Visit Timor-Leste! Australia's favourite neighbour
No that's Bali, dickhead. East Timor!
Home to virgin islands... golden beaches... friendly people...
But most importantly: shittons of oil and gas
Which is why, here at the Australien Government, we've repeatedly stabbed those friendly people
in the fucking back
Like, remember that time we supported Indonesia, when it invaded them?
Sure a third of them ended up being massacred on our doorstep
And sure we left our own journalists to die in Balibo and then covered it up
But hey, it was worth it: here we are sculling champers on a jet above the Timor Sea where
all that oil and gas is. Ahh… good times!
Sadly, this lucrative fuck-fest was threatened when Timor finally won it's independence
It was the youngest and poorest nation in Asia. So, of course we helped them out…
Nah, just kidding! We stabbed them in the back again
by forcing their impoverished arses to sign a treaty that let us keep looting their oil and gas
How did we get such a good deal? By bugging their Government offices during the negotiations
LOL
The only reason you know this, is because one of our spies – who we'll call Witness K –
blew the whistle after learning that the big sack of shit who ordered the bugging
went on to score a lucrative consultancy with the same pricks who have the license over those oil fields.
Of course we immediately prosecuted the criminals – not them, silly. Witness K and his lawyer!
Right now we're pushing to try them in a secret court – because "NATIONAL SECURITY"
Which is our way of saying that we'd rather you never learned how we may have conspired
to defraud Timor – an offence under the ACT's Criminal Code
or that we were using ASIS for corporate espionage instead of stopping terrorists around the very time
that terrorists bombed our embassy in Jakarta. (Woops)
And we'd especially like you not to learn how we cheated a country just emerging from a brutal occupation
with one of the world's highest rates of infant mortality, malnutrition and preventable disease –
and deprived them of billions in revenue from their own resources
Which is fucktons more than what we give Timor in foreign aid
So when you think about it, Timor's sick kids are Australia's largest foreign donor
Aww thanks little guys!
What's that – at least you got cheaper gas? Aw sweetheart, did we not mention that Timor's
gas is shipped straight to Japan? Where it's sold for 40% less than what you pay for it.
So to recap our foreign policy: you pay for the exploration, investment and spying
these dickbags get rich
You get shafted on prices
Brown kids die of diarrhea
and anyone who exposes this shitfuckery gets tried in a secret court
Any questions?
Visit Timor-Leste: Australia's best-kept dirty little secret
Authorised by the Department for Coveting Thy Neighbour's Goods
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