Before, I was always under the impression that I was an actress in a play,
having to feign emotions, to force myself to converse.
And a bad actress, on top of that!
Because I never knew what to say at what moment,
what expression to display on my face,
what to do with my inconvenient body.
I did everything I could to give the illusion of not feeling too bad.
And yet I felt profoundly and inexorably unsuited to life in society,
and everything seemed to be a delusion.
I don't know what to do with myself
Where to stand, what to say, nor what posture to take
I therefore write another poem
It keeps my hands occupied, it fills my thoughts
I created a character
But it is fading more and more easily
When my heart like a storm rages
The varnish flakes, paint reduced to nothing
What kind of face will I be able to give to it?
I don't know how to behave, how I should anymore
My nose might grow longer
If I persist in trying to fool them
I get told that everybody does the same
And yet their little faces don't display any cracks
I wish so much that sleep
Would take me forever, no need for this face anymore
I still face several difficulties in society.
Although I manage to cope relatively well in front of one or two people,
beyond that, the situation rapidly turns into a nightmare.
I don't know how to behave naturally
with those who are not extremely close to me.
I don't know how to do it.
Am I simply incapable of that?
I think I am.
In society, in a group, I always feel useless,
worthless and insignificant compared to others.
However, I may have resigned myself,
because I can go through it more easily than before.
I feel less like I am constantly playing a role.
I simply get the impression of being offbeat,
or shy, or in my own world.
I often live inside my head.
But at least it remains liveable,
and I can fit into a group,
even though it requires considerable efforts.
So it means that now…
Now I'm fine.
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