Hi, welcome to Happy Now Olivia!
A channel dedicated to the pursuit of happiness, because you don't have to wait.
You can be happy now.
I'm Olivia.
Today I'm going to talk about Love and Relationships, the subject of timeless art, literature and
music.
We all want to love and to be loved, but most problems in modern society come from neglecting
the first part of that sentence.
Actively loving someone versus just wanting to be loved.
If you've watched my Intro video, you know that I was searching for happiness for a long
time.
Part of that search included desperately trying to find love.
I looked outside of myself and gave everything I had to give to all the wrong people.
I neglected the most important person, myself.
In order to know and love someone else, we have to know and love ourselves.
We've heard this before and it may sound trite, but it's true.
In todays world there are a thousand distractions at every turn.
If we haven't learned to focus our attention to the deepest parts of who we are, this concept
may be difficult to accept, or we may be convinced we know who we are and what we want.
When we are in a close relationship with someone, two things happen.
The best of us comes out, but also the worst of us comes out and that is one of the greatest
opportunities for personal growth.
When the little things and sometimes the big things that aren't the most polished or
the prettiest come out, love, commitment and understanding play their greatest roles in
helping us to grow and to look within ourselves to get better.
The result is a deep, wonderful, and honest connection with another human being.
In order to address the subject of how to achieve love and successful relationships
I'm going to go back to two of my favorite books, "Restoration Therapy" by Terry Hargrave
and Franz Pfitzer and "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey.
With Restoration Therapy the goal is to restore the elements of human existence that most
often cause relational and individual brokenness.
The human need to find relationships, to develop relationships is innate.
We can't form identity, knowledge of the self, or even our personalities without
the context of another.
We don't reflect ourselves.
We see and learn about ourselves through the context and reflection of relationships.
Relationships demand that one individual give to another.
As a result of the giving, this individual is entitled to receive something.
These two facts make humans interdependent.
Interdependence is the healthy expression of a allowing the desire for relationships
when there is a consistency we can rely on that allows us to trust and move towards
an exchange of love and intimacy.
That predictability and trust allows to move into deeper and deeper levels of interaction.
So what happens when a partner in a relationship is irresponsible?
Who will be responsible for the giving the other in the relationship needs?
Many people who are in relationships with irresponsible people become isolated because
of the hopelessness that the other partner will not meet their needs, or they become
over responsible trying to meet their own needs.
We can't receive from ourselves the giving that must come from another.
Responsibility in a relationship belongs to two people, and it means to give responsibly
in a way that is reliable.
But human beings are not totally reliable.
Even in the best of relationships and in the best of circumstances, with the best of intentions
partners can't be totally predictable.
How much unpredictability can a relationship handle?
According to Hargrave and Pfizer, clinically, partners in a relationship need a consistency
rate of about 85% to 90%.
Predictability doesn't mean perfection, but partners have to be consistent in giving
or they will be forced into a position of questioning safety and trustworthiness.
An aspect of trustworthiness that is key in relationships is Justice or Balance.
In a horizontal relationships between equals such as spouses, each is entitled to give
and each is entitled to receive equally.
Picture a ledger where on the left someone is entitled to receive respect, care and intimacy.
On the right they're obligated to give respect, care and intimacy.
This is just a partial list of what spouses and people in relationships give and take.
Each relationship's individual ledger may be different in terms of specifics.
For example in some relationships one person is more responsible for providing income to
the family, the other may be responsible to provide more care and nurturing to the household.
If the individuals feel that the give and take is balanced, they will feel that the
relationship is fair, and that there is justice in the give and take.
It's important to remember that the give and take in a relationship does not to be
exact at any given moment.
Sometimes someone gives more than they receive in a relationship, or they receive more than
they give.
As long as these times oscillate appropriately between partners, so that the give and take
is balanced over a period of time, trustworthiness can be achieved.
The point is to maintain long-term balance in relationships.
In order to illustrate a practical way of how to achieve trust and balance in relationships,
I'm going to go over Stephen Covey's fantastic concept of the emotional bank account.
With a financial bank account we make deposits to build up a reserve from which we can make
withdrawals when we need too.
