thank you everyone for being here tonight wow this has been a really
exciting bizarre humbling few days of like never making art that other people
see that I'm not before me because I'm a performer so I'm like reading a poem or
I'm dancing around i'm taking my clothes off and it's like you know we're having
a relationship and I'm just like
there you are just sitting in the chairs looking at this stuff and I can't
respond to you about
so it's it's a new thing you wish thing but the response has been really
wonderful so thank you
so today is pretty pretty chill i would really love people ask me questions I
would not ask me anything
I'm i'll just sell it tell you don't want to answer if you've seen the work
before like in the past few days and you want to ask questions if you're seeing
it for the first time you're like what does that mean
I thought I would start with a poem so for those that don't know every piece
that's a series has a corresponding poem that goes with it and I didn't get to
read all of them on the one opening but i would like to share this one with you
folks
so this poem corresponds with the peace in the Middle pain map which is the
white background in red stitching
when did the pain start that depends on what you mean by when and pain and start
you see there that sunken-in part around my heart
that's the moat that that developed around my ability to feel and give love
the water is mostly tears and it's full of scorpions that Fisher after like like
a fish year after an earthquake that formed right around my mom died but it
didn't really start to fill up until later when I realized that she wouldn't
be back
now if we're taking a wide when I came into the world on the ways of a trauma
so not to mention all of the pain and heartache and ache and grief
I carry in my Merrill from my mirror and not so near ancestors
oh oh you mean the pain that can be diagnosed
oh when I was like 12 or 13 juvenile fibromyalgia
huh did I experience a trauma at that age?
no no no no
well the summer before I turned twelve i did officially get a step monster
stepmother and not just any stepmother but the kind who validated every single
fear that disney movies had planted me with cold
Oh
I can't handle that echo, ok a cold
unkind, she didn't like kids, it's in the gas lighting and the drinking and the abuse
I cried throughout their entire wedding
it was my first time being a bridesmaid my cousin took me to see my then
favorite musical west side story on the big stage and I cried through all of
that too
it remains the consolation prize i won
well they went on their honeymoon so sometime after that I started
experiencing a searing pain in my back
it was really raw and splitting and it would steal my breath
at this point i already had generally uninvestigated chronic headaches and
foot pain
so this was kind of the maraschino cherry atop my pubescent shit sundae.But
children don't get back pain and you have those headaches because you read
too much
you're just out growing your shoes that's all you're always crying for
something anyway all that swelling around my spine
that's going to impact of every time I was told I was somehow making it up or
that it wasn't as painful as i described or do you mean the self-inflicted pain
began its cutting and moved to piercings and finally tattoos
the pain that I made visible. The scars that remind me of the madness and the
mire that I've made it through the glimmer and shadow of the jewels armor,
gold rhinestones, gems, bits and bits were punctured just to live that have served
their purpose
the tattoos that steadily cover more and more of my body
the process of trembling under the needle for hours after hours
the ink input and blood pooling together working out how they're going to coexist
those grotesque days of scabbing and gracious days of shedding and once
revealed the healing now complete
there's only beauty left pain detectable outwardly or otherwise is the natural
state of being for this meeting, for this body.Does this hurt?
that depends. Thank you.
Does anyone want to ask me a question?
I'm happy to talk until you think of some.So I thought I would share a little
bit about where all the all these ideas came from and I spoke a bit about it
on the opening that I have a we have a pretty good relationship, my
muse and I.
Now when they were like, so you have this idea, it's going to be five quilts and
I was like I don't know... five quilts is kind of a lot, you sure it's one quilt? no no Mel,
it's five quilts.Okay, okay fine. I can do five quilts.
Dear tangled, can I please do five quilts?Sure! So then I was artist in residence
and it was great and I was like yeah yeah yeah I'm doing 5 quilts... yeah yeah yeah.
These five quilts next year, totally going to happen, these five quilts. These five
quilts? Oh, I'm making 5 quilts, you're making five quilts? I'm making 5 quilts.
Totally gonna happen.Totally gonna happen. I can do it.
Hey Mel? yeah? So that third one, they're not actually going to be a quilt... Can you
like weave six different tapestries that kind of represent your ancestors?
That's kind of a lot... I don't know if I can do 6 tap-
no no it's gonna be this person and this person, so these are tapestries? Good,
ok fine, fine. So Mel, Mel? Yes? There's just one more... You know that one you've been
working on? The one by hand? It's like your astrology quilt.
Um...I know you weren't going to finish it include in the exhibition, but could
you just like wrap it up and like include it?
I mean I don't know... it's like it's all done by hand, it's like it's gonna take me
a long time. No, but it's really important. you gotta do
it. Mel, Mel do it. Tada!
so I feel like I had some choice, but not a ton of choice in
um in kind of what you see here, but it wasn't you know
wasn't like a rude obligation. it was like this process of two years the past
two years of being in a really close relationship to all of these ideas and
all these themes and thinking about them constantly
like I was thinking about fabric and patterns and textures and stitching and
like stitching positions and weaving positions and what kind of snacks to
have at the studio and and all sorts of things over and over again and one of
the biggest questions that I get is like, how long did it take you to do stuff and
it's a funny question because spoons and crip time and like time...
not really being the same for everybody like I feel like I went to
another dimension in order to complete all these things... we like don't know where the
hours came from. But for example, this piece, older still, took me about a year
and a half
and it's all done by hand and I'm really happy with how it turned out. It just took a
really long time.
Who knows about astrology?
Come on... I know there's some homos in here that know about astrology... So this is
my birth chart.
