As-Salamu Aleikom sister.
Thank you for writing in
and I see that
you have been married since 2015
and I'm sorry to hear about what's going on in the household.
This often happens when people,
young couples move in
with family.
There is an adjustment period.
So it's not uncommon
to hear of these problems.
There's different roles
and responsibilities that each family member
partakes in.
And obviously his
two older sisters are very used to
running everything,
probably doing all the housework,
handling the finances,
keeping track of their brother,
making sure that the home
and everybody in it is
is doing OK.
Now you're in it
as his wife.
You're part of that household.
And mistakenly
they feel that you know that they need to
continue to run everything
and do everything as they have been.
They have not been able to transition over
you know
with the changes that are needed when
one does get married in a househol.
In those transitions are as
you know treating you as
an equal as his wife
as well as handing over the responsibilities
or at least you know some of the responsibilities
for the home.
So I'm looking at
you know what you stated is
his parents passed away before your
proposal.
I'm not really sure how long ago it
was that they did pass away
but there could be some grieving going on
as well and some adjustments
everybody's trying to make
and that could be part of it as well.
You know they may fear you know that if they
let go of some of the control
and some of the responsibilities of
the household that they might disappoint their parents
or they may have made no promises to
their parents prior to their passing
that they would always take care of
everything.
And that's something that you know they're going to have to
work through themselves.
And you you could help the process
a little bit by just reassuring
your husband that you love him very much.
Reassure him you know that you want to be a good
wife. And you know you
might want to share examples from our
beloved Prophet Muhammad peace
be upon him of how
he ran his household
and you know the things that
his wives did.
Give him examples
you know of
things in his marriage
and how his home ran.
You could you know just reiterate that
you know he would like a marriage
based on mutual
trust or responsibility.
You could also just tell him
that you really appreciate his sisters being
so concerned
but that you feel you know that since
you're both married
and you both are adults that
you do need your private time,
you do need your personal time as
well as you both need to
start being responsible for the
household yourselves.
And I understand that he gets upset when
he starts fighting
with you when you talk to him.
But Inshallah maybe talk to him
out of the house.
I don't know if you tried that
but if you go to places neutral
say go for a walk in the park,
go out for dinner,
go out for some tea
or something and just have your points
in your mind that you want to discuss
with him
and do it in a loving,
non-threatening way.
I mean I'm sure that you do
that anyhow.
Oftentimes when we're really passionate
about something such
as you know wanting to you know
step up in the role as a wife
you can be a little tenacious
but you know just approach
them lovingly
and just you know make your points
and ask for
his advice; how would you suggest
that you know I step into this.
How would you suggest that
I go about doing this?
By giving him examples of which you
want to do and ask for his advice of
how you can do that.
That's empowering for him
and you might get a better response
rather than you know him getting
hyper and fighting with you you make it more
positive response,
inshallah.
Also as far as his sisters go,
I'm not sure if you knew them before
the proposal.
You said that they chose you
for their brother.
That's kind of like a big honor because
that means that they really respected you
and they liked you
and they felt that you would be a good
wife.
So if you were friends
with them prior to the proposal,
I would kindly suggest that you try to get back
on that level with them.
This kind of territorial
because you are his wife
and you may view
them as you know interfering
which they are.
But I don't think they mean to me.
I just I just think that they
you know are used to being in that position
of power over everything.
But you might want to get on that level
of them of being friends,
sisters in Islam
and
get to know them that way
and let them get to know you that way
and it may be a lot easier
in sha' Allah for them to start letting go.
You know it's not that they don't trust
you now or they don't feel you're competent now.
I think it's just a matter of that they were so
used to being in control of everything
that it's hard to let go.
And being that they're always
you know watching over their brother.
Now you're his wife.
So they probably feel they're responsible
for watching over you which
is not the case.
You both are grown.
You're grown.
And you can do a very good job yourself.
So please sister, don't take it as
a personal negation
against you
or that they think negatively of you
or they think that you're
unable to do anything.
That's not the case.
I think the case is just that
they're so used to being in
charge of everything especially since
the passing of their parents that
they're just continuing on their roles
and they don't know how to let go.
So inshallah you know
try to speak
with your husband again
and try to get on
the friendship level,
a sister level in Islam
with them
and kind of step back from you
know the
competitiveness that
there that there is causing in the
home.
Try to step back away from that
and just let you know just let that slide
for a minute
and try to relate to them on a personal
level, sister to sister.
Inshallah,
that will help them ease
up a little bit.
And regarding your parents,
your husband might be you know
feeling a little bit threatened
by their wealth
and possibly inadequate.
I don't know.
But I would kindly suggest that if you're
not spending a lot of time there
right now,
I would suggest that both you
and your husband try to spend more time in
your parent's home
and that way to give your husband
another view on how families
function,
and you know who's responsible for what,
and in just the flow of
a different family.
I think this can be really healthy for him.
In time, he should you know warm up to your
family and feel comfortable
and feel good enough
to be a part of that dynamic.
So don't give up sister
and know that they all love
you very much.
They just have a hard time letting go of
what they have
and what they had before
which is total control of the household.
So but as is his wife
you know that's your responsibility.
That's your right.
INshallah,
with some of the techniques that I've kind of
outlined here
things will get better.
So, stay close to Allah.
Ask Him for guidance
and ease in this situation.
And we wish you
and your husband both the best.
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