Hey hey, my friend! Welcome to Parenting A-to-Z! I'm Kelly Bourne and this week
we're digging right into whining! How to deal when our kids whine. We're gonna
look at why they whine in the first place, I've got a little 3-step system
you can use in the moment to deal with your kids whining, and then some
proactive steps you can take moving forward to lessen the amount of whining
you're finding yourself dealing with on a daily basis. Cuz man, it's like
nails on a chalkboard sometimes, right?! It can drive you a little bit batty!
So grab your cup of coffee and we'll get right to it!
Oh man! Whining can be so
hard to deal with! It can just grate. That voice, it can just
grate. And it's not only the voice, it's that feeling of kind of being
manipulated. Like they're only doing this to get what they want. And guess what?!
Nine times out of ten, that's exactly what they're "using" the whining for. It's
just really a means to an end for them, because they've learned
somewhere along the line that if I use this voice and if I don't let up, mum and
dad are gonna cave. They're gonna cave. It's all gonna come falling right
into my hands. I know, our kids are little geniuses! They really are little
geniuses. So when it comes to squashing the whining, it's just keeping that in
mind. That when our kids are doing this, all they're really doing is taking a
misguided way to get to get their goal met, whatever it is. If they want
something, or if they need something, or if they want to talk to you, whatever it
is, whining is their ticket to getting what they want. So for us, it's just
helping them get what they want through cooperative means and then they'll leave
the whining in the dust. Cuz it'll no longer be useful. So that's our main job
if we want to get rid of the whining. We need it to stop being useful for our
kids. So the way that I like to deal with this is kind of like a three-part system.
So right off the top, when you find yourself first dealing with whining, like
this is a really new onset behaviour, first and foremost -- just validate what
they're after. So yeah, "you know what, you're really
disappointed about that" or "You really wanted that candy."
Just validate whatever it is they're asking for. And then in the
second breath, the thing that I like to tack on is, "You know what? I can see
you're really frustrated, but I just I can't understand what
you're asking me?" Not letting the whining have that power for them getting what
they want. So you're noticing, you're aware that what they're after, whatever it is
they're after, but you are not willing to let the whining be the means to the end
for them. So that's really the first thing when you start noticing that
behaviour. Noticing, acknowledging, validating, while also pumping the brakes
and being like, "I can see you really you're after something,
you need something, I really want to help you, but I can't, I'm sorry. I can't
understand what you're saying. Is there another way you could ask me?" or "I really
want to help you. Can you help me out by asking in a
different way?" Just kind of sending the message that
that voice isn't going to work for you. And as effective as that is, because
really, it does work at least for our family about nine times out of ten
at getting them to go back to using their regular voice, sometimes it doesn't.
And sometimes they're really relentless. And sometimes they don't want to give up.
And sometimes they're just seeing if they can get what they want
using this whiny voice. And the key there is just to not notice it. Pay it no mind.
And I don't mean totally ignoring your child, of course not, I just mean not
noticing the whining. You can excuse yourself to go to
another room and say "Can you use your regular voice, bud? Or should I go to
another room?" I will even say to my kids,
"That voice is really hurting my ears, so come come see me when
you're ready to talk. I'm sorry, it's just hurting me."
Because the thing is, when we're constantly addressing the whining, if
we're, "Stop whining! I told you just stop whining!" The more we address it,
the more it works. Because the more attention they're getting, the more
they're seeing like, okay, when I do this I have the full attention of mom or dad
or grandma or whoever they're using it on. If they're
persisting, that's fine. We just also need to persist. "But yet, she persisted!" We
need to persist in the face of our kids' whining. And
that can be just not noticing it, it can be tuning out the whining, it can be even
excusing yourself to another room. Just because our kids want to use that voice
doesn't mean we have to listen to it. And it also doesn't mean we need
to be a jerk about it either! So if you need to excuse yourself, excuse yourself!