An emotional bank account is a metaphor for the amount of trust that's been built in
a relationship.
For example, if I make deposits into an emotional bank account with you through kindnesses,
honesty and keeping promises, I build up a reserve.
Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to.
I can even make mistakes and that high trust account, that emotional reserve will compensate
for it.
When the trust account is high communication is easy, instant and effective.
But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, ignoring you,
becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust and threatening you, my emotional bank account
is overdrawn.
The trust levels are very low and I have no flexibility.
I have to watch everything I say, be careful about everything I say.
The tension in the air is palpable.
Marriage is the most intimate, potentially rich, joyful, satisfying, and productive relationship
possible between two people.
Our most constant relationships require our most constant deposits.
We've all run into friends from the past we haven't seen for years and we can pick
up right where we left off, because earlier deposits are still there.
But our accounts with the people we interact with on a regular basis need a more constant
investment.
Stephen Covey outlines 6 major deposits we can do to build an emotional bank account that
will yield a lifetime of love and trust interest.
The first deposit we can make is Understanding the Individual.
Really seeking to understand another person is probably the most important deposit you
can make and the key to every other deposit.
We really don't know what constitutes a deposit to someone else unless we truly know
and understand that person.
What may constitute a deposit to you: going for a walk to talk things over, going out
for ice cream together, doing a project together, may not be perceived as a deposit
by someone else.
In fact, it might even be perceived as a withdrawal if it doesn't address that person's deep
interests or needs.
To make a deposit, what is important to someone else must be as important to you as that person
is to you.
We tend to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need.
The second deposit we can make towards having a successful relationship is Attending to
the Little Things.
Little kindnesses and courtesies are so important.
Small unkindnesses and discourtesies or forms of disrespect make major withdrawals.
In relationships the little things are the big things.
Third, Keeping Commitments.
Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit.
Breaking one is a major withdrawal.
There's probably not a more massive withdrawal you can make than to make a promise that matters,
that means something to someone and not come through.
Fourth, Clarifying Expectations.
Most relationship difficulties are rooted in conflicting and ambiguous expectations
around roles and goals.
Unclear expectations lead to misunderstandings, disappointments and withdrawals of trust.
Expectations may be implicit.
They haven't been explicitly stated or announced, but people nonetheless bring them into a particular
situation.
Even if they haven't been discussed or the person who has isn't even aware of it,
fulfilling them makes deposits, violating them makes withdrawals.
That's why it's so important whenever you come into a new situation to lay out on
the table all the expectations explicitly and clearly.
The fifth deposit we can make is to Show Personal Integrity.
Personal Integrity generates trust and it's the basis for many other deposits.
A lack of integrity undermines almost every other effort to build high trust accounts.
Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty.
Honesty is telling the truth, conforming our words to reality.
Integrity is conforming reality to our words: keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.
One of the most important ways we can manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are
not present.
In doing so, we gain the trust of those who are present.
Integrity is an interdependent reality where we treat everyone by the same set of principles.
Many people would prefer to take the course of least resistance, belittling and criticizing,
betraying confidences, and gossiping about people behind their backs.
Integrity also means avoiding any conversation that is deceptive and beneath the dignity
of people.
The sixth and final deposit we can make is To Apologize Sincerely.
A person must have a deep level of security in order to apologize genuinely.
People with little internal security can't do it.
It makes them too vulnerable.
They feel it makes them appear soft and weak.
Their worth comes from the opinions of other people and they worry what others might think.
They usually feel justified in what they did and they rationalize their own wrongdoing.
If they apologize at all, it's insincere.
Sincere apologies make deposits, repeated apologies interpreted as insincere make withdrawals.
When we make deposits of unconditional love with people, we help them to feel safe, secure,
validated and affirmed in their sense of worth, identity and integrity.
One of, another aspect of trustworthiness that is key in relationships is Openness.
When we are open about our flaws we acknowledge areas of deficiency.
It makes us more likely to use that openness to address shortcomings and to grow.
Being open about flaws without addressing shortcomings demands that the other partner
simply adjust, and live as if the problem doesn't exist, or can't be solved.
Openness doesn't mean, it's not about saying "This is the way I am, and in order
to be with me you have to take me as I am."
