Phew, what a year. Hi, it's me, Byron Nominal-Howitzer, recounting the year that was! 2019.
As you know, my good friend, Corey Feldman, has been filling in for me recently, as I
have been off with exhaustion, at a day spa for the last eight months.
It really is hard work, what I do. Respect it.
JANUARY – Dr. John - Right Place Wrong Time
Misty Night Shyamalan is back, kind of, with Glass. Somethere where he took charisma-free
actors – people with no onscreen presence at all, and somehow made work. It's a work
of genius, - it's just... impressed. It was really good. And the bit with M Night Shyamalan,
directed by M Night Shyamalan, acted by M Night Shyamalan; Step aside, Stanley Kubrick,
you hack.
Yeah, I mean Glass was... pretty good I guess, yeah it was, thinking about all the other
stuff, which is pretty good, I mean thinking back it was clearly something else, something
special. I could smell oscars on it before it even came out.
Shyamalan: That was awesome. *Giggles
You know, because I know M Night – not well, but sometimes we walk our dogs together. Sometimes
he seeks my advice, as some people are. People talk about aura, and I know it sounds foofy,
but er... and it is, it is.... I mean there's no proof that there's aura, but... I could
just tell his aura was different.
Yeah you know what I'm talking about! Yeah, Fabio knows what I'm saying. I could just
tell. It went from like, beige, like a mustard yellow sort of thing – you know when you
print out a document and highlight something in yellow and it comes out a horrible brown?
It went from that, to like a serious blue. I'm not saying that means anything, but...
the film is wonderful.
FEBRUARY – The Firm - Star Trekking
February saw European and local mercenaries acting on behalf of Royal Dutch Shell re-enter
Ogoniland and systemati- only joking, there's only a new flavour of Coca Coca! That acid
sting – there's nothing like it!
Yes February was dominated by the news that the Coca Coca company, not long ago a figure
of fun for the tawdry amount of coca in their Coca Coca, released a new product- Coca Coca
Apple Pie.
And, you know, one of the things that I think makes Coca Coca Apple Pie so great, is if
you ever find yourself dangerously low on Borine, Coca Coca Apple has a revitalising
amount, and the recess will harmlessly pass through your body. It really is a delicious
drink, good for break times, lunch, dinner, and even nights out, and I'm not just saying
that to you. (Directly at camera) And I'm not just saying that to you. I really love
it.
Coca Coca Apple Pie is still unavailable in most of Europe, as well as in California,
Massachusettes, and Illinois – are you going to let the government push around the little
guy like that? That's not on, is it? That's not what people who founded freedom would
have wanted. No.
February was the month when What Men Want was released, to much acclaim, with some cinemas
reporting huge rises in sales of tissues subsequently.
I don't know why.
We follow Taraji P Henson playing Ali Davis as she proves that women can play hard too,
as she is recruited by a secret wing of the NSA and used to detect the secrets of world
leaders in order to extort them.
This film really touched me, and I especially like the main characters catch phrase of ,'an
eye for an eye, and everyone's beamin' Also, I'm so glad that no one can hear what I'm
thinking, I've seen things you wouldn't believe (turns:) yeah they'll know what it's from.
MARCH – Wiley – Rolex
As the snows melted in March, a combination of security pressure and convenience led Donald
Trump into issuing an executive order normalizing the use of body doubles in his role as President.
The use of body doubles came after a public mistake in late February that became a meme
and was jumped on by the media, who as always, was fair and balanced, but I have to admit
I sympathised with Trump. Afterall, who, at some point in their life, hasn't accidentally
sat on a sandwich?
In order to work, the body doubles report directly to the President, meaing it possible
for Trump to sign trade deals in Estonia, slash corporate tax, that's lets face it,
you end paying for (drinks coca coca), and catch up on Gilligan, all at the same time.
I wish I had a body double, then I could spend even more time with my fans, who I love very.
I really wish I could spend more time streaming and podcasting, as we all know that movie
reviews just six times a week, isn't enough. Hashtag I love you guys.