It's super personal if you're into astrology, to look at it. If you're not
into it, you don't know what it means but if you're an astrology
person
this is very personal and so if you don't know, a natal chart is... everyone is
so welcome because time is not linear so please come and make yourself so
comfortable. Um so a natal chart is kind of a snapshot of the sky and all
where all the planets were and stuff the second that you were born
and I've had a lot of lovely reading and stuff by people to learn a lot
about how astrology is played out in my life and it's become a huge part of my
spirituality and so I wanted to share this peace with you and I really like
that it starts the show because just been together for like a really long
time like we traveled, we've flown places like we've had to like undo stuff and go
back together I've had to like learn new skills to finish it.
Overall, I'd say one of the most kind of like thrilling things that has come in
the end result of making all this work is all the skills that I got to learn so
i learned how to do a whole cloth quilting
I wanted that tapestry is like a year ago I didn't know how to knit
I didn't know how to weave a year ago and that way and I love doing it
different things different things that I've picked up that have really helped
form how I envision things and really when I say like divine
intervention it was like things just like that one was going to be about
anatomy.
There was a map and it was anatomy and that one was going to be some kind of like
planetary sunset sort of thing because it was in space and it was in space from
the second I got the got the thing and that one was always going to be all black
because all black everything and it's been super bizarre to sit here and be like
they look like they look like how my mind made them and it's like my hands
did those things... I still don't make sense of that. I sold
all those things. I cannot comprehend it like when I was bringing them in and I
was like, this is a lot of a lot of stitching and like all this, one
by one
what?Like stitch by stitch and it's just like I've never done anything this big.
I've never worked on anything this hard since I was like in school and working on like
an essay about Shakespeare cause that's the kind of nerd that I was. Um and it feels
really amazing to be able to show and to talk to you which is why don't you ask
me questions to talk to you about what it's like to be in this body making this
work and there was a lot of times that we're really really really hard
because like my hands were cramping and like this one,
this last MF ER like we were like, you are so done so i had the trim and we're
going and it was like the last couple of days and my machine is like full and
fuzzy and hot and what they were doing this is happening and then I did it and
it was like I don't like this
I'm gonna need to undo it and do it again... Then he said, really? Muse? personally
like the last one like we're so close and it was like actually, no. I don't like
it at all. You have to do it again.
So we did it again and
and it was like, when I was kind of doing the zig-zaggy parts, my hands started
cramping but I was like so close and It was just this thing of like, okay
listening to my body but also deadlines and also being sick but also being like
oh it like being accountable to other people and yeah it was it was just like
a constant negotiation to be like do I push myself or do I go home? Or like,
am I gonna, what
what are the consequences of me asking this much of myself right now and the
consequences are like a lot of pain and being really really tired and eating
weird things at weird times like eating dinner at 10pm... a lot and like going to
bed at 4am because I couldn't get out of that cycle for like a couple of weeks
and yeah that's just like something I want to have a conversation with and
just be like what
what does that mean for us to expect a thing from ourselves and fulfill that
thing even if it's really hard.
Um...another piece that was really hard was, The black matter excellence.
Um..I have been, so if you haven't looked at that piece
it's embroidered with names of people
Um so ok, backtrack. The pattern, the traditional quilt pattern is called
flying geese and when I think about geese and when I think about Fox, I think a
lot about Adrienne Maree Brown and Emergence and Dandelions and the ways that she
talks about how how a flock of birds can communicate with each other without
communicating and how they know where they're gonna go
you know because of trust and patterns and energy vibrations, right? and how that
happens all the time every year with so many different kinds of species that
they find their ways find ways to move together in pretty unique ways and
I was thinking a lot about what it means to like join as black people with Black
Lives Matter and try to like move towards this like a thing of not being
killed of you know not being hunted
and what that would be like to like move together and what it's like right now to
move together across like many different countries and cities and communities
just trying to like exist like just trying to be free for so many years and
how you know we're trying to like do this really we're just trying to like
get past this kind of genocide.
And what happens is, they're being killed right and so we're trying to do this and
then people are like bringing us down
and so I was like what what is it like when we keep losing the birds that were
in flock with and it sucks
that's what it's like it sucks. But as I read in the poem, and I can talk about it
later. But alongside the experience of grief, of the particular kind of brief of
being a black person right now, or for like the past 500 years is alongside that is
like all the I mean all the activism at its base that like all the power that
comes from trying to like make yourself matter and so how many years of like
amazing like revolutionaries and leaders and people that like like holds so much
power for people to keep going and like those aren't forgotten like they're not
in isolation like I didn't learn about like I didn't learn about Trayvon
without learning about other people I didn't learn about my ground without
learning about black lives matter and so it wasn't
it's not for me
part of what makes me be able to keep kind of flying up is like knowing that
we are finding power and we are getting stronger but there is just a lot of like
people taking us out on our flock right and yeah and so that pattern i wanted to
kind of mess with geese and mess with order
and the kind of umm almost like routine, complacency that comes with a lot of
people are killed at once or in a lot of in a row and when you're hearing the
same story over and over again on the news like what that does to various
kinds of people and whether you ignore it or whether you see it you're like
that hurts
oh well whether you see it or like that hurts i gotta go to bed for a few weeks
like or whatever it is I'm and the fact that it's like a ticker-tape just - I
wanted to kind of draw people closer to some of those names and for me the names
that I picked where folks that specifically affected me when they died
like the moment I remember the moments of all those people
when I learned about them and it was really really really hard to work on.
Umm.... the names were the last thing I did like I finished most of it
for like months and months ago but I was like I couldn't I couldn't write them
on, I couldn't sew them on, I couldn't like it was just
it was just really difficult it was just really hard to like sit with these
people that I really mourned but i never knew that I wanted to remember but i
never knew, right?
