Our next subjects is rapport in your notes anywhere you want there's no place
for just right rapport is power rapport is power earlier today we said anything
you want to achieve anything you want to learn master experience there's somebody
out there who has a life experience the understanding the network a capital the
thing you need to be able to achieve it but they're not going to give you what
they want or there are give you what you want rather a need until you first give
them what they want need and you're not going to find out what they want need
until you first get in a relationship of rapport if you don't do that you're
never to learn anything rapport is power what is a relationship of rapport
rapport means total responsiveness between people when someone is totally
responding to you and you're totally responding that your and rapport
there's that connection if that spark that happens in certain communications
or relationships now everybody wants to create rapport have it but most people
only get rapport with people who are like whom themselves or they lose with
everybody else which means you've got a very limited world so we want to take it
to a different level so let's say for example if I said to you right now guys
I want you to go out to a local restaurant a bar and I want you to meet
somebody and I want you to develop rapport with
them I connects with them how many feel like you do that no problem say I and if
you're not raising a hand you're probably selling yourself short of
course you could how would you do it though you walk in this restaurant a bar
you meet somebody and you engage them in conversation by asking a few what
questions now is it possible to ask a few questions and have a conversation go
boom just die is that possible yes or no so questions don't create rapport
questions are a tool used to dig for something what are you digging for we
ask these questions you're trying to find something in what that's right so
write your notes rapport is created by a feeling of commonality before is created
by a feeling of commonality for is created by salient commonality we people
we feel like we have something in common with someone there's a spark now here's
the problem if rapport is created by affinity of commonality most people try
to get rapport by using words but you've already learned something what
percentage of our communication skills are words what percentage seven percent
which means you're leaving at 93 percent of your skills which is why most people
don't get rapport with a large number people yeah what are you talking the
restaurant embargo hi what's your name where are you from why are you here and
first one says my name is Abbey I'm from Iraq I'm a terrorist I'm here to kill
people and you go amazing me too
now see words don't always work do they but there is something that always works
to get rapport and that's something called matching and mirroring matching
and mirroring now mastercam mirroring came about 35 years ago when it's we've
all done matching marrying our whole lives but the person who pointed out was
Milton Erickson dr. Erickson was a genius what he did was he was a medical
doctor but he also was a psychologist and a hypnotherapist probably the best
that ever lived but people will come to see him who try to change everything
anywhere else in their life nothing at work they see him for one session he
handle it and the reason is because he understood something he understood that
you have both the conscious mind and a subconscious mind and he knew the
subconscious is more powerful it's a part that makes your heart beat a
hundred thousand times a day without even think about so he knew if he could
influence your subconscious mind he could change anything and that's what he
did but here's how he did it he had polio so he was in a wheelchair so he
spent an enormous amount of time studying people and he began to notice
something about human beings that when human beings got together if they got in
rapport a relationship of responsiveness they became like each other in a variety
of ways what he called they mirrored each other
now I've taught this for 25 years I'm sure you've heard of it I've written in
my books and it's been taught in a variety of it areas now but it's one
thing to know it intellectually understand it's another thing to know it
what you're doing it that's what I want to get you do tonight so you have a real
experience of it that you won't forget but here's the basis of it people like
people who are like whom themselves and people don't like people who are not
like themselves to be more specific right this now people like people who
are like themselves or who are like how they would like to be people like people
who are like themselves or are how they would like to be people like people are
like themselves or how they would like to be so questions I'd like you to think
of someone you really really like a lot and then if you would raise your hands
this person is either like you or they're like how you want to be if
that's true rich and say I of course that's why I like them now think of
someone you don't like I'm sure you like everyone but if you once were a nun
spiritual person and filthy feelings some of you don't like raising it up
they're not like you or they're not like how you want to be if that's true raise
your hand say I and that's the opposite people don't like people who are not
like them or are not like how they want to be that's the bottom line of it so
this concept Erikson noticed he used it in the following way watch me if you
came to see dr. Erikson instead of talking to you intellectually and trying
to get through to you he'd go right to the jugular by getting your nervous
system connected to him getting rapport so if you came to him and you said dr.