It means "This is what I see in myself and I believe I can be better."
When openness points toward growth, our imperfections and our partner's actually pull us closely
into a more intimate bond.
Openness also provides an opportunity to demonstrate vulnerability.
When we share what we think about a particular subject or that partner in a relationship,
we invite the other to do the same.
Our thoughts and emotions in many ways are the things that are the most important and
the deepest to us.
When we share these openly and vulnerably in relationships we're sharing the deepest
parts of who we are.
There are two ways in which people are not open in relationships.
The first is misrepresentation and lying.
When someone is intentionally deceptive in a relationship, the discovery is particularly
painful to the other individual because their thoughts, feeling and reality turned out to
be false, and they're left wondering if anything in the relationship was real or true.
Another way lying is painful is that vulnerability and openness were openly given with nothing
given in return.
The second way people are not open in relationships is to become distant or secretive which results
in an intimacy standstill.
There is little interaction between partners as they each drift further and further away
into their own individuality.
There is no intimacy or vulnerability.
There has been much interest in psychology about the unconscious and seeking relationships
to correct or fulfill a need, desire or relationship from the past.
For example, a man marries a woman just like his mother or ex-wife.
Some of these theories are valid in terms of motivations, unconscious urges and felt
obligations, but Hargrave and Pfitzer's basic premise of the Restoration Therapy model
is that human beings seek relationships not so much because they mimic the behavior and
relationships with our past and our caregivers, but because they need them to form a sense
of identity and safety.
Human beings are built to seek relationships and for those relationships to be
trustworthy, balanced and fulfilled.
Unfulfilled and unmet needs in relationships resemble unfulfilled and unmet needs with
our primary caregiving relationships, because relationships in general bring out those needs
that are related to love and trustworthiness.
That's why relationships provide us with an incredible opportunity to grow.
Because we can choose to face ourselves and our past in order to find love, peace and
balance in the present.
It's not okay for an individual to seek from their spouse or child the love and nurturing
they did not get from a parent.
However, it's normal for those primary emotions surrounding the past to come up in relationships
in the present.
I go over in detail how a lack of love and trustworthiness affects our behavior and personality
at an individual level and how to get better in my Therapy video.
There are two patterns found in relationships: complimentary and symmetrical.
In complimentary relationships, the patterns of the partners tend to be at opposite extremes.
If one partner is dominant, the other may be submissive.
If one is assertive, assertive, the other may be avoidant.
Behavior in the relationships remains fairly stable because both partners in the relationship
are doing and feeling something different than the other.
In symmetrical relationships the patterns of the partners tend to be of the same nature.
If one is blaming, the other is blaming.
If one is controlling, the other is controlling too.
Intensity and feelings escalate because both partners are doing more of the same behavior.
Complimentary relationships can work well if the focus is constructive, appropriate,
loving and trustworthy.
For example, a parent feels loved, fulfilled and optimistic, therefore parents their child
in an authoritative, instructive and involved manner.
In turn, the child feels loved, competent and not alone, is submissive to the direction
of the parent, cooperative in instruction and intimate and open.
Likewise symmetrical relationships can work well and be positive if the focus of the intensity
and escalation are in a loving and trustworthy direction.
For example, lovers interested in demonstrating love to one another, in spending more quality
time with one another.
They might reciprocate with increasing number of gifts, conversations and activities that
continue to reinforce that care and nurturing in the relationship.
In both patterns if there is a question of safety and identity, it can make the partners
agitated and frustrated and the relationship itself can reinforce unloving and untrustworthy
feelings present in each partner's past.
How an individual reacts from relationship to relationship and setting to setting is
fairly constant.
I'm going to go over some of the destructive patterns that develop in relationships, but
if you want to know more about everything I'm talking about I highly recommend
"Restoration Therapy" and "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People."
As always I link below the video everything I recommend and additional information.
One of the destructive patterns that can develop in relationships is the Pursuer/Distancer Pattern
where partners in a relationship have distinct and differing needs with the Pursuer
desiring a more close, emotionally enmeshing relationship, while the Distancer values autonomy
and individuality more.
