What's up everyone I'm Dono and this is
how to happy. in this video we're going
to be talking about focusing on things
that you can control. So imagine that
you're sitting there and you're watching
some kind of sporting event and as the
last few minutes of the game tick away
your team is winning. They've been
playing pretty well but it's a little
too close for comfort. So you're watching
the game it's going, the minutes are ticking away.
At the very last second the other
team makes this incredible, miraculous
play. Boom and your team loses and you're
just devastated. No like come on oh!
You're freaking out in a flurry of
emotion you toss your phone across the
room and just like utter all these
different cuss words. To make it even worse
that was the championship game and your
team lost just as the last second. So for
the next I don't know, three or four days,
you're just in this funk just like
ruminating about it like oh man I
can't believe they lost like are you
serious. I played a decent amount of
sports, watch sports every once in a
while, so I kind of understand those
feelings when your team loses. You know
getting like frustrated and kind of
fired up but the problem is when you let
those kinds of things stick with you a
lot longer than they need to. If you're
not playing in the game then you didn't
even have any real influence on the
outcome at all. You didn't influence
anything that happened, so why would we let
events like this that we don't have any
control over stay with us for so long. So
in this video we're going to be talking
about focusing on the things you actually
can control because when you can't
control something and you focus on it
it's really just a waste of your time.
I'm definitely on the opinion that you
can do a lot and create a lot of
opportunities but some things are simply
going to be out of your control. The more
you focus on these situations that you
can't influence the more deeply
emotional and frustrated you're going to
be right. You know going back to the game
example like oh my gosh why didn't he block the
pass he was right there. You know if you're
thinking about that days and days later
there's nothing you can do or could have
done to
change that. There's nothing for you to
learn out of what happened, there's
nothing for you to modify. Its really
just burning your time. I won't go too
deep into kind of creating opportunities
but if you know that your opportunities
for influencing a situation have kind of
run out it's better to move your
attention elsewhere. So for example like
that game first of all you couldn't have
control the outcome to begin with but
also the more you think about it it's
further and further in the past and you
just had no chance of influencing the
past. The past has already happened. Let's go
over a few examples of things you do and
don't have control over. For example you
have control over how you treat other
people but you'll never have control
over how other people treat and feel
about you. Of course you can act in
certain ways that makes it more likely
that people are going to like you but at
the end of the day you can't make them
do anything. You can't have control over
any of their actions or feelings. So you
could ask someone you know for example
for directions and they could either
give you those directions or they could
say like are you an idiot, really? You're lost?
Either one of those reactions you
couldn't have changed but you could have
asked both of them the exact same thing and
gotten two entirely different outcomes.
So it's something that's just out of
your control. Everyone is going to be
interpreting what you do through their
own lens and then react based on that. So
you can do you know like I said a
certain amount to try to come off a
certain way but if they interpret it
differently and then act on it that's
out of your control. If they're just
naturally you know more helpful or
naturally more rude that's not something
that you can influence. However if we
flip the situation and someone asked you
for directions regardless of whether
they ask you in a way that's nice or way
that's rude you are fully in control of
how you react to the situation. You're in
control of whether you treat them well
or you kind of brush them off. Let's move
on to another example so if you're
driving and someone cuts you off you
can't control that they cut you off. The
only thing that you have control over is
how you react to being cut off. Once the
event happens it's already over it's in
the past there's nothing that you can
possibly do to change it. All you can
control is what you do
in the moments afterward. Even if you just
start screaming at them, you try to flash
your lights at them to get them to pull over
yada yada yada it doesn't change that
they cut you off. All you can control is
what you do. Adding on to that you'll
often hear people say stuff like oh my
gosh a person makes me so mad, but really
you're the one in control of that frame.