Um and sometimes it was a little bit easier by the end. I had wanted to add people
that had been, that were killed last week and I couldn't fill their names and so I
had really
blessed, lovely, queer brown community come and be like oh no no no
this is not a job at a black person has to do right now I'm going to take this
and I'm going to sew until one in the morning so that you don't have to do
these names and that was probably like the most blessed thing that happens like
it was really amazing and that person isn't here, so I'm not going to shout them out.
Um...something I wanted to speak to that kind of relates that is like how a community
like made this happen
like people fed me, people like fed my cats, people brought me snacks people
send me text people send me texts, people sent me so many texts that were like I
know what's your last week or like here you go and like I'm really excited about
this and I was like who are you? Who were these people that were excited about the stuff
that I'm making?I don't get it... but it really helped. And every time I would
what kind of really kind of kicked me into an excitement year was in October
or the fall of last year, I did an event with another disabled artist,
Ellery Russian BT Russian at unit 2 and we did kind of like a work in
progress
comics, text, textile thing and the night before
we're like talking about what we're going to do when going over stuff and my
like 20 pound cat was like sitting on your lap like being adorable and it was
like shooting the shit and stuff they're really into cats they have two
exceptional cats.
I'm not going to talk about cats more than like a little bit and so i was just
I had planned to do one thing... like a few palms or whatever and I was just telling
them about the exhibition at the show and I was like oh yeah and i'm like
doing these X amount of pieces and it's kind of like this and they went through
and I talked about each kind of piece in the series like each kind of section of
the series and they were like have you told anybody that and I was like no just
I'm kind of like working on it like I'll be done in like a year it's fine they're
like I think you should
that was a bit like can you do that for your present that was really cool that
your presentation and I was like but it's just like my work
they're like no nobody wanna hear that stuff like go and so we I totally we did
a presentation and they made a powerpoint that night and then I was
like, hey people, this is this thing that i'm working on that's a work in progress
and it's kind of like this and people were really into it and come on in and
I have not had that experience before because like writing is so like like huh
and you know that's great but it's not always the public and not always super
like hey i just wrote a poem about these really awful hard things
want to read it? It's hard to do that... poets no.But there was something about people
being like excited about the pace that i was going to do the things that i was
going to do that was really really validating and really surprising because
I feel like everything is just got a really fast and it's art didn't have to
happen quickly you're right you know got to let people know in these ways and I
don't I don't I don't even know how to qualify it by time but like so many of
these pieces happened in the last like six weeks like that would take me a year
and a half that when i finished last year
But this one like, I finished in the spring. But like these little tapestries were
one night each for one day each.
The other thing about it is that a lot of it was improv all the weaving was
improv and so I would you know
watch some videos of like Audrey talking or I would like watch these really cool
interviews with Octavia on Charlie Rose and she was like no that's not what I'm
writing about this is what i'm reading about and like the really beautiful
interview with basket and like talking about his art and stuff and I would sit
with them and then I would be for them and we with them and this is what they
wanted me to do so they just kind of happened
but yeah like it took a long time but it was all up here like it was all the
poems and all the layouts and all the feelings or appearance i was just once I
got my hands on the things that just kind of happened in a way I mean a lot
of work but it did happen
I'm going to stop talking in case anyone wants to ask me anything
it's okay if you don't but i love it if you would
hi hi Jerry you can you
yeah
yeah
finish structure
object this
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
ok
thank you so yeah you spoke about kind of the disorganized and so each piece of
the people that I picked who spoke to me were what kind of inspired the whole
ancestor piece was the fact that I get to sit here and talk about being a Crip
artist and be like this is really painful
that took me a really long time or whatever and that you know that about me
and that like I i get to be really clear about this part of my existence as you
learn about my as you read my poetry as you get involved in my heart and there
are a lot of folks who came before me he didn't get to do that and so Audrey and
you in particular both lived hell along with cancer in like a lot of pain and
you know Jim talked about like you can stop working and she she couldn't have
to mark papers while she was like in cancer pain and so the pieces are that
the tools are partially what they used and also almost like us a symbol of what
they kind of had to like give up and we know about their illnesses and there
and their communities they've gone right like we know now that basket was in like
he was in a really bad car accident was younger and it affected his body like it
affected how is affected is paying like it affected his whole system but he
didn't want to get stuck with 27 like he didn't get to talk about that because he
was a prolific like you know like life-changing artist and how do you in
that moment
talk about being in really physical pain or not being able to do the exhibition
with andy warhol because you feel really crazy when people are like can I have
more tho can like can you make me more continue to make me more amazing
beautiful inspiring art about your pain but don't tell me about your pain and so
that's that's kind of what I was really thinking about with these pieces and
octavia like no lived with like mental complexities and was like this amazing
hermit and and how she lived and that affected have the things that she made
it and affected if I could have she died and i wanted to just have as much like
rimming beautiful foliage because that's where she died like she don't like you
know covered in trees and you know around her house where she liked me this
like amazing nest but like the result of being someone who needed a certain kind
of isolation and the fact that people are like the case you're kinda famous
and your kind of permitted so I'm just going to like peace out while you do
your thing i'm not going to check and necessarily
I'm maybe not going to show up because maybe you don't need me - because you're
famous and you live alone
and I'm just gonna cause for one second
and so it was really it was very like it was hard but also really feeling feeling
to be able to like work on those pieces together together with my ancestors
yeah yeah
Ashley
thank you
yeah
yeah
yeah
so yeah so the question was if one of the tapestries symbolizes and my mom
more than one of the others and like with doing the doing the self-portraits
something is true that I look a lot like my mom like we kind of look like the
same person
so much so that the portrait that i have in my arm when I'm like in places with
like curious ways of understanding tattoos people are like did you get a
portrait of yourself and I'm like I did
