World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day is June 1st.
I would like to do a small review on some of the precursors to Narcissistic Personality
Disorder.
As much as we hate the damage caused by these abusers, Narcissists are still people, and
they came from families that weren't dissimilar to ours.
Some of the causes are related to inheritance, but there are many other family experiences
that contribute to this disorder.
With destroyed relationships, there are feelings of emptiness, even in the midst of worldly
success.
The life of a narcissist is a no win scenario, where real love and peace is denied.
The only futile pleasure left is a feared respect from onlookers, who are manipulated
by rewards and punishments.
There is a psychological isolation for narcissists who are stuck in their sadistic world.
It causes a revolving door of victims who are forced to abandon the narcissist when
they are tired of being an object in that world.
Recent studies have shown that there is a complex connection between emotional control
and life events that threaten a narcissist's self-esteem.
This is true for most people, but for a narcissist it is even more difficult.
The skills to be able to control emotions, opens up reactivity to difficult life events,
which in turn reduces the patient's ability to control those emotions.
The desperate need to regain control can involve "enhancement spurred by aggression or fear,
and accompanied by detachment, or dismissiveness that can readily shift to inferiority and
insecurity, accompanied by avoidance or a sense of loss of control caused by overwhelming
shame, fear or powerlessness.
Many of these life events that threaten a narcissist are related to "social dominance,
professional, physical, financial, or material contexts that can cause feelings of worth
or worthlessness.
When there are shifts in interpersonal attention, from being included, appreciated and admired
to being excluded, criticized and ignored, the self-esteem can be challenged.
Experiencing loss of control and competence can invoke intense internal self-criticism,
with accompanying shame, anxiety, rage, or fear, and result in drastic actions to regain
or to escape the situation.
Emotions can either be rewarding, challenging or threatening to narcissists, mainly depending
upon how they are seen by others and how it effects their self-esteem, and their sense
of competence and control."
One of the key deficits that threatens the self-esteem in narcissists is the ability
to mentalize.
This is the skill to see intentions in oneself and in others, which helps to protect against
self-esteem injuries.
Narcissists have trouble thinking and reflecting beyond the immediate experience when these
injuries happen.
They can fall back on aggression as a protective shield against overwhelming thoughts and feelings.
This leads to a failure to understand consequences of their aggressive and self-destructive actions.
There is some level of empathy with narcissists, but it is impaired.
But "the ability to care and have empathy can fluctuate and depend upon both emotional
control and self-esteem.
This can result in a range of interpersonal responses to others needs and reactions, from
total ignorance, avoidance or dismissive or even aggressive responses to extraordinary
attentiveness and care and contexts where such engagement is also associated to self-enhancement
and possible benefits.
People with NPD can appear unaffected by losses, separation, or experiences that normally would
evoke sadness, pain, and anguish.
They have even been considered unable to grieve.
Nevertheless, they have extreme hyper-vigilance and reactivity to certain threats, separations,
or losses of people or conditions that are crucial for their self-esteem."
Despite their lack of grieving, narcissists still sense fear, "fear can underlie several
management and avoidance strategies typical for NPD, from achievement, competitiveness,
perfectionism, risk-taking, down to procrastination, distancing, and avoidance.
The fear of negative aspects of the identity can enforce protective self-enhancement, as
well as despair and potential suicidality, which can be the last attempt at control."
What are the top reasons that lead people to Narcissism.
Like in all sciences there isn't always an easy cause and effect relationship.
There are multiple causes and effects, including inheritance, temperament, psychological trauma,
and age inappropriate roles.
For example, a twin study on heritability of Cluster B personality disorders, including
Anti-social, Borderline, Histrionic and Narcissistic, show that all these disorders have a high
heritability with narcissism being slightly higher than the others.
Although predicting personality disorders accurately is improved with the understanding
of heritability, it is not 100% predictive.
How heritability shows up in personality can be measured in different ways, and one way
is temperament.
Psychoanalysis connected a depressive temperament to narcissism.
Unfortunately, prior studies measured grandiosity more than depressive temperament, but in a
study by Tritt, a depressive temperament was found to be associated with narcissism.
