Tall Tale TV.
Scifi and Fantasy short story audiobooks
Of Monsters and Mushrooms By Lesley Herron
Chapter 11 Agaricus
"Oy!
Get offa me ya big lugs!," Evan groaned, shoving Attila's boot away from his face.
The vortex had, unceremoniously, spat them out into the Otherworld in an uncomfortable
jumble.
Attila and Errik were struggling to untangle themselves from one another, and Evan was
forced to wrench himself free from beneath them.
Like stepping through the fabled looking glass, their trip had been as equally bizarre.
Time warped around them, pushing and pulling, and left them suspended, mid step, for a whole
week.
They emerged, feeling drained and dizzy.
The sensation could only be described as being repeatedly dropped into a pool of ice cold
water and then dunked into a vat of molten lava.
It froze and seared them at the same time, leaving them drenched in sweat and shivering.
When Grandma Sadi had come to him and offered Evan a once in a lifetime contract, he thought
it would be the huge adventure, and not to mention payday, he had been waiting for.
But as he climbed to his feet, and gazed around him, he couldn't be sure of what he had been
thinking when he'd stepped through that swirling gate.
Errik's description of the Otherworld didn't even begin to do it justice.
He had recalled the area as a desolate desert and darkness.
But the truth of it was, this place was a wasteland.
The ground shifted between endless rolling dunes of white sand, urged on by the wind,
and vast expanses of dry and cracked hard ground, with massive splits and fissures.
As for the darkness, the word just wasn't strong enough for the black aura that surrounded
them.
It was like an eerie twilight haze that seemed to sap any color that may have existed here
to begin with.
"I'm not taking any chances!," Attila shouted, folding his arms in a fixed stance.
"Look.
You can trust me.
It's safe.
These mushrooms are small and harmless.
Any spore that you -may- ingest will be killed off by your immune system."
Errik demonstrated this by taking in a deep breath.
"Hey!
Stow it, you two!," Evan snapped, marching up to his colleagues.
With Vel's departure, this meant they were down their best fighter.
And the only one with any real common sense.
Evan had run through their options, and grudgingly decided he was going to be their new leader.
"Alright.
You can leave your mask on.
Just remember, the mushrooms -are- hallucinogenic.
And here, since they are so small, they're super concentrated.
If you eat one, you'll be hallucinating for weeks.," Errik warned, tucking his mask
into his coat.
Evan followed Errik's example and stowed his mask, eyeing the tiny mushrooms that grew
around the base of the occasional boulder.
"Errik, you've been here before.
So, uh, where do ya figure we should start lookin' for this Brig fella?," he asked,
looking around.
They had been dropped into a sort of solid island in the middle of the ocean of sand.
There was no way for them to discern directions, as there was no sun or mountain ranges.
There was nothing.
Just darkness, closing in around them.
Errik lifted his hand and pointed off into the distance.
"That's probably where the Unseen creature dragged Attila's friend."
There, nestled in the black of the horizon, was a dark swirling cloud.
It danced and swayed on a non-existent wind, as if it were alive.
Squinting hard, Evan could see that the cloud seemed to be moving around what might have
been the silhouette of a city.
He shot Errik a glance.
"I thought you said there weren't any people over here, just bugs and blob thingies?"
"The Unseen.
Yes."
Errik pointed at the cityscape.
"Those aren't buildings.
Those are hives.
Home to most of the nastier species that live here."
"Alright then!
Let's go!,"Attila replied, taking a giant step in the direction of the mounds.
Finally!
A path directly to his friend.
"Hang on!," Errik said as he grabbed Attila by the poncho.
"We need a plan first.
We can't just go charging off into the heart of Unseen territory."
Something skittering around a nearby rock caught Evan's attention.
It didn't seem to notice them.
Yet.
It was busy chasing a beetle the size of a deck of cards.
The insect scurried into a small hole beneath a rock, and the black creature buried it's
muzzle deep into the dirt in pursuit.
It had the overall shape of a small dog, but it had six legs and two tails.
And where the other Unseen seemed to be composed of goo animating a skeleton, this creature
had mangy black fur that was soaked with black ooze.
"So what's the plan then!?
Wait for Brig to get eaten, then check the mounds of monster poo?