March also saw the reboot of one of the most highly anticipated reboots ever. Something
I think we can all agree – yeah it was... definitely... yeah awesome, one of the best
films on this list.... No it's not a list, is it?
Keith Richards' grandson is Jack Sparrow Junior in Pirates Of The Caribbean (Car-ibe-an, whichever
take you want)– Pirate This – Legacy – Shadow Of The Father – Little Long John Sparrow.
Swords, ships, a bit of skin, it was like playing a sixty dollar videogame for a fraction
of the price, that you don't play, and is three hours long. Also, the videogame tie-in
is really good, and I know people say that and it's not, but it really is. I played it
all Friday.
Also, I highly recommend Pear Richards, not the sparkling cider fit for any ball game,
cocktail party, or brunch, from Keith Richards' granddauther, Pear Richards, but instead the
clothing label, from Keith Richard's granddaugther, Pear Richards. I was at at her neighbour's
wedding....
April – The Beat - Mirror In The Bathroom
April was, globally, so wet that it became a matter of public attention when scientists,
mostly in America and Britian, some others around the world, but mostly English speakers,
for some reason, said that the ground couldn't possibly support the record-breaking rainfall
– and that the world must be loosing water, over a lip or... the earth's rim. Since then,
it's become internationally accepted that if the world isn't exactly flat, the rain's
got to be falling off somewhere.
After decades of a global conspiracy run by what many now realise is the the most evil
corporation on the disc, Silva Compasses, leading members of the Flat Organisation Operational
Liason have since met with Presidents Trump to discuss how gps manufacturers, geography
teachers, and manufacturers of novelty beach balls that looks like a globes, should be
punished.
Also, April was the year we got the funniest film to have been inspired by a mobile application
since Angry Birds – Shazam!
Shazam is the story of how Shaq and Shakira developed an app that further discards human
need for knowledge; Shazam! Which can listen to a few seconds of a song and tell you what
it is. And there's a share option, so you can let everyone know what you are finding.
The film personifies this handy little app, available for an exchange of access to biometric
data, into Captain Marvel –
Not that Captain Marvel, the original Captain Marvel. From DC. … … It's a lot of fun.
Also, check out my debate on who the best Captain Marvel is, with Serenderperty, Filmbot,
and The Superduper Sumos. Well, not all of them. The one that killed himself isn't going
to be there is he?
What will we conclude? Marvel's fiery Captain Marvel? DC's razzmatic Captain Marvel? Or
that something so clearly down to personal choice can never be debated on properly, because
it's just subjective opinion? You decide! Or, you would. This is a yearly retrospective.
Wecam: You need help! You need help! You need help! You need help! Because that's an ad
hominem, you neckbeard. You need help! COMPUTER DING Welcome to the Shillmill, Melon of...
Nuremberg. PAUSE You're acting like a numpty mate.
May – Dizzee Rascal – Bassline Junkie
In May, Teresa May
the President of Britain, changed the course of both the British exit from the European
Union, and political discourse as we know it, with an impassioned speech where she explained
that really it was nothing to worry about because merely seventy years ago the world
was still recovering from tyranny and genocide and, if you think about it, compared to that,
Brexit's nowhere near as important, and really nothing really matters, and if water has to
taste a bit tinny for a few years, well that's nothing compared to the eye of Jupiter, or
the experiences of a tree that has been alive since before Cleopatra.
May saw two films come out that I'm talking about here, presumably others as well, John
Wick Chapter 3 Aertmis Clyde Frog Pikachu Bush Detective, which frankly went down a
storm, combining all the things people want. Also Men In Black 4 came out, starring Will
Smith And Tommy Lee Jones – just kidding, who'd want to see that?
It really was as good as the poster. Starring Schindler, Thor, and... others. Also, there
was a Colonel Marvellous, an extremely detailed account of the decline of British military
might, starring Micky Rourke – god is he still alive? I mean... He was definitely alive
when this was made. I've definitely seen it.
Something you might not know about me is, actually, I'm British. … but er yeah, yeah,
a really think British accent even.