The Pursuer may have a difficult time holding on to a consistent sense of self without having
someone to reassure them of love and affection.
They feel alone and unwanted and act needy or try to manipulate the partner toward more intimacy
The Distancer feels unsafe as a result of the neediness and manipulation feeling that
the Pursuer will never be happy with his or her efforts or actions, and feeling hopeless
to meet the Pursuer's needs.
They will cope by using Escape/Chaos behaviors and avoid that partner.
Next another destructive pattern is the Overfunctioner/Underfunctioner Pattern.
In this pattern partners are feeling threatened by, in terms of safety and trustworthiness,
and they react towards two extremes of Control Behaviors, the Overfunctioner, and Escape/Chaos
behaviors, the Underfunctioner.
For example, the Overfunctioner feels betrayed or used, and they act in a critical and judgmental way.
The Underfunctioner feels disconnected and guilty and shames themselves, using Escape/Chaos
behaviors and withdraws to avoid those feelings.
Another destructive pattern is the Blamer/Placater pattern.
In this pattern partners are usually feeling pressure or pain in terms of dentity and feeling unloved
The Blamer blames because they feel alone, insignificant and unappreciated.
The Placater copes by shaming themselves as they feel worthless, defective and hopeless.
The Blamer is angry, arrogant and aggressive, the Placater anxious, needy, and depressed.
As this pattern develops it almost always comes to be at least emotionally abusive of
the Placater and usually develops into physical and sexual violence.
Marriage can be the most intimate, satisfying and enduring of human relationships so it
may seem natural and even proper to be centered on your spouse, or significant other.
But when Stephen Covey worked with troubled marriages, he observed than in almost every
spouse-centered relationships there was a strong thread of emotional dependence.
When our sense of worth comes primarily from our marriage and not ourselves we become highly
dependant on the moods, behaviors, and treatment of our spouse or partner in a relationship
and to any external event that may impinge on that relationship: a new child, economic
setbacks, in-laws, social successes and so forth.
When responsibilities and stressors come into the marriage, the spouse centered relationship
reveals all it's vulnerability.
Some people seek therapy to change that spouse or person in a relationship because they need
someone to be or behave differently in order to feel okay about themselves and feel safe in the relationship.
This strategy leads nowhere, because when it comes to relationships deteriorating it's
never just one person's fault and the person seeking to change that someone else without
seeing themselves as an object of change is missing the big picture.
Sometimes it's true that the other person needs to change.
Most of these relationships are with violent, victimizing or highly irresponsible people,
but the truth remains that change must be focused on ourselves, because it's not possible
to change someone else.
We can only change ourselves.
To do this requires and incredible amount of proactivity.
To be proactive is Stephen Covey's first habit in his "7 Habit of Highly Effective People."
I go over all habits in my 7 Habits video.
But the 7 habits are a principle centered, character based inside out approach.
Meaning that in order to grow and change you have to look at the most inside part of yourself first.
If you want to have a happy, loving and successful relationship then be the kind of person that
generates positive energy and sidesteps negative energy rather than empowering it.
If you want a more pleasant and cooperative teenager then be a more understanding, empathetic,
consistent and loving parent.
If you want more freedom and latitude in your job, then be a more helpful, contributing,
and responsible employee.
If you want to be trusted, then be trustworthy.
If you want the secondary greatness of recognized talent then focus first on the primary greatness
of character.
If we use what Stephen Covey called The Personality Ethic, superficial influence strategies and
techniques to get other people to do what we want, to work better, to be more motivated,
to like us more, while our character remains fundamentally flawed, marked with duplicity
and insincerity then in the long run we can't be successful with others or at life.
In an artificial social system like a school you may be able to get by if you learn to
manipulate the man-made rules and how to play the game.
In most one-shot, short-lived human interactions, you can use the personality ethic to make
a favorable impression by using charm, skill and pretending to like other people's hobbies.
Many people with secondary greatness, that is social recognition for their talents, lack
primary greatness and goodness in their character.
Sooner or later you'll see this in every long-term relationship they have whether it's
with a spouse, a work associate, a friend or a teenager going through an identity crisis.
When it comes to relationships there are no shortcuts.
There is no way to parachute into this terrain.