Come on!
We've wasted enough time!," Attila pointed out, huffing indignantly.
He could feel that brief moment of happiness begin to slip away.
"The last time I was here, my brother and I got stuck here for quite some time.
We managed to find an old abandoned dirt mound and fashioned it into a home of sorts.
It should still be there.
We had maps of the area, and a fair amount of rudimentary weapons.
Both of which we will need to navigate this place."
Errik put a consoling hand on Attila's shoulder, hoping this action would do for an apology.
Evan watched as the Unseen pulled it's goo stained snout away from the rock.
It pointed it's face into the air and began sniffing.
Slowly, it turned it's head in their direction and glared at them through four glowing red
eyes.
The Unseen began pacing, as if it was determining what to do with them.
It would scurry forward a step or two, growl at him, and then dart back to the safety of
it's digging hole.
Evan gave a snort as he bent over and picked up a sizable rock.
He took a brief moment to aim and then lobbed the stone at the creature.
Ten points, Evan through as he watched the rock connect with the Unseen's deformed rump.
At the sounds of an unmistakable animal yelp, Errik turned to see the small creature scampering
away, both of it's tails tucked between it's legs.
"Hey.
Knock it off.," he snapped, turning to Evan.
"You don't need to worry about the small ones."
"It was lookin' at me all funny like.," Evan replied, folding his arms over his chest.
"I'd throw a rock at you if you looked at me like that."
There was something in the way that Evan delivered that warning.
"Fair point."
Errik made a face, making a note to keep his gaze elsewhere from now on.
"Well, let's get going before any of the other creatures notice us.
It's not just the Unseen we have to worry about here."
There were no structures around to use, nothing to help them avoid detection.
Their only hope of making it to the hovel, unscathed, was to march across the open expanse
of land as quickly as they could.
The shifting sand dunes made their journey almost impossible.
Like the turbulent waves of the ocean, the sand rolled and swayed, shifting out from
underneath them and tossing them backwards or else dropping them, suddenly, onto hard
ground as they walked.
At first glance, the Otherworld seemed strangely empty.
Where were all these monsters that they had been so expressly warned about?
The more they walked, however, the more creatures became apparent to them.
The bugs were great at blending into their surroundings and more than once, a small group
of bugs would flutter up out of the sand, eager to flee from the approaching footsteps.
Occasionally, a larger bug, sometimes the size of a throw pillow, would fly past, it's
vibrating wings sounding like a badly tuned lawn mower.
And everywhere they went, Evan could see small inky shadows darting behind rocks, or disappearing
behind sand dunes.
They chittered and clicked at him angrily, but never approached.
It was almost unnerving to have their journey dogged by wary Unseen.
"I thought those things were supposed to be invisible?," Attila asked, clambering
up a staggering peak, just behind Errik.
"Well, I think it might have something to do with the light spectrum in this place.
It must react differently with their anatomy.," Errik began, turning to offer Attila a hand
up.
" Because the atmosphere is completely different in our realm."
"So what you're sayin'...," Evan started, tapping his chin thoughtfully.
"Is that these things are fish?"
Errik turned to look at Evan.
"What!?
No?
How...I didn't say anything about fish.," he said, flabbergasted.
Attila nodded sagely.
"Ahhh.
I get it.
So like... we're the fish?"
"Enough with the fish!," Errik shot, his confusion fading into anger.
He felt a twinge of pain in his temple, and he finally began to understand exactly how
his brother must have felt.
"For geniuses, you two sure talk a lot of nonsense.," Evan said, clambering up onto
a rock to get a better view.
"As long as I can stab it, squash it, or bash it over the head I don't care what the
light does to it."
The rock shifted in the sand, and rose a couple of inches off the ground to reveal several
hard shelled legs beneath it.
It clacked a pair of pincers and shook itself, sending Evan toppling off.
It scuttled away in a huff, looking for a more peaceful place to nap.
Evan hauled himself to his feet.
"What the heck was that?"
"The last time I was here, there were all sorts of bug creatures.
They ranged from these small cicada like things to towering armored guardian bugs, about fifteen
feet tall.
Heck, even the borer worms came from this place.
The insects sort of cohabitate with the Unseen.
Except I haven't had the chance to gather any real data, so that's just my observation.