You're the one who gets to interpret
actions and then react to them. So if
someone cuts you off you can create a
narrative for yourself that either says
oh well they meant to do that I hate
them or you can create a narrative say
well they may not have seen me that
strongly influences how you're going to
feel about the situation. So they're not
necessarily making you mad but you
choose to take an interpretation that
ends with you being mad. You get to
control whether or not that event is
something that you focus on and becomes
an important part of your day or if you
just let it pass through. In the grand
scheme of things how much does it really
matter? Another example; you can't control
if you get laid off from your job but
you can control how quickly you go out
and start looking for a new job. So
you've probably heard this before people
get laid off and and they just go from
place to place kind of telling people
what happened and their sole focus is on
oh my gosh I got laid off and this is so
unfair and I hate it and I've been
working at this place for so long. But
again it's something that's already
happened you've already been laid off so
you can't do anything to change it. Yeah
maybe you can go try to ask and see if
they'll give you a different job or
something like that but that's getting
back into your control and focusing on
actions you can take. So the more time
that you spend kind of focused on oh I
got laid off and it means this this and this,
the less time you have to go out
and actively look for a new job. You're
in control again of your reaction of how
you spend your time. You're not in
control of the event that already
happened and more that you focus on it
the more upset you're going to get and
the less time you have to do other
things. You know the more you focus on
how frustrated you are that doesn't put
resumes in potential employers hands.
Let's move on to another example, you
can't control if you think
someone who's undeserving is successful.
What you can control is how hard you
work to become successful. So if you
think about you know some I don't know
trust fund type kids right and you
spend a bunch of times like wow it's so
unfair that they have all this money and
all this stuff and they never have to work.
I mean it might be unfair but it's also
something out of your control. You
focusing on that doesn't do anything for
you. The only thing you can do is look at
your circumstances and work on those. An
example that kind of falls in the same
line is you'll often hear people who are
really upset about certain musicians
right. They'll say oh wow that guy
really sucks i don't know how he has so
many followers yada yada yada yada and
I've definitely been guilty of that
myself but basically the more time you
spend doing that it doesn't it doesn't
affect it doesn't affect their
popularity at all. All it does is waste
your time and if you're an aspiring
musician or aspiring to something else
that's time that you could use to work
on something else. Something that you
actually have control over. I think
that's plenty of examples for you to
kind of get the point. I want to make one
other point though and that is don't use this
framework as an excuse to not get things
done. There are a ton of opportunities
out there and a ton of things you can
work on and influence right because we
all know people who basically say
everything is out of their control. I can't
do that because of this and I can'r do
that because of this and they go on and on
and on. That's not really what I'm
talking about here what I'm talking
about is there are some things that are
genuinely out of your control so kind of
try to pay attention and distill out
what is and is not in your control and
then focus on those things that are in
your control because that's what you
actually have an impact on but don't
just use it as an excuse to never do
anything ever because that's equally
unproductive. In every situation you're
going to have some control even if it's
just you know trying to control your
thoughts and the way that you're framing
the situation. Focusing on what you can
control is a key component to
happiness because otherwise you're just
left up to the whims of the world right.
If you only focus on these things that
you can't control. these outcomes that
you have no influence on. then you
basically either have a good day or a
bad day based on just
random stuff that happens or if you just
keep focusing on one thing you just
continually have a bad experience about
something that has already happened and
you can't change. Knowing what you can
control gives you a lot more power to
change things in your life so as you
practice and get a little bit better at
identifying what you can and can't
control just continue to work towards
the things that you can. And that's
really the main thrust of this video is
basically to reflect on some of the
things that make you upset and
understand whether or not you can
control them and if you can in what ways
can you actually have an impact on the
outcome because again like I was
saying before people's actions how
people feel about you you can't
necessarily control that. You could be
incredibly nice to someone and they
still don't like you. That's not
something that you should focus on. You
should focus on what you can control you
can control your behavior and your
actions and your thoughts. Alright let's
move on to the exercise portion. So for
this video the exercise is to write down
one thing that you're in control of in
your life and one thing that you're not.
Try to be as specific as possible so
that it's something with a little bit of
meaning for you and the more that you do
this exercise the better you're going to
get at understanding what is and what is
not in your control. That's all I've got
for this video as always if you have any
questions comments topic you want me to
cover put them down in the box below.
Beyond that I will see you next time. See
ya. You can check out more content at how
to happy.com. Also don't forget to
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out. Reflect take action and enjoy life.
See you next time!
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