In particular how patients avoid shame and humiliation to prevent losing admiration from
others.
This temperaments leads to a vulnerability to constant trauma from chasing the ideal
self.
"Kohut identified two disturbed aspects of the self that are characteristic of narcissistically
vulnerable individuals.
The persistence of the grandiose self, and the unending quest for the idealized parent.
The former requires that the individual's special qualities be admired and affirmed.
The latter involves the desire to merge psychologically with persons who are perceived as powerful
and strong.
In brief, the grandiose self expects absolute omnipotent control over an archaic self-referential
world.
The narcissistic individual who experiences injury to the grandiose self responds with
rage towards an individual or world that is perceived as not having an independent existence.
The outraged grandiose self responds to trauma with 'how dare you do this to me?
I deserve better!
I'll show you!'
An apt analogy is the spoiled child who expects everything to go his or her way.
Setbacks are met with temper tantrums that dramatically illustrate the child's world,
where only the self is real."
Naturally because the world can operate independently of the narcissist's wishes, it leads to endless
psychological trauma when trying to cope with change.
How the parent treats the child also forms part of the precursors to narcissistic personality
disorder, or NPD.
Paulina F. Kernberg says, "the children of narcissistic parents are at risk during their
first year of life because of the parent's lack of empathy, which causes an incapability
to fulfill the needs of the baby.
The parent's own omnipotence leads the child to a cycle of lack of limitation, overindulgence,
and inconsistency that maintains and contributes to the preservation of the grandiose self.
In the mind of the parents the child has a role to contribute to his or her treatment
outside of what is age appropriate.
This can be seen in cases of divorced mothers with infantile personalities who treat the
child as the spouse, or the sibling, or as an endlessly infantile or dependent baby.
An echo of the mother's own sense of self.
The child then has trouble separating the personality from the parent and stays limited.
"The parent supports the child's individuation, that is the refinement and distinctness of
the child's activities, but only inasmuch as the individuation rewards the parent's
own needs.
However the parent does not support the separation.
The child exists in the service of the parent's self-esteem and does not exist as an autonomous
being.
Paradoxically, the power given to the child to regulate the parent's self-esteem, fuels
the child's grandiosity even further.
Since the child is dependent on these narcissistic parents, there is a pathological equilibrium
between the child and his or her parents.
The child needs the parents, and the parents need the child in an interlocked mutual narcissistic
way, and the parent's narcissistic needs override the child's normal narcissistic needs.
Consequently, the child develops a sense of unreality, with unrealistic expectations against
which the grandiose self is erected.
There is a distortion of the sense of core self in NPD, especially because the sense
of boundary, including the experience of one's own body, may be brittle.
There's no acknowledgement of others' intentions, and a reliance on one's own subjectivity,
which infiltrates the whole world, resulting in a sense of isolation and deprivation.
In terms of separating from the adult the narcissistic personality may have a variety
of points of arrested development.
When self-absorption, and the illusion of self-sufficiency, a God-like persona, are
such that the external object represents a minute aspect in the child's world.
The positive perception of the actual self is fused with an ideal self, and an ideal
object.
This is projected onto idealized external objects that are used and acknowledged only
to confirm the individual's own grandiose self.
A splitting occurs with all other aspects of the devalued, vulnerable self, and are
projected, resulting in a devaluation of other objects or the external world.
The world of others consists of devalued persecuting others, and fleeting unstable idealized others
who remain as long as they fit into the grandiose scenario.
The grandiose self-structure, consisting of the fusion of actual self, ideal object, and
ideal self, explains the sense of entitlement and self-centeredness."
When there are new additions to the family, they can be another source of a persecuting
other.
"An exaggerated sibling rivalry can be seen in narcissistic children.
This can at times escalate to outright abuse.
the aloofness and sadistic behaviour expressed toward siblings serve as a protection to the
child's sense of narcissistic injury for not having been the only one in the family.
A deep protracted resentment continues throughout the childhood, adolescent years, and beyond."
The need to control the self-image is expressed in the school setting as well.