yes I got a massive portrait of my own face on my body
so anyway and so what we've looked a lot alike for a long time and about 10 years
ago now i got a massive surgery on my face in my jaw and it completely changed
i looked for like a year and a half and it fucked me up like hardcore because it
was like this is no this is the face that I like this is this is what i get
like this is the space that I get this is this body that the blood in my body
is like what I get to be with her I get to look at myself and see what she looks
like and then it was gone for like a while and kind of I have a really
different relationship to my face now and like I'm not I don't actually like
see what people see like when I see pictures and stuff because i still see
where it was swollen and i still see like like where it didn't move back or
whatever and i had to do a lot of like reckoning around her memory and face and
I wasn't prepared to do that at the time
and so there's something about working on these portraits and being
I mean it was it was improv and it was like what it was like the materials that
i was working with her just kind of like his bedside connected or collected over
years and i would say like especially with the self-portraits like she's just
like part of the part of the world like and particularly because I went away
with such a like a long long game story but i'm going to try and like make it
small
I went away and I didn't know I had some family and I met some family and it
turned out we all look like me look like my mom
and so I've had the last like a few weeks of being like it was only it was
just our faces like it was just me and her
that looked like and have this kind of similar face stuff like for a long time
and then now all of a sudden I have aunts and cousins and uncles and nieces
and nephews and grandnephews that like share this space and
that's just been like this really powerful like like oh it's okay
and I'm not the only one I don't have to do all the job of like remembering what
you look like or like it's not like it's not up to me being the kid that I am to
carry all of the weight of her memory and so that's been really healing but
yeah it's a she's like yeah yeah
thank you
any other question
yeah
so I couldn't work at home because i have two cats that shed so much that
when i was working on this one like we had to like I had to put . so i was like
i am weaving your entire body into the 50s and i would love to not do that
so that was definitely part of our relationship the amount of like lint
roll that I have gone through just to like get these pieces not allergic to
people when they get in here is like a whole thing and I'm you
so a couple years ago i heard i think it was i want to say it was like a story
about Tom Waits or something like that
I heard the radio and he was in a car he was driving and he got like an idea for
a song like right away you have anything to write it down and stuff and he was
like listen if you really want me to have this song you're going to give it
to me when I can actually write it down and do something with it otherwise you
can give it to somebody else but I cannot do anything right now so we're
going to have a quick conversation about like timing and I was like you can talk
back to them like we can like have a conversation about like how you're going
to show up
and so this whole like the music thing has been like a huge exercise
interesting my intuition which is really hard for me to do is like a trauma baby
and like all the different things that I live with and like trusting that I make
useful choices and so there was this freedom and being like I did just like
all five the first five a rove rove arrived arrived to English major
arrived and um and I didn't understand like I was like I didn't I never I've
never really understood how my poems were just kind of me or how like
whatever I would make was just like blah and I'd be like people like a whole can
write this thing and I was like I actually just actually just did like it
just came out of me and it when i was i want to say like nine
I wrote the first poem about my mom like the first time i've written about my mom
dying was when I was about nine and it just like the name of this poem and I
was like I'm 9 i'm going to bring this to school and show my teacher and so I
brought this lake
you know double Scorpio kid poem about like my mom dying to my teacher and she
fucking lost it like in the class and she's like wailing classmate was like
literally know what to do with this at all the reading is that doesn't like
words do that to people like that's like really i'm sorry i had the hard thing
you're having like a really hard too much into it and I my kid and I don't
really know what to do with your feeling but they've always kind of just like
come through me and it's been a really hard thing to trust because for all
sorts of reasons
and so in this the past couple of years has been like there wasn't ever there
was never like any doubt
I guess I have a lot of doubt and other things and so there was never any doubt
and what the use
we're and so that kind of gave me the time almost to be like like
just ask a lot of questions I'd like okay well what if i don't do one like
they would get card readings and stuff to be like it's okay if you don't finish
it and I'm like okay but what if i don't do one that I would like sit on it and
it would just be like no it's these are the ones are doing and I feel like
it was this process of trusting that there's a that there is like like a
central something that I wanted to communicate or that i wanted to make or
express or experience that all sorts of things and depressions and stuff have
like going like this and i feel like my muse was like it's a comment like it's
okay maybe like cool
no like I'm just going to like maybe not do that or I don't think anyone's gonna
want to hear about that i'm just going to do one and then like a few months
later be like here a little bit work and I'd be like okay we're going to do this
and it was just like it was really like this I feel like I can we can talk about
it
my news now because we've had this time of me being like I don't know if I can
do this and then feeling what that was like
and then feeling like a new kind of inspiration and like finding support in
random like occurrences in life and just trusting magic
yeah just magic I would have gone to get to know where use which sounds really do
but I think could be into that
ok
yeah
yeah
totally thank you so kind of had the poetry and the attack textiles work
together
so I've always said that I'm a poet first like I was born a poet and so
everything that kind of comes out of my hands and mouth ends up being some kind
of poetic like I wrote that and it was like here's some paragraphs these are
paragraphs about art and someone was like that's the best poem and I was like
oh cool
I got that fuckin and so it was that there was a trusting of that and there
was like ok these poems want to be a part of these pieces and they wouldn't
come
they would not come they would not come I would sit and i would try to get
myself ready and have my candles and get my shit ready and if you like
ok typewriter let's do this and they just wouldn't come you didn't want to
come but I knew
oops i knew i knew that they lived with poems because of how I couldn't put all
the words in two stitches like they're very like they go like this to me like
it was like I couldn't find words for everything so i stitched what I couldn't
find work for and then what their words
what words were there i put them into poems and it was the same thing like
they were with me
I was writing them in my head for months for a really long time but they wouldn't
right
they wouldn't come out and so again i have to be like okay
muse I don't know if I can do six poems on top of doing like six texts of pieces
