Well I hope you found these 12 steps to conflict resolution helpful
and what I want you to remember is conflict is like a leaking faucet, left unfixed, it only gets worse.
They do. They don't just go away. They don't melt away.
They might go underground for a while
but they can result in bitterness and hurt and pain and certainly broken relationships
and at the very least, significant walls between you and other people mentally
emotionally even physically in relationally, so that there can't be intimacy.
And relationships ought to be intimate.
Remember what George Bernard Shaw once said --
"In the right key, you can say anything, in the wrong key nothing;
The delicate part of life is establishing the key."
And you want to be in right key when it comes to relationships.
You want to be in the key of unity; in oneness.
Where things are flowing. When you're enjoying one another.
Where your iron sharpening iron. You're being synergistic.
You're having impact together. Much more than you ever could alone
because you understand the power of relationships
and you understand the power and skills for resolving conflicts.
Now you've seen these 12 steps and I want you to review them here in the days to come.
Remember: Learn to embrace and resolve conflicts.
You know, we tend to practice flight-or-fight
but embrace them. They're not bad.
Remember: Anger is not bad but address your anger the right way.
Anger is a motivator. This is 'hey there's a problem" A warning light.
So deal with it the right way by responding not reacting.
and then, seek understanding NOT victory. Don't try to always win.
Seek understanding and then finally, fourth - assume the best.
Don't jump to conclusions cut people some slack.
and five is learn to share your feelings appropriately.
Remember, it's hard for me to do, probably for some of you
but learn how to share your feelings appropriately.
That's where the issues are.
And then six is watch your tongue.
Is it true? Is it kind? Is that necessary?
Remember the danger of the tongue.
And eight is attack the problem NOT the person.
Attack the problem NOT the person and and you can do that
If you're careful, particularly by using "I" statements not "YOU" statements.
And then deal with specific and NOT generalization is number nine.
Don't just talk general ideas. Be specific. Give examples.
Ten is to seek and grant forgiveness.
Wow what a powerful thing that is and hard to do but you must.
Eleven is deal with conflict personally.
Go to the person. Don't try to shame people.
Don't talk behind their back or do it publicly at least don't start there.
And then twelve is be gentle. Remember people are fragile.
They're like eggs, you're walking on eggshells in a sense we're all very fragile.
So think of that wild stallion whose spirit is very much alive but will's been broken
and is submitted to these twelve steps when it comes to dealing with conflict.
Let me close with a story to show you the impact of this.
I was sharing this to a group of leaders in Malaysia some years ago
I had hundreds of leaders before I was going to speak to thousands at a convention.
but these were the leaders of this group, a big marketing group.
And I went through these twelve steps in Malaysia they were mostly Islamic people of faith
but it was in a business environment.
And when we got done I had the speaker come up on stage and I said to him
"What do you think?" and he said "Well -- very helpful"
I said "Well, does it work for your folks?"
he goes "Oh yeah. We've never learned to deal with conflict this way"
"In fact we tend to run away from conflict or get very aggressive like you said"
"And resolving conflict is kind of a new concept so this has been very helpful"
I said "Did anything stand out?"
and he goes "Well for me personally, yes and that was seeking and granting forgiveness"
I said "Really?" He said "Yeah in fact I need to ask for forgiveness now"
I said "Now?"
He said "Yeah"
Now get the picture, we're both up on stage I had a mic, he had a mic,
Hundreds of these top leaders and he turned to the number two guy in the group
And he called him out "Kemal"
And he said "Kemal when we started this business.." And he was reading his notes on how to ask for forgiveness
Remember those four steps?
He said "When we started the business I stole some of your people, I was wrong"
"And I am so sorry I stole some of your people"
And and that was a terrible thing to do and and I'm sorry"
"I'm so sorry I did that and cause you embarrassment and hurt and frankly lack of funds"
"And respect and all those kinds of things, I'm so sorry for that"
He says "I'm gonna work hard not to do it again"
"And I want you and everybody here to hold me accountable"
And then he said "Ron" He said "Ron I can't read the fourth thing"
He said "Ron I can't read the fourth thing. So what do I do?"
I said "Well you say, 'will you forgive me' and shut up."
So he looked at Kemal and said ( in front of everybody ) and said "Kemal will you forgive me and shut up?"
I said "No no no! You don't say shut up"
I said you say "Will you forgive me" and then you shut up.
He goes "Oh" and they were laughing at that point.
And then I said "Hey Kemal it's on the table you've been asked to forgive your brother here"
I said "What do you say?" and he jumped up on the table
And he said "Absolutely!"
Now this was from way back at the back of the room
And you could tell in just a moment, like that, the spirit of that group change
Because a leader had the humility to ask for forgiveness, in this case publicly.
Think of it.
He wasn't driven particularly by his faith this was new concept for him.
He was just driven by 'it was the right thing to do'
He was submitting to the principles
He saw the wisdom in them
Well, I hope you'll do the same thing and see the power of those.
If you find yourself grappling with which of these you need to work on
One of the things you could do is take it home to your family or colleagues
And simply give them the 12 steps, the list.
And say "Which one of these is my greatest one and which one is my weakest?"
I was sharing and I'll close with this. I was sharing this with a group of leaders in Florida
some years ago and with a colleague and this was the first time my colleague had heard it
And we had a sheet with these 12 steps on him and I passed him out
And he went through it and I presented and he added some color commentary
And then he went home. We flew back home that night to San Diego, California
And he left his sheet on his desk and the next morning he woke up
and he turned over and saw this sheet on his on his bed
and he saw yellow or orange underlining certain ones with a little note on the side that said
"Hey Dad here's a little note from your son!"
And what was underlined was address your anger and also about being kind and
about speaking the truth but in love being caring and kind and respectful and
and then also being gentle because this guy wasn't all that good at that
at that particular time and his son was letting him know
and called him out on that by underlining and even putting some exclamation marks
by things that he needed to focus on.
Well, look at it. I'd rather initiate that with my own children and my family which I've done over time
And my colleagues and have them surprise me with that on my pillow in the morning
So I heard you do the same thing.
If you can live your life in light of these principles
You will start to see significant transformation in your relationships
From broken relationships to whole relationships
From hopeless relationships to healthy healing relationships
And I look forward to hearing the days to come how your lives are being changed.
Let me know.
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