Hey hey, my friend! Welcome to Parenting A to Z! I'm Kelly Bourne, and this week
we're taking a deep dive into negativity. How to deal when -- I'm getting
antsy even thinking about it -- when our kids are negative. When
they're constantly complaining, when nothing is good enough. It can be a real drag.
So we're gonna take a look at why they're doing it, first off,
and then how we can deal and how we can set them up
for success moving forward. So they can be a little bit happier -- where all of us
can be a little bit happier, not dealing with so much negativity. So join
me, it's coming right up!
So what is the big deal? What's the big deal with
negativity? Well it is hard to be around. It is hard to be around! When our kids
are complaining, or they're pointing out faults, or they're constantly comparing
or they're constantly saying how Sally has this and Johnny has that and how
come we don't have this and nothing is ever good enough... It can be a
drag! And it can be -- it's hard even saying that, but sometimes it's hard to be
around our kids when they're like that. So it's definitely something that we can
get a handle on today. And the first thing I really want to look at is why
our kids are doing that, why our kids are being negative. And the truth is,
as with a lot of behaviour, they can do it for a lot of the same reasons that we
can do it. One of the big ones, I know at least for me, is I can kind of get in
the dumps if I'm around someone who is like super crazy optimistic or always
positive. If you're not jiving with that, it can make you want
to go the other way. And then, for our kids, if they have a sibling
that's overly positive or overly happy or overly optimistic, they could be using
their negativity and their complaining and their grumbling as a way to
find their place in the family. It's like, "Oh, she's already got the optimism, happy
kid on lock, so I'm not gonna try and fight her for that cuz she's already doing a
fantastic job getting mom's attention being really happy all the time. So
you know what? Maybe I'll get a little bit of attention over here for being
negative. Maybe that'll be my thing..." And I know it maybe sounds a little bit crazy,
but if you think about it, really for someone who's trying to find their place,
why crowd out what's already been taken?
And you can see this a lot in families where there's one "good
child" and then there's another "bad child." And
how the "good child" can be very good at being good, and the "bad child" can be very
good at being bad. Because that's how they they find their sense of belonging
and significance in the family. And another thing too, that goes along with
that, is if if our kids feel like another sibling is being favoured... Oh that sucks.
That sucks! And it's hard and I know we don't mean to do it, it's not intentional,
but that can be one of the underlying reasons our kids can start getting on
that complaining train, that negativity train, feeling in the dumps -- because they
are feeling in the dumps! They are feeling like another sibling is favoured.
So those are just a few things to keep in mind, if you're overly optimistic
or you're overly happy and you're constantly, this sounds kind of weird
even saying it, but like throwing happiness and optimism in everyone's
faces. Not everybody likes that, right?! All of our personalities are different. Same
thing, if you have one really optimistic child, that could be a reason for the
other child to be jumping on on the negativity bus. And I know I'm using a
lot of transportation metaphors today. I don't know what's up with that?! So how
can we deal? What can we do when we find ourselves faced with
constant negativity? And this is hard. This is really hard, but the first thing
is just accept them where they're at. I know, especially if you're a really
positive, really happy, really optimistic person, you can
just want to pull them up out of it. It's like, okay they're down there,
they're sad, I don't know what's going on, I want to fix it... Try to accept them where
they're at. Because our constantly trying to change or "fix" or correct how they are
feeling, it just drives home for them that we don't really get
it. We don't get them where they're at. We don't understand them where they're at. So by
listening and validating their feelings and accepting them where they are, even
if we don't agree with it or even if we wish they were happier or
more optimistic, that is always step numero uno. And as you can tell, I do not
speak Spanish... ;) But I think you get the idea. And another thing you can do, is try
to use humour. So this will totally be case dependent, depending on your
kids and if they do have a funny bone and if they relate to humour, but
something to avoid is -- I am so guilty of this, you guys! "Oh wasn't that fun?!" or
"Didn't you love that?!" or oh "This is so amazing!" Try to keep that -- I know it can
be hard, if that's how you're really feeling, but try and keep that at a
low simmer, rather than a boil. Because that can be something else driving them
to negativity. So what you can do instead, is to try to find their funny
bone. Like, "On a scale of one to ten, how bad was your day today, bud?"
And again, this is not for everyone. You have to kind of judge your
relationship with your kid and if they will think that's funny or if they will
think that that you're teasing them. So just use it sparingly. But for
some kids it's really really effective. And if you're thinking, okay, yeah,
nope. No way. Not a chance. My kid is gonna take that
as teasing. Try to listen. Try to listen as best as you can. It can be hard to
hear a lot of that negativity or a lot of that that complaining, but try to
listen. And then when they're done, instead of jumping in to fix --
I know these are all the things we can tend to do, right?! -- is just say "Can you
tell me more about that?" or "What's really bothering you?"
"What else is bothering you?" Try to go deeper and deeper and deeper,
to see if there is anything there that's really bothering
them. If they are being teased or if they do wish that somebody would just
give it a rest. By really listening. And then instead of jumping in
to fix, saying "Can you tell me more about that?" or "What else?" What else is like
the magic question. "What else is really bugging you about that?" So that's another
way to approach the conversation, too, just to kind of keep under your hat. And
this one, this next one goes along with both of them -- with humour and with
listening -- is we really need to be, see this is the hard thing about parenting,
because what works for one parent and child will not work for the other. So one
thing that I think is pretty universal though, is try to avoid teasing. And I
know, we can have good intentions if we're teasing, if we're calling
our kids like "Oh, here comes Grumplestiltskin" or "Here comes Mr. Grumpy McGrump
Pants" That can really hurt our kids. Our kids don't always get our humor. And
while we can have the intention of using humor or being funny,
it can be really hurtful for them to think that you don't understand
them, and now on top of it you're calling them names. So try not to tease in the
form of calling them a Grumplestiltskin or calling them a Grumpy McGrump Pants
because it can it can do a lot more harm than good. And again, I know hello!
We all have good intentions, but it's just kind of thinking about things
from your kid's perspective. And even thinking of times when maybe you were a
kid and somebody called you something, thinking it was a joke, and you didn't
think it was funny at all. So just try to keep that in mind as well. And
then, this last one really quick, is more for the older kids who are more
self-aware and a little bit more mature. If there's some situation where
they're constantly negative, or it's constantly a drag, or they're constantly
complaining, is to start having conversations with them about what their
part in that could be. Not in a blaming or a finger-pointing kind of way, more in
the way of "What about that situation would make it more fun for you?"
or "What about that would make you have a better time?" or "What about that
would have to change for you to enjoy that more?" For them to think about their
part in it and get them to see that they really can change things just by
making their own decisions. By deciding they're not gonna spend so
much time on Snapchat, or you know what? Maybe soccer really isn't for me. Or you
know what? I actually don't want to go to that sleepover at Sally's again because
it's not fun for me. Getting them to see that their choices matter, and that they
have control, and that if something's bugging them and is a drag for them, they
can decide to make another choice. So I'll leave you to it! I know it can be so
tricky, especially if you're generally a positive, optimistic person, trying to
relate with a child who's complaining or always seeing the bad side of things. It
can be hard. So let me know how it goes! If you're looking for more in-depth
parenting resources and support, don't forget to check us out over in the
Parent 'Hood, we got tons of downloads and worksheets and exclusive videos. I also
hold regular office hours. We'd love to to have you, so come check us
out! I'll see you next vid!
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