The landscape ahead is covered with the fragments of broken relationships of people who have
tried to jump into effective relationships without the maturity or strength of character
to maintain them.
You have to walk the road.
You can't be successful with others if you haven't paid the price of success with yourself.
So what happens if there is a problem in our intimate relationships?
When a couple falls in love, they come together and many marry because they're intoxicated
with that initial euphoria of love, but within a matter of months or years
they can't stand each other.
Many are absolutely convinced the other partner is their enemy.
How did this couple who were once so in love lose one another to become distant and emotionally
disillusioned?
Many couples lose themselves because of their differences in relationship focus.
Many people come into relationships expecting the other partner to give them emotional fulfillment
and happiness.
What they often find is someone who triggers them emotionally and creates many questions
around safety and identity.
Instead of safe they feel insecure.
Instead of loved they feel unloved, unwanted and alone.
Many people who go into relationships looking for this type of emotional fulfillment and
happiness are actually missing the point of what relationships do in general.
Relationships, especially deep mating, family relationships, force us toward growth to deal
with the deepest parts of ourselves in terms of learning who we are and how to be more
capable and powerful in a world that is not always safe.
As much as we would like it to be so, a partner is not built to give us our identity or to
protect us in an unsafe world.
There was but, There is but one time in our lives when that is programmed into us and
is in the vertical relationship between caregiver and child.
What we have in a horizontal relationship of coupling is the opportunity to walk together,
to share, to struggle and to grow.
As individuals we must be responsible for our own sense of self and our own power or
we cannot couple.
Relationships are not meant to make us happy, they're meant to make us grow.
Partnering through marriage is not just two people who commit to sharing life together
and standing by one another.
They actually create something new because of their relationship.
Hargrave and Pfitzer call it the "Us-ness."
The wonderful quality of this "Us-ness" is that it's neither you nor me.
The relationship contains both individuals and is more than the sum of their individual parts
Even though the relationship is invisible, it does have visible parts that are identifiable
and, that are dynamic and visible.
Us-ness has it's own personality, likes and dislikes.
For example, my wife likes hiking.
I don't particularly.
However, our Us-ness likes hiking.
I don't mean that because my wife likes hiking, I submit to her wishes and go hiking.
I mean that when we go hiking together, the experience of being in nature, of challenging
ourselves physically, and of, of spending quality time with one another is part of who
we are.
Our Us-ness likes hiking, although I would never choose to do it on my own.
In the same way that children are similar to their parents, us-ness is similar to the
partners, but it's representative of it's own identity.
Parents take care of themselves individually, but usually put the best interests of the
child first.
Taking care of a couple relationship is much like taking care of a child.
It doesn't mean that the individuals are inattentive to their own needs, but they recognize
that they also have a responsibility toward the care and nurturing of the relationship.
Just as parents grow as they learn how to raise a child, partners inevitably grow as
they give love and trustworthiness to their us-ness.
If partners learn how to manage the heart of their own conflicts, they will be in a much better position
to look out for the best interests of their us-ness and achieve closeness and intimacy.
In the Restoration Therapy model, Hargrave and Pfitzer have developed 4 phases of healing
that excel in helping couples manage their conflict successfully and arrive at intimacy.
The first phase is Understanding the Pain Cycle.
We must understand the emotional components that drive instability in a relationship.
A couple doesn't have, 10, 20, or 30 disagreements even though they may fight about various things
like parenting, financing or friends.
A couple doesn't have 20 fights in one month, they have one fight 20 different times.
In the Restoration Therapy book, Hargrave and Pfitzer go in the depth into the 4 phases
of healing.
In the first phase of Identifying The Pain Cycle as you learn to identify your own issues,
individual issues surrounding identity and safety, you begin to identify yours and your
partner's coping mechanisms and reactivity.
For example, if we have a couple where the husband feels unloved and shames himself.
The wife feels unsafe and fearful and begins controlling.
Then the husband feels alone and acts invulnerable.
Then the wife feels out of control and begins to act in a perfectionistic manner.
Then then husband feels like he can't measure up and withdraws to defend.
Then the wife acts, the wife feels vulnerable and begins to act in a nagging and judgmental way.
