What's up guys?
It's Michael and welcome to another episode of the Single AF Podcast.
I hope that you all had a fantastic holiday weekend.
Christmas and Hanukkah were on the same day which is really cool.
I hope that you did get to enjoy it, spend it with some family or some friends, stuff
like that.
Of course I was driving for Uber for most of the weekend but I was also uploading lots
of videos on my YouTube channel so if you're listening on SoundCloud, make sure that you
do head over to my YouTube channel.
I tried to do as much entertainment for people who would be alone as I possibly could.
For this week's episode, since it is, you know, we're going into the new year and people
are now setting new year's resolutions, we're setting goals, stuff like that, I wanted to
sort of take the opportunity to talk about relationship goals and not so much like actual
goals so much as what actually goes into a healthy relationship because I do talk a lot
about you know being in a happy and healthy relationship and sort of the signs that you're
not going to be in one and how important it is to make sure that you're ready to be in
one and to make sure that you are actually going to end up in one with the person that
you're dating.
And having worked for a domestic violence shelter for a couple years, I think that I
have an idea of what goes into a healthy relationship, but I could be wrong so as always you know
if you do disagree with me or if you have something to add to something that I say,
make sure that you do it in the comments or you know reach out to me on Twitter or whatever
it is.
I do want this to be an open discussion and I want it to be something that is you know
I'm not the only person that is offering an opinion.
So if you do have a specific question and you want to ask in the comments or something
like that and have other people offer you an opinion, feel free to do that as well.
When I talk about a happy, healthy relationship, that is going to be defined as two individual
people (or you know possibly more depending on your definition of a relationship but in
general we're looking at two people) that are already happy and healthy.
So these are people that already have a good level of self-confidence and self-esteem.
They know their worth, they know their value, and they don't rely on other people.
They don't rely on that external validation to have a good opinion of themselves.
So they're never doing things just for attention.
They're never doing things just to get someone else's approval.
That's the most important factor because if you know who you are, and you believe in who
you are on your own, you don't have to worry nearly as much about you know getting into
an unhealthy relationship because you will already have a good relationship with yourself.
And when people say things like, you know, "You can't love someone until you love yourself,"
that's what they mean.
They don't really mean that you're incapable of giving love or that you're incapable of
offering love or that you're even incapable of falling in love.
Because lots of people who really don't care for themselves do end up in relationships.
But those relationships are generally not going to be healthy.
Usually that's sort of where co-dependence starts to come in and you start to see yourself
doing things and you know that you don't necessarily agree with - that you don't necessarily feel
comfortable with - just to please your partner.
And that's a very dangerous place to be in.
So when you know people are offering the advice of love yourself before you can love someone
else, that's what they mean is get into that good place with yourself so that you're not
trying to bend over backwards for somebody else where you can set boundaries.
And that is the second part.
So we've got two happy and healthy people who decide that if they come together they
can be even happier and even healthier.
And that's where people sort of get off track because oftentimes you're not going to end
up with two happy and healthy people who decide to be even happier and even healthier together.
You're going to end up with two people who are kind of okay with themselves but just
like need a boyfriend - they need a girlfriend - they don't know who that is exactly, they
don't have anybody specific in mind, it's sort of "I want a boyfriend."
Great.
You know.
What's his name?
And that's sort of always the question that I ask my friends you know when they do have
an okay relationship with themselves but they still get lonely and they don't really know
how to deal with that loneliness.
They're basically looking for somebody to fill the void and to chase away the boredom
and it's like, "I want a boyfriend."
Great.
You know.
Who... who?
Who is it?
You know.
Have I met him already or what?
And they're usually like well like I don't - I haven't met him yet.
And that's sort of the important second step.
So get on good terms with yourself, decide that yes you are open to the idea of falling
in love with somebody, but you know don't really decide that you want a boyfriend just
for the sake of having one.
Wait until you find someone specifically who fits really well in with your life and with
your values and jibes with you and that's when you get into a happy, healthy, fulfilling
relationship.
And so those are like the two sort of key components to getting into one.
I'm not going to say that all relationships are going to be doomed if you're not already
in that place.
I'm not going to say that you know if you don't like yourself that much then you're
automatically going to get into an unhealthy relationship.
I firmly believe that you are the only person that can actually make that determination
for yourself and I would never make that determination for somebody else after working at a shelter
because that's technically abuse.
Little known fun fact there: telling people what to feel is considered abusing them.
Go figure, right?
But try and put the priority not so much on the relationship itself.
Try to put the priority on you - and on enjoying yourself and appreciating yourself and learning
to value yourself because then everything else just sort of comes naturally.
So if there's any relationship goals that I would offer you know if there's anything
that I would highly recommend that people pursue if there's some image that I would
put all over social media to make people go awww you know and sort of inspire people it
would be a happy and healthy relationship with yourself and appreciating yourself for
who you are and firmly believing and being willing to stand behind yourself and set those
boundaries and defend those boundaries and express when you're not comfortable with something
because then everything else sort of comes very naturally and you can much more easily
spot the red flags.
As always, thank you guys for watching and for listening.
This episode is going to be relatively short because I have so much more to add but it's
gonna be like a 30 minute episode.
There's so much that I can talk about.
Leave your specific questions if you do have any or if I left anything sort of you know
strange in the comments and I'll address that with next week's video obviously.
I will not be seeing you until next year but I will still be uploading on my YouTube channel
again this week, so make sure you stay tuned for that.
As always, I love you all and I hope that you are off to a fantastic start of your week,
that you had wonderful holidays, and let's be very thankful that 2016 is finally almost
over.
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