There's nothing wrong with that at all. And then eventually they will see,
they will absolutely see, that okay, I'm trying this, I'm trying this, I'm trying
this -- it's not working. So they'll drop it. Because all of us, even even us as adults,
we're all goal-directed. If we are trying something and it's not getting us what
we want, we'll drop the behaviour. And it's the exact same with whining. So those
three are really great tools that you can use in the moment. But there are also
some really good back pocket strategies you can use proactively, on the daily,
when your kids aren't whining, that will also help lessen the amount and severity
of their whining. And the first thing is just to kind of have an awareness, just
to kind of notice where our attention has been. Because whining generally is an
attention-seeking behaviour. It's their way of getting us to pay attention. So
just taking a look at what that looks like for yourself, how attentive
have you been. Have you been distracted? Have you been overwhelmed? Or are you stressed
with something else? Look at what's going on with you in your life and how much
one-on-one time you have had with your kids. And just stepping back a bit
and seeing, am I giving my full attention? And that doesn't mean you have
to be giving it 24/7, but when you're with them, are you with them? Or are you
distracted by other things? So just paying attention to that for yourself
and then making changes where you need to make changes. If it is setting aside
one-on-one time for each kid, or having special reading time,
whatever it is, just notice that for you. If you need to kind of
have a little check-in. If you need to have a check-in with your kids and have
some more quality one-on-one time. Another big one, too, is starting to teach
our kids assertiveness skills. When you start to notice this whining, when you
start to notice them trying to win your attention, or get what they want
using whining, that's a great opportunity to kind of harness it and teach them
those skills. To know how to ask for what they want in a
polite, respectful way. So sometimes it's just a little bit of coaching. And one
way you can do that, is just by giving them the language.
By coaching them and giving them the phrases and the things you wish they
would have said when they were asking for the playdate, or they were asking for
the candy, or they were wanting to leave the park. All those instances where they
could be whining, you can just substitute "Can I please have...?" or "I'm feeling
disappointed about...." or "I wish I could....." or "I wanted to stay later and play at the
park..." Just giving them that language. So whatever it is they're whining about,
give them the tools, give them the option of what they could be saying instead.
Because the more we can teach them, and the more we can equip them with that
language, the more they're gonna be able to use it. They're not gonna
magically know how to tell us they're disappointed, or tell us they're
frustrated, or ask politely for something, if we don't first show them the ropes. So
just take it as a great opportunity to teach assertiveness skills. It'll
serve them so well down the road, and it'll save your ears! It'll save your
ears and it'll save you so much frustration because they won't have to
whine to get what they want because you've taught them how to be assertive
and ask for what they want. And then one last little back pocket tool
that actually works for so many "misbehaviours" is just to
catch them in the act of being good. Or catch them in the act of being assertive
and asking for what they want. Or telling us what they need in a really polite way. So
just saying like, "Yeah, sure thing! No problem!" or "Thank you! It's a pleasure
when you when you ask so politely for things. Of course I would love to get
that for you." Just really catching them in the act, whenever they are using those
behaviours. Because sometimes we can just forget sometimes. We can take those
polite behaviours for granted. We can
focus in on the negative. It's like it's like a trigger when they're rude, or
they start whining, where we feel like we need to jump in and teach. Whereas if we
can embrace those moments where they're already shining, where they're already
showing strength, we'll just start to see more of it. It's just the positive
hamster wheel. The more we notice the good, the more good we'll get. So just
keep that in mind. So I know, guys whining can be really tricky to deal with, but
the key is just to acknowledge what your kids are after while also holding firm
on that boundary that that whining voice is not gonna get them
whatever it is they need, while also giving them the tools, and giving them
the language, and coaching them through how to ask for what they want in a
really assertive way. So I hope that helps, guys! Of course, leave any questions
or comments below, I always love chatting with you! If you're looking for any more
in-depth parenting resources or support, don't forget to check us out in the
Parent 'Hood! I hold weekly office hours so we can chat and you can ask
questions one-on-one, and give some really good tips and tools you can run
with. So good luck guys! Let me know how it goes, and I'll see you in the next
video!
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