I don't know if I can do that and then they were like okay like or you could
write haikus and I would like I could totally do he wasn't so i was like
thinking about how cool is perfect for awhile and then I just
that's not what's her to be written and I couldn't they weren't enough words and
then it happens with me apparently is one night I was like listen these forms
have to come out right now because I have to send them to somebody you know
because it's not just me and so literally they just went like a sign of
my typewriter and one after one they just came so I don't know what to say
about that but um like it didn't feel like I made them up at once it was that
they were just kind of like
sitting waiting for the like almost like the the fogger like the the clog miss of
actually doing all the work like I couldn't think about anything I couldn't
think about anything else like I was thinking about stitches until like the
day of the opening right and so it was really hard to get it was hard to feel
when i was putting in there and like feel the things that i want to put their
homes at the same time like it was kind of confusing and so I did do most of all
most all the texts i work before I did the poems but the poems were with me
when I was doing the textile work
ya think ya
yeah
yeah
yeah
sure
so I don't like I had spoke a little bit before I like the way of like you know
trying to find ways up through like big clouds of oppression and you know I i do
believe that it won't always be this way I don't believe it will be in my
lifetime and I feel like I'm like I'm at peace with that like I'm like I I feel
excited to make change even if I'm not necessarily the one that experience
isn't and i think i've learned some of that from the people that I am was kind
of like lifting up in in the cult and so that was one of the people is Alexis
pulling guns and she's she's a writer and a scholar she's like a black
feminist visionary and she really grounded and like shifted my experience
about thinking about my how experienced depression from centering like centering
white supremacy and take it away in center Daniel blackness instead
and when I kind of started to think about racing that way and think about my
experience of race that way
it was really
it was just really powerful and it was really like like making felt like a
holistic kind of filling in
because it's hard to talk back to white supremacy because it's white supremacy
and it's so like in everything but there's this way that anti blackness is
so tonight
like is so pocketed in this way that it's like it's like not
oh no that's not anti blackness that sex no that's empty blackness and so like
kind of really just like shit how many things but i think they look quite a lot
of things and she's one of the people who introduced me to so many black
feminist ancestors because it's part of her work part of our work is like its
legacy creation is like a sea documenting is archival work and she has
a meditation series that different monitors from 21 black feminists and she
she says their names
a hundred and eight times because it's the distance between the Sun and the
earth
you know the distance between the Earth and the moon I'm like it's like I takes
a hundred and eight turns or something like that for things to make orbit and
so she breathed those those words a hundred times and learning about all
those different people and the kinds of Lake like the kinds of conversations
that were happening now that were happening two hundred years ago like and
it's like people know that some people like to talk about anti blackness as if
it's like oh yeah we know like five hundred years but like when you like
actually break down your like thinking about it you're like oh this person like
I to be Wells said the same thing that people are saying now but it's like you
know it's just really like it's a really grounding thought to be like I'm not
having this hard thought for the first time I'm not having to make this like
justification of my person hunt for the first time even though it feels like it
for the first time
every time until yes i like this one of those folks bringing some is one of
those folks and she's the woman who climbed and took down the Confederate
flag
I can't work with on there right now
mmm yeah and with major uh-huh
the faders on there and miss murder is like a like a queer trans black grandma
of the movement of the like century but also doesn't exist in that adult
idolatry way like is still like a working-class like you know people like
she's like you know but she's still like exist in the same impression that she's
fighting against in this way that doesn't always happen when we exalt
people and she's really stays in touch with who she's fighting for which is
really meaningful and she just been doing it for a really long ass time and
she's amazing
and when I think about like yeah like queer and trans and non-binary black
folks like surviving to her age it's really something I just like that's what
I need to like that's the thing i want to happen if I don't make it then it's
like I need to like make sure that people get to like be like Miss majors
like my peer or like I got to live as old as Miss major like whatever it
because it's like we're not we're not given that as queer and trans and
non-binary brown black but like we're not given that like that you're going to
get to live until you're like a beautifully grade saying like creased
soft creature
we don't always get that opportunity and so I feel like I really wanted to hold
up hold her up with someone who's like fought quite hard to get to being to be
where she is and then I yeah I just want people know that special someone in the
man mr. Berger someone to and I kind of wrote about them together in the poem
because she's someone who was she
17 or 18 now and she's someone who i am like I didn't have any of that
understanding or or confidence or
language at that age which is cool whatever it was what it was but like I
appreciate the kind of movements that she's making in the kind of ways that
she is using her platform right now to like like speak in between the lines of
like common like LGBTQ narratives like I really appreciate that of hers and so
she's someone that I wanted to lift up
yeah and yeah I people that I've been inspired by sure i'm going to the time
to be okay for time
yes to your question yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
totally thank you
yeah i mean everyone every everything is intentional
I guess every stitch is intentional which is a lot of stitches to think
about quilts are kind of weird
quilts are weird because they can think there's so many parts of them that can
be meat that can be meaningful
I guess um there's parts of there's so many parts of them that don't have to be
described as any meaning
and so it's it's a decision of being like okay well are people going to read
in to that or and like also part of the process was knowing that people are
going to look at it and that was like a huge thing that I've never really had to
like think about before so being like Oh is someone going to get that don't think
about that or is like should i do it this way don't think about that and like
trying to like really like find some balance between that so pattern wise
I guess I'll start with running late which is back corner and green and so
that one is lots of concentric circles and diagonal lines kind of crisscrossing
into each other and I guess what I'm thinking about the quilt patterns it's
kind of like this like almost like this subtle vibrational energy like under the
message of the quilt and for that it was like a lot of like just time
Colossians like time like mix like bumping into each other all the time and
kind of feeling like I've never quite like there's never quite a clearance