Erickson them I don't know this is a waste of time I've tried everything and
I don't know I think I should just go he would do this he'd go I'm sure it looks
that way on the surface but you haven't tried this so you haven't tried
everything and I think you should stay the person go oh something about this
guy I like you know he's not over-the-top you know
I mean he's like really real there's just somebody in the field down home and
real to me right if you came to see mr. dr. Erickson I've tried it there's a
waste of my time I'm out of here he'd say you sit out you haven't tried
everything you've not done this before you're staying right here
okay goes hey I'm like this guy's got some spunk kick ass maybe he could do
something see he became like the pee blues communicating with and what it was
is whatever they put out he sent the same message back like biofeedback
and didn't train them to him so that when he didn't told their unconscious
what to do their brain just did it that was his power now we all do this
naturally to want us some fun gone tonight or a singles bar and watch
people when they first meet and then you can see when the before happens if they
finally sit down and they'll start to lean in the same direction start nodding
your head at the same tempo if one's tapping their foot often you'll see
other one tap their foot the volume and tone of their voice will start to mirror
if they're on the pour into outer border you'll see them interact opposites of
this nature now if you want to be effective then mirroring is so easy we
do it naturally but here's the problem most people wait till they have enough
words in common then they put the voice in common in the body in common but
where's only 7% it will work all the time and by the way do we judge people
in a matter of seconds by their style yes or no that's right
right this your note style is more important in substance initially style
is more important in substance initially that sounds terrible but it's true style
is more important than substance initially I notice I say initially if
you don't have any substance it's not going to last but you have lots of
substance and no style and people never hear a word you say no one will ever
going to know what you believe I give an example how many of them are dealt with
somebody whose tone of voice alone drove you up a wall and you couldn't listen to
anything they said they like Dennis trill tonality everything rhythm so I
could say I okay so that style gets in the way of substance now let's give an
example let's say you and I want to mirror something we want to put
something to feel connected to us and we're going to do it on the phone
what are some aspects of the voice that you could mirror that would make them
unconsciously immediately feel connected to you what does the mask that you tell
me okay tone of voice wisely just said as a perfect one because if you're
talking like this and they're talking like this and I say well I don't know
what do you think you're not going to feel very comfortable through time total
voice is HUGE if you mirror someone for the voice they will feel connected to
you not even know why what else besides tone of voice could you mirror on the
phone okay tempo what kind of person talks
with this put of complaints like I'm talking right now what kind of people
talk at this particular place well in front of the country to talk at this
pace I'm aware where one pilot country where and their equities or one New York
could be a good example how do people talk more like this feel
about those fast talking city slickers do they trust them no they don't know
how to say the word dog you house fast walking person feel about slow talking
person running Mary Mary we think Mary waiting there today
there he goes well well watch nobody's ever seen this mismatch between two
people right what else besides speed volume loud talking people who do they
like they love loud talking people they know you're a real man you're a real
woman to two off lights loud talking people deaf people like loud talking
people but how to quiet talking people feel about those loud talking people
they're obnoxious aren't they and of course intelligent people talk
like you and I do don't they do we judge people in a matter of seconds by their
volume by by their tone by their tempo yes or no
you better believe we do what else could you mirror on the phone terminology key
words there's certain words people use again and again if you sell real estate
and somebody comes in and says I'm looking for a magnificent home do you
want to say oh I have a fantastic place to show you know I have this experience
myself once and somebody says no no I got a fantastic place fantastic and
magnificent maybe the same to you but I guarantee they aren't for the other
person if you mirror their words they will feel her they will feel understood
and they will also feel you're a smarter thing what else besides words tone tempo
volume accent well only if you really have that accent if you trying to
duplicate it it's not really your accent you're going to break reform right what
about the body what could you mirror in the body if you
were there in person welcome to miracle posture is very powerful really upright
your upright they're more relaxed you're more than that what else gestures watch
this if somebody's talking evil are funny when they're making important
points people have idiosyncratic gestures idiosyncratic mean gestures
that are all their own so if you're talking to Scott he says I don't think
so I think we ought to do this and he makes this funny little gesture when
he's talking about what he really wants to do if you turn back to him and say
you know that's a great idea can I ask you a question though what if we do this
instead you make that same emotion with your hand and looking to be like a
friend you think I'm kidding you go out tonight
at dinner and you find somebody who's on an angle to you or in front of you don't