June – Skee-lo – I wish
In June, tragedy as squirrels, possibly foreign-introduced, breached NORAD's ventilation system and got
into the mountain fortress's wires, prompting three quarters of the US nuclear arsenal to
fie on default Strategic Command range finding target, R Kelly, who was vacationing on his
Yacht in international waters, off the cost of Thailand, at the time.
An outpouring of grief followed, with successes and failures.
My Youtube series 'Dealing With The Death Of A Celebrity You Like' got 150 000 views
in its first three months – why not give it a watch, or at least follow the link there
to my grand spectacular competition – which I only mention because you still have a chance
to win $850 dollars, furnished by helptherapist.com
And one of those things about Roy was that he was always hydrated. He was always... hydrated.
Toy Story 4 is the fourth edition of the Toy Story franchise, and has Woody, Buzz, Potato
Man, and Slotted Pig, go on another adventure outside of the comforts of suburbia in order
to help Svenka, a mechanical doll that Andy is gifted in a relative's will, travel to
Switzerland be euthanised. The future looked rocky for the supernatural
franchise after Don Rickles backed out of reprising his role as Mr Potato Head by dying
in 2017. Saying it out loud now, it doesn't right, but Keanu really did fill those potato
shoes (Mr.Potato head saying 'no way!')
Also I just wanted to say, if anyone's around on the 25th around Cuahetmoc and St Clive,
why not pop in to Bar Pony and see me and my band, Men In White Socks. It's only eighteen
dollars on the door, and you get a free bucket of long island T that's one of the best in
LA. They use three types of gin!
Black screen.
Also, I won't be wearing this, I'll be wearing a black shirt and a red tie. Because of course
I will.
July – Chrispy - Autobots
In July, nothing at all happened. In terms of movies, it was huge, because we got the
live action The Flight Of The Navigator that everyone has been wanting to see. I remember
seeing flight of the navigator when I was about eight and thinking 'I wish this was
live. I wish this was actually Rowan Atkinson doing it, and not just a bird.' I remember
thinking that and they delivered. I know people have been saying it's a shameless artless
cash in- but Disney don't make shameless, artless cash ins.
Admitting that would be like admitting your entire childhood was an infomercial.
A long take from the side, of Shillmaster staring into space.
Also, July was the year that someone we can't mention but we all know who – don't look
it up, you're better than that, turned out to be gay. Don't look it up.
And it was a shame about vidcon.
August – Funkadelic – Maggot Brain
Mt favourite month, and my favourite part of the show, where I read fan mail.
Alright, let's look at what we've got.
I love reading letters from my fans.
It's a cease and desist.
August was the year we got the funniest film to have been inspired by a mobile application
since Angry Birds; Angry Birds 2: Guns And Butter.
And its story about a bird left behind by his flock because of a broken wing, Angry
Birds 2 certainly did take the imagination of social media by storm, igniting much debate,
with some calling the film racist, and others calling it simply not racist enough. I think
that was the gist.
After months of squabbling around the film, much of the back and forth came to a deadlock,
but then miraculously people started seeing the other side, being open to reason and differences
in perspective, and collective human understanding was so adequately informed that those who
engaged with Angry Birds 2 were taught never to leave their smoke detectors without batteries,
or to allow themselves to be consumed by jealousy, or taken in by volatile pension schemes, and
these things stopped happening forever and ever.
September – Queen – Another One Bites The Dust
In September, It Two: Colon Joker... I mean, It Two: Joker, came to the screen, featuring
River Phoenix's brother as the lead, this time hunt IT, but as IT hunts them a as they
hunted IT.
Remember It? Remember how it somehow felt like you were watching Stand By Me for the
first time again, well It 2 -
Am I talking about Stranger Things?
Or the Tim Curry two episode thing for the first time.
Tim Curry: Oh, come on bucko!
But you're not, you're watching something that makes you feel like that, but those things
never felt like that because when you watched them for the first time they were new and
not reminding you of something else.
Well It 2 doesn't make you feel like that. I mean it does , because it's set in the 80s...
Which is great.
September also saw Twitter finally win the social media war after spending no small amount
of time and money refining their product. After experimenting with character limits,
Twitter found the optimal amount of characters in a tweet to be... seven.
