What up homes? Today we're getting right
into the Book of Matthew, All of Chapter
3. And in those days John the Baptist
came preaching pretty persuasively in
the total shet-hole of Judaea, Saying, What
up y'all?
John da Baptist in the house yo. And I
say Let yo hearts be turned from sin
mutha-fwuckers; for the kingdom of heaven
is near. Ya dig? For this is he of
whom Isaiah the prophet said, The voice
of one crying in the waste land, Make
ready the way of the Lord, make his roads
oh so straight. Now John was clothed in
camel's hair,
MC Hammer pants and a rad fanny pack,
with a leather band about him; and his
food was locusts and honey.
Next thing you know Jerusalem and all
Judaea came to see him giving much praise
on his outfit, and all the people from
near Jordan too; And they were given
baptism by him in the river Jordan,
saying openly that they had done wrong.
John was fwucking astonished at how
freaky some of these confessions were.
Like we're talking bestiality and other
weird shet in some cases. But when he saw
a number of the Pharisees and
Sadducees coming to his baptism, he got
super pissed off and said to them,
Children of lowly pitiful butt snakes, at
whose word are you going in flight from
the epic wrath to come? Let your change of
heart be seen in your works. Perhaps a
good deed or 2: And say not to
yourselves, - Huge Mega Cock - We have
Abraham for our father; because God won't
give a fwuck and is able from these very
stones to make new even better children
for Abraham. And even now, the chainsaw is
put to the root of the trees; every tree
then which does not give juicy good
fruity fruit is cut down, and burnt to
shet in the fire,
if you catch my drift suckas. Truly, I
give baptism with water to those of you
whose hearts are changed; but the buddy
that comes after me is way way greater
than I, whose dusty old shoes I am not
good enough to take up: he will give you
baptism with the Holy Spirit and with
fire:
He holds the instrument with which he
will make clean his grain; he will put the
good grain in his store, but the waste
will be fwucking incinerated in the fire
which will never be put out, otherwise
known as hell.
So Then Jesus finally came from Galilee
to John at the river, to be given baptism
by him. There was awkward silence between
them for several moments and then Jesus
said, "Nice fanny pack man". John didn't
want to baptize him, saying, "Come on bro.
You're the son of fwucking God.
You hardly need baptizing. It is I who
have need of baptism from you,
what d'ya say homeboy"? But Jesus made
answer, saying to him, "Just fwucking
baptize me dude:
because so it is right for us to
make righteousness complete". Then John
caved like a little bitch and gave him
baptism. And Jesus, having been given
baptism, straight away went up from
the water, nipples visible through his robe;
and, the heavens opening, he saw the
Spirit of God ever so gently floating
down on him as a dove; And a voice came
out of heaven, saying, "Yo, this is
God. And he is my tenderly loved son, with
whom I am very well pleased.
Yes indeedily do"! Well well well, things
are starting to get interesting now, huh?
Fwucking Thanks for tuning in to today's
reading pal. And remember, if you want to
be part of this legendary amazingness,
just give a little love tap to that
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