Mainly because all of the..."
Errik gave a profound shudder.
"All the legs freak me out."
"Eh.
Don't be a baby.
If we run into any more bugs, I'll just squash 'em for yas.," Evan pointed out, slipping
on the shifting sands.
Errik didn't get a chance to respond as the dune they were traversing collapsed, sending
them cascading through the powder fine dust like a group of kids sledding down a snow
covered hill.
Only dirtier, and left them with sand in some very uncomfortable places.
As they got to their feet, Evan heard a furious chattering.
Descending down upon them from the next dune over was the same Unseen that he had scared
off earlier.
And like a small child that had been hit by the schoolyard bully, it had returned with
two of it's larger companions.
Two hulking bear sized Unseen lumbered just behind the smaller one.
"Oh.
Crap."
Errik started to scramble backwards, trying to get back onto the sand dune.
"Don't panic, guys!
How tough can they be?
We took out a whole building full of these things!"
Evan's fingers flexed nervously over his sheathed knives.
"Yeah...by dropping the building on them.," Errik retorted.
Attila reached over and bonked Evan on the head with his fist.
"Nice goin', short stuff!"
The roar of one of the larger Unseen drowned out Evan's response.
He swore under his breath, and made a mental note to shove Attila down a sand dune the
next chance he got.
If he got another chance.
He drew his daggers, and spun them reflexively in his grip.
"Hang on!
I got this!," Attila pipped up.
He stood, and moved to the front of the group.
"Sometimes all you need is diplomacy."
"What!?," Errik blurted out, panic written in his features.
"They're giant ooze monsters!
They don't speak!"
"Chitter chitter.
Click chitter click click!," Attila said jovially.
"What in the name of all that is holy -are- you doing?!," Errik snapped in a whisper.
"I'm communicating with them.
It's all in the tone.," Attila replied, matter-of-factly, as he turned his attention
back to the Unseen.
Unfortunately, they didn't seem to take kindly to his first sentence.
Attila ground down on his resolve, putting his hands in the air, and began to advance
on them slowly.
He gave them his most rakish smile, which didn't do much of anything as he was still
wearing his mask.
Errik tried to grab a hold of the merc's poncho, but it fluttered out of his fingertip's reach
as Attila marched forward.
"Chitter chit chit chitter chatter click click?"
Attila made pinching motions with his hands, in what he hoped was a peaceful gesture.
"We're all gonna die, aren't we?," Evan asked Errik, who was dragging a hand down
his face.
"Yeah.
Yeah...I'm pretty sure we are."
The Unseen stopped advancing, looking at Attila in confusion.
One of them chittered a query at him.
"Click clack chitter!
Chitter snap."
Attila gestured over to Evan, than gave a huge shrug.
"Clack clack chitter...," he said in what he hoped was an apologetic way.
"Did...did he just throw me under the bus?," Evan asked.
The largest Unseen gave a grunt and appeared to be almost convinced of leaving, shifting
it's weight as if to turn on it's heels.
But the smaller one narrowed it's four eyes at Evan and started yipping angrily at him,
baring bone yellow teeth in a hateful grin.
To which Evan replied with a rude gesture.
The grizzly sized goo monsters each gave a visible sigh of inconvenience before they
began to carry out the orders of their smaller companion.
Either way, the bulkier of the two bear like creatures lunged for Attila.
"CHITTER CHITTER EEEK!," Attila cried out as he tucked himself into a ball.
A completely different roar rent the air around them, causing the large Unseen to stop, mid
attack.
A boulder, larger than one of the creatures, flew through the air with the grace of, well...a
flying rock.
It teetered and spun on it's axis and did a pirouette before it slammed into the ground,
exploding one of the larger Unseen beneath it's weight.
Through a thick veil of tar like goo, Errik could see the other two Unseen attempting
to scurry away.
He spat out a mouthful of the sludge, and looked in the direction the rock came from.
A giant armored bug stood atop an insurmountable sand peak.
"Oh, no."
"Oh great.
What now?," Evan asked as he tried to scoop the sticky mess out of his own eyes.
Errik pointed at the bug, who was standing on two stocky legs, wielding a rudimentary
sword made from another giant bug's mandible.
"It's an armored guardian..."