Find me on twitter at j – a - - c – – – k
October – The Ones Absolutely flawless
(Talking to someone who is out of frame) I'll make it sound good, just give me the description.
Crop.
October saw the release of Gemini Man, which stars Will Smith and follows an ageing assassin
who finds himself in a battle with his clone, who is 25 years younger and at the peak of
his abilities.
Directed By Ang Lee!
*** November – Apex Beat - IT Crowd Remix
November was, sadly – Ang Lee. What? – was sadly the month Borine was linked to Sandlar
Spectrum Disorder, a condition that can often lay – lie – I think it's lie, lie dormant
for years, when it develops it disrupts the nervous system, and can affect how people
are able to express joy, lead to hording behaviour, and makes people be unable to taste anything
except thoroughly boiled cabbage.
Sandlarism, as it's popularly known, has been sweeping Beverley Hills, and just like Spanish
Flu, it hits the youngest and most wonderful people first! Doctors say it most easily manifests
in very successful men who've given to the world as much as any widely known artist or
civil engineer, but go unrecognised and uncelebrated at least comparatively to what they deserve.
For just the price of a daily Shrimp risotto at my favourite resteraunt in West Hollywood,
SUFSA
Sexy Unique Famous Suprisingly Affordable
You can help overlooked and underappreciated celebrities feel better about themselves.
Just two hundred and fifty dollars can give Robert a week with a young new assistant who
is both professional, but also far more familiar with his classic work than her age might suggest,
and very willing to talk about it. Ridley might have an honorary doctorate from the
Royal College Of Art, but he'll never be able to enjoy the flavour of the oysters or the
stag he deserves. Johnny used to be really cute and bankable – why shouldn't he be
treated like he still is?
We all knew, going in to Terminator 6: Dreamcast, two Es, that the the child actor playing John
Connor babies would have their face digitally changed into that of 11 year old Edward Furlong,
but what no one else knew until the premiere, was that every other actor in the film had
also have their face digitally replaced with that of Edward Furlong too, age proportionally,
in a way thatm, crazy as it sounds, totally works.
Obviously the voices and bodies are unaltered – Edward Furlong isn't credited, as the
contract he signed at eleven is legally binding forever, but it was nice to see him getting
some exposure.
Also that bit where Jai Courtney was erased from existence. Very meta. V-
I really don't know which was the better film of November, Terminator 6, or Sonic The Hedgehog,
… . … … . . . . . If you like videogames then, yes, you'll definitely know what Sonic's
about and Terminator Six, you know... people know what that is. Very recognisable, they're
both very recognisable, really. And brilliant. And with Terminator 6... they just keep getting
better don't they?
DECEMBER – Ken Nordine - Flibberty Jib
December, well, the first three weeks of December, were crazy, but before I tell you about that,
check out the shillmaster website! It's not gambling. Alright? It looks like it is, but
it's not. I mean there's gambling on.
Dude: One of those famous, Wookie Ookies? Wookie: Negatory, inferior lifeform (translation)
After one of the most difficult shoots in modern history,Disney scrapped almost all
of the footage they had captured for Star Wars Episode Nine, they went through a string
of directors before finally caving to pressure and offering the reigns and total creative
control back to George Lucas. Who, the mad man, went on to direct one of the best films
ever made. Star Wars Episode Nine, Directed By George Lucas – Star Wars Episode Nine:
**** Please.
The fans loved it.
As did I. For the same reasons.
2020 has loads of films in store for us that look terrific Including, Mission Impossible
7: Ghost Train. The Passion Of The Christ, The Passion Of The Christ 2: Jesus: Aftermath.
Doctor Doolittle, The Reboot- NEET. Also, the reboot I can't wait for – Sony: The
Hunger Games. Also, I'm, especially looking forward to The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air film
coming out – Established And Rich. Jurassic World, The Lost World That Time Forgot
Beneath The Sea, Transformers 14: Robots In Disguse In The Skies, In The Shadows, and
my own favourite – Terminator 7, an unnamed prequel starring Benedict Cumberbatch as a
man who invents a semiconductor. I can't wait.
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