(funky music)
- Tonight, it looks like Nazis are back.
Guess you died for nothing, Gramps.
(news music)
Hello, and welcome back to our broadcast.
Now, as always, to our main anchor, Michael Donovan.
Thank you Michael.
I'm Michael Donovan, and our top story tonight,
a terrible shoot out at the NRA killed eight representatives
and injured 13 more NRA reps.
Here with more on this story is
our investigative reporter, Owen Walters.
Owen, what caused this terrible tragedy?
- Well Michael, just two days ago, the NRA met here
in order to do something.
Sadly the itinerary was lost during the fight.
You see, as the last of the NRA reps arrived,
a crazed swordsman by the name of Jared Cogsworth,
charged into the crowd.
Almost immediately, several NRA reps started to
shoot at Jared
Although Jared was unscathed, the shots were enough
to chase him off.
However, it was too late.
Other NRA reps had heard the shots and they had taken out
their guns as well.
What followed was seven minutes of hell in which
each armed NRA rep, which was all of them,
had taken out their firearms and started firing blindly.
When the last shots had been fired, the damage had been
done, and several NRA reps had been injured or killed.
Thankfully before any of the reps thought to call for help,
the first police cars had arrived.
You see, people from up to eight blocks away had called
the police upon hearing all the shots fired,
and because of that, most of the NRA reps that
had been injured were able to get help just in time.
- And thank goodness for that, Owen.
Who knows what would have happened otherwise.
- They probably would have kept shooting, Michael.
(laughs)
- Owen, who said you could talk to me?
- I'm sorry.
- You just did it again.
That's more like it.
Now, on to our top story.
A local man took down his own confederate flag,
representing...
Representing history.
This begs the question, should the government allow
dangerous facts into our schools?
One brave crusader says, yes.
A teenage boy, by the name of Thomas Parks, has
started a movement across America.
The goal of this movement, to allow dangerous,
and possibly deadly facts into our schools.
We sent top investigative reporter, Owen Walters the second,
to interview this young firebrand.
- Thanks, Michael.
Now I'm here with the young Mr. Parks to get to
the bottom of this particularly dangerous movement.
Now Thomas, what inspired you to create such a movement?
- I just, you know, it's important to learn the truth.
Isn't that why we're here?
(laughs)
(laughs)
- Okay, but seriously, why are you
practically committing treason?
Do you hate America?
- Wait. What?
No, I don't hate America.
I just think that the classroom should be a place
to discuss learning, not indoctrination.
- (sighs) Now look here, son, who put the thought
in your head that school was about learning?
- My parents. Why?
- (sighs) Well, your parents lied to you.
School is all about indoctrination.
Why do you think we make you pledge allegiance
to this country every day?
Why do you think we force you to go and get
a standard education now, instead of teaching you about
things you might actually use or, a chosen career path?
- Well...
- It's because none of this is about education.
Don't you see?
School isn't a touchy feely place about learning.
It's to make sure all of you goddamned brats
respect the stars and stripes.
Got it?
- Yeah, I got it.
- Good. Back to you, Michael.
- Thanks, Owen.
Hey, we still up for bowling tomorrow night?
- You know it.
- Wait, but I thought.
- Owen, I swear, if I hear another peep out of you,
you will be investigating the inside of a sewage pipe
for a month.
- Seriously, Owen, what's wrong with you?
- (sighs) Well, anyways.
Let's now go on to our top story.
A very special interview with a very special guest.
The version of General Pershing that exists
inside our president's head.
How you doing G Persh?
- Oh, very well, young man.
- Good. Good.
You don't mind being called G Persh, do you?
- Oh, not at all.
- Oh. Okay.
Well, General Pershing, the president has been
telling a lot of stories about you.
I have to ask, are they true?
- Oh, not at all.
- Really?
You know, I did think that they seemed a bit...
- Tame, I know.
- Tame, tame? Really?
How so?
- Well, they cut out all the good parts.
- Elaborate.
- Well, for starters...
(interference).
You see, and that was...
(interference)
(crying)
- And right, and left.
And that's just how you have to deal with littering.
(crying)
- How can you do that?
They were only four years old.
- Well, it was harder to aim, but we got 'em,
and that's what matters.
And then, we...
- Don't you dare tell me what you did.
I couldn't sleep at night before I met you.
But now, now I'm going to have to buy a man-sized crib
for me to cry into every night.
(crying)
You are a monster; a monster of the highest degree.
And that is why I am just so glad that your stories
had inspired our president.
Thank you for coming here, General Pershing.
- Well, not a problem, my boy.
- Oh. Oh God.
Now, in political news, Donald Trump has been made
fun of by SNL, once again.
Please allow us to show the sketch in full to bump ra...
No, not to bump ratings, to report on this political issue.
Oh, God, what is my life.
(funky music)
What are you doing?
The show's over, just...
Like the video, subscribe for more
I'm going home. Bye.
(Music picks up)
(Music fades out)
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