it's always like there's kind of like moving dots of like how much capacity i
have like how much time there is or how much I can give and like there's there's
always this movement and so I kind of wanted to create this like colliding
colliding movement for that one and kind of a crisscross energy because it isn't
like i wake up
this will be my day I will go back to bed it is like it
I it will change in time that I wake up in time to get up
as a skinny body so that's kind of for that one and then with this with pain
mat with anyone
so there's a couple people that were helping me with this one because i was i
was struggling a lot with it because I had wanted to I really wanted to just
like show the central nervous system as like a trauma highway and like and the
fact that it does a lot of the work and how we and and how we respond and help
heal and that kind of those kind of things that is can this really
biological thing that I don't think we always like to think about but like you
know folks like go to therapy and stuff but like you can change your neural
pathways if you like you know there are ways that we can like learn how to heal
from trauma and learn how to like and and like in conversation with her PTSD
and stuff like that and part of that is like recognizing that trauma does
something
top to bottom and the way that this one kind of worked out
I just wanted to like have this kind of explosive sort of like dynamic energy
coming from my heart because a lot of
just just hurt like I wanted to like its physical but there's also so much
emotional trauma and oppression that goes into the pain that I experienced
and like that will like folks of fibromyalgia
no it's like if i get if i get really stressed out than like I'm gonna be bad
if i get you know if I get triggered when i'm out i'm gonna be in a lot of
pain and like that's that like that's like something in my heart going of the
left I'm not safe
I don't like that and then everything just right so that was kind of that one
this one I wanted so the the center is just the chart like that's kind of what
the chart exist I but the kind of raise the diagonal lines on the outside of the
frame there
I i just really like thinking about the sky and thinking about sun and thinking
about cosmic energy is kind of just like constantly moving and constantly kind of
like flowing and that that's just like a like a brief second of kind of like it's
kind of who makes me but also it's something everything I can be in
relationship with i guess like there's things that I thought were permanent
years ago that I thought I couldn't have any relationship with like my pain or
like my crazy and I feel like now I'm able to like have a relationship with
that even if it's not necessarily positive even if it's not necessarily
healing it's like okay like we're having a dialogue it's not just this like like
that's hard hurt that exists with that like just kind of like sits and and
breathe
yeah I just kind of wanted to like create like a bit of like Sun energy
going into that one for the fun of it was kind of the opposite that I wanted a
son and energy going out back into the sky i wanted to start pulling like
pulling me into the sky and then leave kind of like sending energy back out and
then with the with the less without the last of the fourth one and black matter
and
it their prison bars for that one
metaphorically and otherwise prison bars
yeah yeah
absolutely and and i know it the thing like holding pattern of a commodity the
thing that I have no idea if I have relationships you are not so i don't
know but i can't really imagine any of these being appealing to other people
which is fine i'm quite happy with them
yeah yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
it is really new like it was like I you know I've had to life had I've had
deadlines before but I've never had to navigate or like mine be the breadth of
things that I've had two and then like presented to somebody on the deadly and
one of the one of the earlier things that I learned from my mentor was that
because i was lamenting how long it's gonna take me like it was like anyone
who follows me on Instagram knows that that one has been like a powerful force
in my life for like a year and a half and like I was really angry like I was
just like why it this isn't it's taking too long like was just taking so long
we're never gonna get anything done and data and she was just like every like
stitch like every hour that takes his value like every like every 20 minutes
that you're sitting in 25 stitches or whatever like that's value the fact that
it took you a quick is taking it like this much time is adding value to the
fact that your body is creating this this work and so that really helped me
think about pace and and and get into a relationship to this might not get done
and that's okay that was like I had to say that a lot of times I was like this
. i get done and that's okay it might be one quilt and that's okay
like I promised six it might be one like right and you know knowing that in other
circumstances if you know there was like you know a number like a medical
emergency or like the things that are like conventionally understood is like
blockers of productivity
then people would be like oh it's ok that person so and so such and such so
it's fine but if it was like oh that person was just tired like it's
different right
and so yeah and so it was like really hard
often times and I got really angry
like with time and with like having to explain anything like I got really
irritated i got really irritated like I really irritable because I was like I
felt like I was like you get don't you get my body like want to stop asking me
like don't like it was just like this is my body but you get my body because you
want this art but you don't get any money because you have a timeline but
you do because you're kind of flexible better but you don't because it has to
happen at this time it was just this kind of like like how much do I have to
like continually explain the way that I work in order to like get time to work
for me
that's that was hard that was just like something i had to like be with
I do a lot of like lists and like and calendars and and then like that kind of
scheduling and so it was like when I started who the list like the cleanest
timeline that I had for january
this is going to get done your home favorite if we're gonna get on your
phone was going to be so good where you're going to be done you're going on
vacation it's gonna be great and I was like this is all the time and like it
all worked out and my mind knows that this probably won't happen but there's
still this like idea that like okay I guess someone I can show this piece of
paper to someone that I tried really hard and that like this is you know what
I worked for and it for me anyway
I'm a deadline worker I've learned that about myself that I works so great
real close to that deadline
and a couple you know a few years of kind of like being in this in that
rhythm has given me like an idea of what to do with it now so its like before
it'd be like oh shit like it would be like surprise it's due tomorrow it'd be
like
think think think think think think think think think think imagine imagine
dream dream dream
think think think think think due tomorrow and then I just
which is maybe not the like most effective way to do things
but I guess
I think that yeah the biggest thing was was being was reckoning with myself but
like that this wasn't the only opportunity also that this wasn't the
only life that these things would have
and so if I didn't finish this one or this one or this one I could finish it
and it would have another life and so like really thinking thinking big
picture and thinking about like I do a lot of thinking like thinking about like