even look at them just mirror them for five to ten minutes they reach from the
glass each big last glass is empty no one's going to notice just reach for the
glass they bring it up they bring it down bring it down
they reach this work reaches before five to ten minutes five minutes usually ten
minutes max after you notice five ten minutes we'll have some fun leads for
your glass and watch what they do they'll reach for it like that it's
called pacing and leading it's also known as in train
it many of you know that if you go to an old clock shop where they have those old
grandfather clocks so they have the little pendulum that once they whine and
those pendulums start out different and they all end up in sync called
entrainment women know this but most men don't
so I'll just share this with you women have the ability to like clocks with
other women when women hang out together men they literally end up having their
periods at the same time so that all the men are crazy during that time it's a
true ladies yes or no if they are poor their periods become insane so women's
periods can come in sync you could get rapport with a stranger across the room
and all you going to do is mirror them for five or ten minutes and make a
change right it'll make it happen all right how many home so what else besides
posture could you mirror in the body what else gestures we already said what
else facial expression most of us if someone's telling you a story and
they're like really into their story and they're making these faces do you sit
and look at them like this no you look back to make the same stupid
look back later what about eye contact a lot of business people and sales people
on top a total lie they've been taught like if you're really truly going to
influence someone you must look directly into their eyes and not break eye
contact for 45 straight minutes this way they know you really mean it there's
only one problem with that problem is people like people who are like whom
themselves so if you got somebody just stares in your eyes and doesn't blink
for 45 straight but it's going to freak you out what kind of person steers your
eyes and doesn't break eye contact aliens that's who most humans look away
right so if they look away give them a break and look away don't make them
crazy now if you meet somebody who like locks eyes with you and doesn't break
eye contact you lock eyes right back you keep them on for 45 minutes don't know
you're an alien - it'll build rapport what else what else besides eye contact
facial expressions gestures posture come on what else breathing breathing is very
powerful one of the most powerful if you breathe that the exact same taste as
another player soon you will feel what they are feeling
period but you got doing for the same location the same tempo and breathing as
magnificent because it really hooks you to this person how many of you can think
of a time in your life when you were breathing at the same pace as another
person and you felt really close for some reason
anybody think of a time like that see I used to do a lot of sexual therapy for
couples and when you help people in this area you get to practice because people
pay anything they'll fly anywhere to get this part of their life handled so I end
up with a six-month waiting list no exaggeration I mean every single day
booked and people if you calling me based on referrals because I helped
their friend let me be like I gotta see it got to go see you now and I'm like I
got a six-month waiting for your lunch time I'll buy your dinner
look I really how about I refer you to somebody I've trained it wants to be
much I know it's gotta be you so here's how I would deal with it I would say
okay I will give you one of my lunches if you take an assignment I give me but
first you got to answer some questions honestly here's the first question when
you make love do you breathe in unison while you're making well and apparently
the guy will go ahead can I say let me explain you're here telling me about all
these things you're upset with each other about and you talk about these
things too you're blue in the face but the real problem is you don't feel
connected you don't feel well and I said you don't have that feeling of total
oneness with each other and delicate more about this not going to change it
so if you really want to change this I suggest you do this and if you do what
I'm telling you still need me I'll give you one of my lunches sighs I want yours
I want to do I want to go home and I want you to make up for an hour and a
half minimum and while you're doing it I want you to breathe in unison the entire
time with each other because what happens is you feel totally connected as
one out of who knows three four dozen people I asked to do that only one
person ever called us back and wanted to be able to do session but the bond is
there so try it not now later this evening plus the great thing about
mirroring somebody's breathing it's very subtle no one's going to jump on their
chair and say would you stop burying my breathing and they're not going to
notice so you got breathing you got posture you got gestures you got facial
sessions you got eye contact what else could you mirror come on use your brain
the answer I want to see if you come up with it come on what else could you
mirror proximity good what does proximity mean proximity means
everybody has a certain amount of space that they need to be comfortable it's
different for every single person you're going to meet in your life
so if I come walking up here like this and I start walking let's say along here
and I walk up to this lady here she's comfortable right now
can I come here I'm right on the edge of her comfort zone
come on right she you can see it in her face how do I know because the muscles
are neck when ain't face my aunt and all tightness you stop breathing that's a
clue now that doesn't mean she doesn't want you to come closer but that's the