And the destructive cycle repeats itself.
Once you figure out what your particular, what the particular pain cycle in your relationship
is, the second phase of healing is the Peace Cycle, is Understanding the Peace Cycle, Identifying
the Peace Cycle.
In this cycle we identify primary emotions and behaviors that are anchored in love and
trustworthiness like nurturing, self-valuing, balanced give and take, and reliable connecting.
The more we replace the negative behaviors and emotions with positive ones, the more
the individuals feel loved and that the relationship is trustworthy.
The third phase of healing is Moving to Transition.
Even if you identify the pain cycle and the peace cycle, transitioning is a significant
challenge.
It requires constant repetition and rewiring and working to rewire the neural pathways
in the brain.
I go over how to do this in my Therapy video, but the 4 steps to rewire the brain are to
Say What You Feel, Say What You Would Normally Do, Say The Truth, and Make a Different Behavioral
Choice.
The fourth and final phase of healing is Creating Intimacy.
As partners become proficient in transitioning from the Pain Cycle to the Peace Cycle and
they make the, they take the fourth step of rewiring the brain, of making a different
behavioral choice, it creates the opportunity for intimacy and bonding.
When the couple is emotionally regulated, the individuals are now free to explore new
options to create intimacy and to build positive pathways in the brain.
This doesn't mean that we won't revert back to the Pain Cycle.
In fact, we will many times as we are working to build a more loving, just and balanced relationship.
I have gone through these cycles many times in my own relationship, and still do from time
to time.
But the key is that now we have these skills and awareness to transition from the Pain
Cycle to the Peace Cycle, and every time we do, we do it together as a couple, and we
grow and we develop intimacy.
I have also gone through that initial euphoria and obsession of being in love.
It's exciting, intoxicating and fun.
But when that initial euphoria settled, I was still deeply in love, more so at every
turn because I made a commitment to a beautiful person I see as my soulmate.
And in the first few years of our relationship as we were getting to know each other, sometimes
it was rough, but we always figured it out.
And for the last two years we've had these tools to help our marriage, and every time
we dig deep into ourselves, our relationship blossoms and flourishes.
If during those early years, our marriage was a diamond in the rough, today it's a
shiny, polished diamond.
Nothing can scratch it, nothing can break it, except itself.
Whether the diamond of your relationship breaks or endures, is up to you.
A ring is the embodiment of a promise.
A commitment of the heart to love another human being.
In the immortal words of Stephen Covey, love is a verb.
Love doesn't just happen because you walk down the aisle or wait at the altar.
Love happens because you make it happen.
To be able to give you need to believe that you are worthy to love and to be loved.
Love means having the humility to know you can always get better, to know you can improve
your relationship by improving yourself.
There are so many books out there catering to The Personality Ethic.
In researching to make this video, I read one such book, catchy title, catchy concept,
bestseller.
I was so frustrated because it was so on the surface.
The kind of book that gathers dust on the shelves after the initial excitement of following
it's catchy concept.
If we want to have happy, loving, and successful relationships we can't live on the surface,
we have to dig deep within ourselves.
Thin books with big letters and catchy concepts don't always dig deep, even if they mean
well and are sometimes helpful after we've done the real work.
I can only recommend books where at the time of reading them I sense a deep level of integrity
from the author to the subject matter they're addressing, and when the knowledge changes
my life and continues to change it.
The bond we can have with another human being, whether it's the committed and loving relationship
with a spouse or significant other, or the timeless relationship between family and friends:
these are the most precious diamonds to be treasured.
In order for these to be the brightest, the most polished, the highest quality diamonds,
we ourselves have to shine.
When we have a truly loving and effective relationship what we're doing is sharing
our souls with another human being, and that allows to grow more than anything else.
Because loving means looking within ourselves, working to get that polish.
It takes and incredible amount of courage, but it's so worth it.
If you enjoyed this video, please like it an share it.
And consider subscribing so you can get the latest Happy Now Olivia! video.
In addition I'd love to hear in the comments below how working on yourself has affected
your relationships.
Remember, happiness is an active choice.
You don't have to wait.
You, too, can be Happy Now!
Thanks for watching.
See you next time.
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