who the deadline was four and then like and like okay it's actually important
because of access and like this way and so like okay what can I like offer at
this time to make it work for every all the parties comes
I'm involved the biggest thing that was hard about time was how many delays
they're wearing the getting started like there was like a lot of pickups to me
actually being able to like be in the studio in a place that wasn't shifting
that had access with an elevator with that was working
technically not but you know it was accessible to me and that wasn't the
case for a large truck part of my residency that there was like a lot of
pickups with locations and access and elevators breaking for six weeks and
that kind of thing and having to move around and so there was like a lot of
jostling to help because for me it really helps to be able to like imagine
myself in a situation so like I imagine myself in the space doing this
ok I can sit in that chair for this long were like I can bring this when he
snapped so it's this far away from home
like I really have to do a lot of like you know a little planning and things
like that which I think comes from
well comes from a lot of things but I'm PTSD is one of them but it's like making
sure that things are not going to be surprised
and when I have to go into the feelings of this work right
but it took a long time to get there and so that was also hard to be like okay
you have a deadline and I have this deadline but i can't start yet and so
I'm just going to hope that it's gonna I just had to hope that it was going to
happen in the time that I had
I think the thing that was thinking about community to is like not doing it
by myself like i did a lot of it obviously by myself I did
oh that mostly by myself but like having someone else accountable to a deadline
for you is huge like having someone else be like hey so I think that that grants
doing a couple of days how are you feeling about it like really shifted
things and so I was actually working with some and for the past six months
who I was kind of like who's coaching me in like Time stuff and so for that i was
like we meet and then should be like okay into becoming like what you want to
get done and be like okay I want to get the top piece of this done and I want to
have half of that drafted and then i would like have that little thing it was
just for her or just for me but it really really helped and so like that
was one thing that like even though my capacity is varied if I would figure out
in those two weeks how to meet that tiny task and that was a huge huge thing
having someone else accountable huge yeah yeah
and if there any more questions I'm happy to answer them I can I don't know
how we are for time I can't
15 minute okay
I me like I just really want to know this is really awkward embarrassing
thing they don't know how to ask them if I won't if I don't want to answer it is
small but you can ask me see you think about something interesting to share
with you while you think about question
so many brilliant people that make me happy
that's the thing that's true is that home
poetry is tough like poetry being like I'm going to be a poet hey Dad
or I'm gonna be a poet not even a novelist i'm not i'm going to be in all
this i'm going to be a poet and it's like it's really solitary it's really
weird and like ugly and there's you know it can be really just one pleasure to to
want to let someone in because it can be just like really like emotional work and
so like being able to communicate that this like weird poetic textile thing was
happening and that I was really scared about it and I was really excited about
it and i really wanted people to show up and then I was like have you ever done
this thing and I was just like a really liked was able to be like universe
I'm doing this universe I'm doing this universe you got me right and sometimes
I didn't feel that way but like the fact that
I did feel like even if it's just the six poems that I ever right for the rest
of my life like the fact that people wanted to experience them and then I got
to share them made the whole like dad I'm going to be a poet kinda feel a
little bit dr. a little bit nicer
yeah
yeah
totally and I had to really prepare myself to not have them anymore
like had to really be like okay you're not they're not going to be at the
studio when you go back there tomorrow
like are like you're not going to like wake up and get to touch that thing or
whatever and so I do kind of like a lot of coaching to be like you're gonna have
to leave them in a room with like alone overnight and that was really was hard
but then i was able to be prepared for that and so I was able to do some ritual
and like I say goodnight to them when i leave anything I didn't when I come back
and I feel like
so when i was when i was working in the studio and I kind of like opened and
closed with a prayer and especially i was working on an ancestor pieces i was
like i don't think i want to know that I'm doing this right now like and that
really helped
like remember the heart of why I wanted to do things even if it was like feeling
like deadline or like oh this material is working or whatever like it was like
I was able to be like okay like I was witnessed by my ancestors of my spirit
whoever was like with me for that session and so that kind of like helped
them feel quite cared for by the time they were done by the time I kind of
like had to leave them and so like I feel like they're pretty like protected
now which I know that answers your question
yeah
great ok
yeah
yeah
yeah
we thank you for the question and I really had to think about my pain in the
new way
I guess to do this work and just too especially work on payment to start to
like unpacked we're like my first trying to find my first memory of pain was
really intense like it's a really intense experience and it really intense
process to kind of get to but there's something
yeah there's just something about having like had to like experience my body and
the way that it is to touch everything to like touch every piece to really like
negotiate not even negotiate but just like conversate with different pain bits
of myself and i'm like so I grew up I grew up with my mom being dead and so
that was like it's a thing that you today when your kid it's like a thing
that
Oh like do you have brothers and sisters nope and like who's your mom and dad oh
I don't have a mom it's like a conversation you have a lot and so it
was like this pain that was really routine or like that was very like very
like
like it's like muted muted in its in its emotion because of people don't and
especially when your kid people are like i do not know what to do with all the
shit that you just told me about your life like even if it's not one thing
people are like really uncomfortable with it and so I feel like I've had a
long relationship of like being aware of how my pain affects other people and I
think that was something i was conscious of in in doing the work and being like
okay I'm gonna like Express as much as I can
the the different kinds of pain that I talked about that I live with that I've
experienced that I grew up with
I see but like being like being an empath like person in being someone
who's had to carry and like and like softly frame some really hard things
about my own life rather people to like be okay when I really didn't want to do
that here
like I didn't want to like be like here's here's a kitten
first a little bit of trauma to the puppy
uh this there's little that star happens and and because i don't i don't get to
experience it that way like I don't get to like have a break I don't get to like
have a kitten when I you know when someone died they don't get to like
whatever and and it really really feels like I can't even express it another way