first moment of her starting to feel impact and I come right back to here
there we go now she's breathing again how many could see the difference you
see it you see all of a sudden here but she's reading it so this is more comfort
once little bits here versus here how many have somebody do this where
they get this close to your face and you just want to punch them how many others
experience and they almost always have bad breath do don't they so when
somebody and are there people like that to get this smokes in your face yes or
no now if you pull back though you just broke rapport because that's what they
need to feel good so you got to like hang in there with those people so it's
different for every person that you need so how do you know you just guess no you
use your sensory what acuity you have acute sensitivity see what's the impact
on getting here's it's working oh I can come closer or not where is it and it
can change Jules I'm going have initial reaction and they let you closer but you
pay attention because it you don't do this breaking rapport in this area
people don't even think when you're in their space and everybody's got
different space who here freaks out when somebody gets too close there's some
people I'm sure in this room that are total freak outs about this you ma'am in
the black what's your name please don't want to come down come on
give her hand come on give her hand
Lisa come on down here come on down and run down here Lisa run down here run
down here run down yet oh it's your face oh there we go
it's the face see she's one of body-block me did you know that you can
boom we can hit bodies that's okay but the face watch what happens if you get
in the face are you enjoying the seminar let's spend your favorite part not this
far where you going now
notice once you get too close to her face did you see that how many saw that
instant reaction okay she Nellie pulls back she snaps to the side because some
people most people have like a force field who have this experience hers is
more just the face and you got close closer to her chest or something like
that they they'll do one of things so this kind of person backs off but most
people are more settled you get too close here's what they do they start
coming you'll see them as they're talking to you they're kind of wavering
back and forth and you notice their ass is moving them further and further back
from you right or they'll do this they'll turn sideways because what does
that do creates a sense of space okay so everyone's different now hers
hers is not the body and she's kind of being playful now here with this as well
but the face normally is something for her that's in effect now she's going
different she says okay I'm comfortable with you give him thank you very much
now there's another one that's critically important that's touch now
you can get more rapport by touching some people to buy anything you could
ever say but again you can have some sensory acuity you can't go up though he
looks like a touch of a man I love your hair love your hair really good that's
really cool really good you do that you could get killed but he's a nice man so
didn't kill me so we got to notice there's no sign of man shake hands
like he shake hands he puts one hand top together Genesis he reached over he just
shook his hand immediately bring the other hand on top like this and when he
does it some people to shake your hand they like squeeze it see if they can
break a few of your blood vessels you know just to show they're a real man
other people they got that fish handshake and a
but if they this year you got to fish them back yeah here we go
fish fish right because that builds rapport but in his case it's like boom
boom right you get more connection rapport with him with that plats than
anything you could ever say thank you so notice how does a person touch somebody
like even if some business notice how the business woman or man touches their
assistant in a non-sexual way and this notice if they come along and he comes
hi honey goes thanks a lot Tony hits me like this three times on the shoulder I
come back and I say thank you John I'll get more important by that touch to
buy anything that I could say to him so touch and proximity are huge huge now
you might say well this is interesting Tony but what are you suggesting are you
saying something like okay they sit down I sit down look to mirror everything
someone does that report it's not like they lift their leg you lift your leg
they lean forward you leave or they sit back they you sit back you don't to do
that although believe it on it you can do a lot of people not even notice but
for example you get rapport just with a leg position and maybe the tone of voice
because physiology 65% communication if you're sitting there let's say let's say
you cross your leg like this can I cross my leg like this while we're talking yes
or no it'll feel comfortable to you please start bouncing your foot like
this packing for time outs my foot same tempo if I do
by the way I goose for a while and then if I don't like it I could slow it down
in the stores now that's tasty I'm leaning in it but if you do this if they
clap their leg and now they go ahead and cross you don't uncross the moment and
cross wait to go to say something and say you know what because when you go to
speak speaking requires a change of physiology and they'll ever notice what
you're doing very unique now it is true if you know they lean forward are you
saying well right they lean forward I leave more they lean back I lean back
they cross the leg I cross might they pick their nose I pick my mouth exactly
no you don't do everything and if you start going like this when they're
mirroring you start going after about 20 minutes ago what's wrong with you but
you'd be surprised you can mirror people and be mirroring almost everything
they're doing and they rarely have ever noticed it right
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