The humanoid insect leapt from the dune, it's arms waving furiously in front of it.
The smaller Unseen scampered away, as the bug sliced into the large one like a chef
dicing up an onion.
"This isn't good.," Errik said, taking a stick step back.
Attila backpedaled until he was level with Errik.
"I bet you're wishing you still had your mask on.," he said, haughtily, pointing
to his ooze free mask.
"We need to move.
Now!," Errik replied, choosing to ignore his friend's snide remark.
"What's the problem?
We should be thankin' that big bug.," Evan pointed out, peering around Errik's legs.
He jabbed Attila in the back of his calf.
"Go on.
Get ta thankin' it!"
"It's a giant bug-person-thing!
How the heck am I supposed to do that?"
"Eh.
It's all in the tone.," Evan replied, mockingly.
"Oh.
Right."
"Wait...stop!," Errik began, but his pleas fell on deaf ears.
Attila marched up to the bug.
"Chitter chitter?
Click click chitter?"
The giant bug whirled around to glare down at Attila.
Curiously, the creature was almost as wide as it was tall, standing but a foot higher
than Attila, with it's bulging muscles hidden beneath a layer of thick, battle scarred chitin
armor.
Where it's carapace had been broken, there were plates scavenged from fallen foes lashed
to it's body.
It slowly reached into a makeshift chitin basket and removed a handful of mushrooms,
then shoved them into what Attila could only assume was the creature's mouth.
"Omph nomph momph!"
"Uh...Chitter?," Attila asked.
It was observing the three of them, as it chewed on it's mouthful of spongy morels,
trying to determine what they were.
They looked like Unseen, dripping black goo everywhere.
But they were so scrawny and small they posed no threat.
It pondered the closest ones request, and relented.
The bug shoved it's hand back into it's mushroom basket, and pulled it free.
It offered the fistful of fungi to Attila, like it was extending an olive branch.
Attila didn't get a chance to recoil.
The bug, and it's loose concept of personal space, was busy shoving the handful of mushrooms
into his mask.
It couldn't seem to understand why he was not accepting it's peace offering as it continued
to push them against his face.
"Spores!," Attila cried out, smacking the bug's hand away, and knocking the fungi
to the ground.
The creature looked surprised for a fraction of a moment, and then threw back it's head
and roared, " BANANA!!!"
Attila looked over his shoulder.
"Did...did the bug just say...banana?"
Before the others had a chance to respond, or even to warn him, Attila felt a heavily
armored foot connect with his middle, and he collapsed backwards, end over end.
He tried to blink away the stars and regain his breath, his hands clutching his stomach.
"Oof!
Banana...bad.," he gasped.
"Run!," Errik ordered, already sprinting in the opposite direction.
"Hey!
I'm in charge!
And we aint backin' down from a fight!"
Evan bounded into action.
His tiny daggers flashing dangerously as he jumped on the massive bug.
He struck out with the blades, but it's armor proved to be too thick, each blow glancing
off it's thick hide.
Cursing under his breath, and choosing to ignore Evan's self appointed leadership, Errik
ran over to grab Attila.
Just once, he'd like -one- of his plans to go off without a hitch.
He hauled the merc to his feet, spun him to face the bug, and shook him by the shoulder.
"Do something!"
Attila, still winded, wheezed again and pulled out a small micro torch from the depths of
his poncho.
"Lets."
Wheeze.
"Light this bug."
Wheeze.
"Up."
The giant bug grunted in frustration, as it tried to grab the tiny flea scampering around
it's shell.
Evan stifled a giggle as he continued to annoy the bug.
With it's thick armor, it's range of motion was restricted and it couldn't quite reach
him.
Nor was it very fast.
Evan would have even chanced a guess at saying it wasn't that smart, either.
He would scurry from it's shoulder, stabbing furiously at the bug there, and then clamber
down to it's hip for another attempt.
But it was all in vain.
Evan simply could not find a weak spot in the armor, it was too thick and his daggers
too small.
He ran up the bug's back to try at the neck.
The bug gave up trying to dislodge Evan, tossed it's mandible sword down, and threw itself
into the ground.
If it couldn't catch the tiny creature, than crushing him would have to suffice.