"Grandiosity is a maladaptive way of protecting the self-esteem, because the grandiosity requires
immature, or primitive defense maneuvers.
For example, devaluation, projective identification, denial, omnipotent control, withdrawal, and
aloofness.
A consequences of grandiosity and entitlement, is that in spite of superior intelligence,
these children can have a checkered performance at school.
They can have excellent grades, have low grades, or fail altogether, depending on their wish
to put forth effort or not."
The need to preserve this grandiose reality, extends to the world at large.
"Pathological narcissism in childhood is characterized by deficient social skills and poor peer interactions,
in terms of level of development of appropriateness.
This is because of the inability to empathize with others, their need to control and devalue
their peers, their need to avoid any difference between themselves and others in order to
allay their sense of vulnerability and envy.
In adolescence, for example, the narcissistic individual may appear charismatic.
The grandiose self exerts particular attraction on peers as it resonates with the aspirations
of other members of a group.
Thus, for a while at least, the narcissistic adolescent appears to have arrived already
at the ideal of perfection, beauty, and power.
He or she gives an illusion of a reality that the group members seek.
In turn, the group confirms the narcissistic adolescent's grandiosity, so that he or she
can protect himself or herself from any sense of hurt.
Two noteworthy aspects of social interactions occur.
One is a choice of a more popular, pretty, or handsome partner who is shown off.
The other is a choice of a friend who is the least popular, ugly, or physically handicapped.
In this case, the narcissistic adolescent can feel admired by the ugly partner, who
becomes a psychological slave and is masochistically grateful to have been chosen as an object
of attention, even if the quality of the attention is derision."
The sense of self then gets regulated by controlling the group members as they periodically attempt
to change the power structure to advance themselves against the narcissistic leader.
The psychological reward manifests in tricking, controlling, and isolating victims with a
pleasure, as described in Psychopathy and the Law, as Duping Delight.
Getting away with abuse is pleasurable for narcissists and psychopaths.
Victims often describe this duping delight smile they witness as reptilian, like you
can see at the ending of the Hitchcock movie, Psycho, when Norman Bates gets delight when
he thinks he has trapped his victim in the basement.
As sensational as movies can be, the reality is that duping delight, usually more passive-aggressive
than you see in the movies, is a shallow form of pleasure, and to be locked into that limited
happiness for the entirety of one's life is not a rich and fulfilling one.
This shallowness is exemplified in all the goal orientation towards validating the unreality,
that is the grandiose self.
That unreality leads to conversations that always lead to some aim to get the victim
to know what the narcissist wants them to know.
A form of impression management that controls and achieves their goals.
In Psychopathy and the Law they say, "problem-solving discussions is what gaslighting is.
It involves going from an unsatisfactory state to a more satisfactory state.
Gaslighting for the pathological liar is simply a means to an end.
Whether it's lying to people to put blame on others, or to avoid punishment, or to pursue
an infidelity, there's always a goal directed motive."
There are some other risks that caretakers of narcissistic children can become aware
of that may predispose the children for adult narcissism.
One is adopted children.
For example, "they were in the contradictory dilemma of being chosen because he or she
was the most 'beautiful baby', as well as because he or she was 'discarded' by the biological
parents.
The uncertainties of the period before the adoption are formalized, and contribute additionally
to the problem because they interfere with sense of secure attachment.
Number two: Abused children.
Children who are abused have the challenge of needing to fuse with an idealized parental
image to protect themselves from the external sadistic image of the abusive parent.
Three: Spoiled children.
Overindulged, or wealthy children, could have a prolongation of infantile narcissism, where
one was one's own ideal, but especially so if this combined with narcissistic personality
problems in the parents.
Number four: Children of divorced parents.
They are at risk when they attempt to fulfill their own infantile narcissism and combine
it with the omnipotence derived from fulfilling the wish to replace the other parent, and
also to gratify the step-parent with a blurring of the normal generational roles, like treating
them as a friend."
Many of these factors were in play before the victim met the narcissist.
It's important to be aware of these red flags because, once they are in play, the prognosis
for the adult narcissist is a life long nightmare of exploitative, shallow and empty relationships.
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