but like if you were too if I was like if you just went like this and like
those geodes or whatever like this if you put it all back together would like
I would turn into this kind of thing
um and yeah I don't know if that speaks to your question enough
yeah okay i can say more later if you want
yeah it's it's just weird being it's weird and people who experience in this
it's really weird to be in pain all the time like I don't know if you're someone
that doesn't experience chronic pain it's so hard people to understand that
you're like actually in pain all the time like even doctors that know what it
is they're like so all the time and I'm like you
you gave the diagnosis would be really cool if you could like remember what I
was that it's actually all the time and so like this one tylenol they're gonna
give me for the next six months it's probably not going to do much because
it's chronic which you told me it's so you know and and it wasn't it's like
it's whatever it's my life it's the reality is the reality of many people in
my life but it's also like this thing that people just don't get and its
really annoying that people don't get it sometimes like it's like well this is
this gonna hurt you and I'm like I don't know because i'm in pain all the time so
it's a negotiation and so it's like also what you like with the spoons thing it's
like getting people in your life to witness that it's not about being in
pain and not being in pain
it's like like how can i meet you at this pain level or how can I like get
know how am I going to see you in this moment and I'm not going to try to like
make you feel better because it's actually not possible because you have
chronic pain and it's scary because people don't like think people take care
for upset or in pain or you know people don't like seeing people that are under
60 with canes they have a lot of opinions about it they have a lot of
opinions about people that are not seniors in their age times with canes
they're like I have so many questions about your body about your experience
your age your medical history do you have like a deal like a file that I
could like read about your medical history disapprove you actually need
this because you probably don't need it because you're really on and and that
kind of thing to of like okay well my pain is making me super uncomfortable
but like the fact that i have this thing that makes it easier that makes it like
you able for me to like interact with the world more makes it even more
uncomfortable me being in pain and she'd rather me not have it
and so I'm just kind of like also like asking people to think about that and to
like don't
don't question someone when they tell you where they're at don't question
someone when they offer you something of themselves because it doesn't quite
match up with even if you know them so super well like it
it does nothing for your relationship it does nothing for that person's like
validity and their personhood and one of the huge things that are hard about
finding a personhood is when it's not being it's not being mirrored back at
you like if you're like Here I am
no do this Here I am Here this is like being misgendered it's like like
Here I am Here I am but I don't really like these people are going to really
get that so I'm just like not going to engage with that part of you people get
it being in pain is a part of like how I actually exist like it's not an option
not to have and so it's something that like I've had to again become in
relationship to you and it's a big ask some ppl my life to be like can you be
in relationship with this - like when it's good it's going to be like for us
to be in community together for us to be family is for you to be in relationship
to my pain because like otherwise i'm explaining to you all the time or I'm
putting myself in danger to make you more comfortable and it's hard to be
it's hard to offer that because maybe you don't want to maybe it's like you
don't like that person that much or maybe you know you don't know how to
give that of yourself and that's actually completely valid
it's like actually completely fine if you can't support someone just tell them
that and like you know I've been in a lot of situations where it's like I've
needed a lot of help i need a lot of support and you know care relationships
the whole other kind of conversation but i think a huge part of i guess like a
message that i wanna share is like so back to my mom part of the reason that
my mom is deaf is so hard is because of how her my grief was shipped and how my
grief was responded to my dad
I'm and how it was ignored and how like it wasn't it wasn't and
presence that this person lost this person that was going to be something
that happens for the rest of their life and so I didn't get to grieve and so it
was this relationship of being like I have this side feeling you don't have
that feeling I have this question you don't have a question
and what that does what what why it hurts so much in this life that I have
now
thank you for the death of my mother is because of how invisible eyes and how
fucking awful it was to like be like I'm hurting so much and no one cares what
you know what actually seems to be aware that this is kind of destroying this kid
whereas like I you know I lived with many other people in my life who lost
their moms and philosophers that same ages and who get told stories and get
told mysteries and all those kinds of things you got to have a relationship
with that
and so it makes the pain different is make it left it makes it different and
so had my pain my physical pain
you know have and not just myself and other folks in the room - it's like if
we didn't have to make so much noise for us to for you to great witness my pain
that I would always be like having to like do stuff with my body to be like
I'm actually like I really need to pay attention this time you to witness this
because when every time that you don't like I don't know what to do with it i'm
not i don't get to be me anymore and so every time that you tell me that I'm not
grieving or every time you tell me that it's not in pain and whatever way that
is if that's like if that's asking you to do activity that you know I cannot do
and making me make that decision even though you know I can't do it
oh we're all gonna go on this really cool like Mike let's go on a hike and
it's going to be so beautiful and like you know we're gonna do this thing that
i'm like that sounds really beautiful
I'm going to have to like ask you to accommodate me because you haven't
actually like spoken to the fact that you understand my pain because they're
not in relationship to my pain and I think it's yeah it's just like a scary
thing to make friends with
but like not having the option of a lot of the relationships that I have
including trauma and anti blackness and all the things like it's a request that
you be here with me on those things and like that's like you know a lie when I
want to one which is like a whole other thing but it's not just like getting
that you might need a chair sometimes or that I might need to tell sometimes it's
like I don't want to be the only one carrying carrying this all the time
right
and I don't just have to be romantic partner I don't have to just make a
request or something like that and like that's I would love to see a community
where we're doing that collectively and like we're actually like like in
relationship to each other's experiences because i feel like it kind of like
perfect like our empathy when we do that I think I think that's all I don't know
are there any last questions I don't think
any more poems i always have homes but i don't think i have any more for today
thank you and thank you it's been like everyone
yeah
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