It climbed to it's feet, turning to the crater it just made, expecting to see a black smear
in the dirt.
It cursed, " Expectorant light stick!" as it felt a knife glance off the top of it's
head.
"Oy.
Stop it, ya dumb bug.
Stand still so I can kill yas!," Evan shouted, as he scuttled around the monster's massive
back, trying to find it's weak spot.
The bug responded by tossing itself into a large boulder, growling angrily.
"A little help here!," Evan cried out, hanging onto the bug's giant foot as it threw
itself into the ground again.
A feeble cry rent the air, and Evan turned to see Attila charging at them with what looked
like an old pocket lighter.
Attila, emboldened by his weapon of choice, clicked the micro torch on.
His hand, still covered in black tar, caught fire.
"Oh.
Riiight.
I forgot that Unseen goo is flammable.," Errik said aloud, but mostly to himself.
Attila realized his arm was starting to get a bit warm, and looked down.
"HOLY CRACKERS!"
He swatted at the flame with his other hand, which also caught fire.
He let out a cry of anguish as he tried, and failed, to slap out that fire against his
thigh.
"AUUUGH!"
Errik rushed over and grabbed Attila by the poncho, and tried to rip the fabric off him.
But it caught around his mask, and Errik succeeded in only wrapping up Attila's head, which promptly
caught fire as the merc tried to pull it off.
If he didn't act quickly, his friend was sure to be a smoldering pile of ash soon.
Errik pushed him down into the dirt, and began shoveling sand onto him like a dog burying
a bone.
Distracted by the flailing fireball, the bug stopped paying attention to the tiny pest.
It was just long enough for Evan to get a good look at the creatures front, and he finally
found it.
There, just beneath his chin, where the neck met the head, was a gap just large enough
for a blade to enter.
He aimed his dagger carefully, and went in for the kill.
A dinner plate sized hand plucked him from the air with surprising speed, clutched around
his middle like a vise.
The bug snatched the dagger out his hand and crumpled it into a tiny ball of twisted steel.
It let loose a mighty shout, " CLAVICAL SNAPFEST!" as it shook Evan in an attempt
to frighten him.
A rock bounced off the bug's head, just below the eye socket, and it turned to face it's
assailant.
"Hey!
Don't.
Shake.
Babies!," Errik ordered before he chucked another stone at the monster.
"You sunnuva-," Evan started, but his words were lost as the bug swung him around,
and pitched him like a baseball at Errik.
As they collided, the momentum from the toss sent them both sprawling into a sand dune.
The bug, finally having had enough, marched towards the smoking remains of Attila.
It drew a long, jagged edged blade from a sheath at it's back.
Attila had eventually managed to untangle the poncho from around his face and mask,
just in time to see a glint of an iridescent blade flying through the air.
This is it, he thought, this is how I die.
And again, no busty babes.
He clenched his eyes shut, and let out a petulant huff.
There was a loud CRACK, and Attila cried out, sure he was now dead.
He gave a dramatic gurgle, his head lolled to the side and he was ready for eternity
to have it's last laugh.
"Get up, you moron!"
Attila peaked an eye open.
A familiar ruffle of red flooded his vision.
Vel was standing over him, his mechanical hand clenched tight around the blade.
Of Monsters and Mushrooms, an ongoing series by Lesley Herron, is a crossover fanfiction
mixing her own characters and settings with a few of those created by Author J.D. Wiley.
She writes for the fun of devising new ways of messing with her characters, and seeing
just how much trouble they can get into.
I told ya's I don't wanna!
Common man, it's easy!
No, let the wackjob do it.
Yeah, let me do it!
No!
You do it way too often, it's Evan's turn.
Well I ain't doin' it!
Uh, guys.
. . Please?
I don't think I can stand another Attila outro.
If you- HEY GUYS!
What?
The little red light is on.
Does that mean this thing is recording?
Ah crap, quick, just get over there and say something!
Fine!
But you're carryin' my gear for a week!
Deal!
Right, if you liked the story, subscribe.
If you didn't like the story, subscribe anyway!
Or I'll rearrange your face!
Uh.
. . I don't think we're allowed to threaten- Do you want me to do this or not!?
Sorry.
. . I'm Evan, and that's it for today's Tall Tale
TV!
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