grow cycle.
I don't want to shave it, but I don't want to pull it all out either.
Uhhhh I'm gonna have too.
If people don't understand it then screw them.
I have, a thing. I haven't........
Okay let's just shut up and do it.
Oh my god, I'm having a breakdown on camera.
I don't know why I'm recording this except ....for for my own.
Is this like a diary I guess?
So if anybody didn't understand Trich, and doesn't understand why I'm doing this.
I'm not doing it out of fun. I'm not doing it to get attention.
This is going on in my brain right now.
This is what it looks like.
Okay shut up and do it.......
Bye redhead *buzzing*
Can't look I'm just doing
*buzzing*
It's gonna take a while.....
*Buzzing*
Just seeing the hair drop
*Buzzing*
See Idon't hate me with a shaved head.
I quite like a shaved head, just now really fecking obvious!
Okay, carry on.
*Buzzing*
God, it's so noticeable.
What the fuck have done?
I can''t...
Okay
I couldn't do that on camera.
I was just too upset and too annoyed at myself that I was doing it.
But it's done, but obviously this is now really obvious!
But I'll just put a hat on when I see the family and stuff.
I was gonna go from mohawk, and just keep that bit. But nope.
It proves how much I am allergic to my own hair.
It's on me right now and instead of it just being a little irritating or itching.
It... it hurts. It's like it's burning.
That's it, that's all of the hair that's just come off my head.
So much of it again, it's ridiculous, like the amount of just....aghhhh
No it hurts.
So that's it, Christmas Eve 2018.
I do kind of feel a sense of relief now. I'm just, okay it's just done!
It's just, it's just done now. It's just done!
I will probably hate it in the morning. And I will have to deal with the consequences of this.
But it's done, I can't pull anymore.
I mean I might end up pulling this..... who knows.
Yeah, can still pull it a bit. So I will go shorter.
Okay I hope you guys are good and that I will see you guys soon.
I don't know why I said that?
Just automatically did.
2018 done!
Bye........
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